Articles Divorce Marriage Tips

Why Would Another Woman Sleep with Your Husband and Destroy Your Marriage?

Why Would Another Woman Sleep with Your Husband and Destroy Your Marriage?

Your husband had an affair. I’m sorry to hear that, I really am. I know how difficult it can be to deal with something like that. It can seem like your whole stomach just drops right down through the floor, you feel dizzy, and none of it seems like its really happening.
What can be even more infuriating though is the thought that another woman went and willingly started meddling in your marriage and pulled your husband away from you. A lot of women may even feel motivated to confront the other woman just to get a better idea about what she’s thinking.
First of all, yes, I understand that not all women know that the man they’re sleeping with is married. Some of them are in the dark on the whole situation. You can’t really blame them if your husband slips off his wedding ring before he approaches her at a bar and starts things. In all likelihood, she probably just thought he was a charming single man.
But what about those women who know that he’s married? Why would they try to tear your marriage apart?
Well, chances are that she isn’t some kind of evil-doer who takes pleasure from tearing happy couples apart.
If your husband cheated, then there’s a good chance that there were some serious problems in your marriage to begin with. He probably wasn’t getting all of his needs met, either emotional or physical needs.
The other woman probably started out as a simple platonic friends. Somewhere along the line, he probably confided in her about the problems in your marriage and the specific frustrations he was having with it.
Being a friend, she empathized with him and out of their sharing and discussion, the spark of attraction started. When all she hears from him is all the problems he’s having with his wife (you), it’s easy for her to stop seeing you as the unique, multi-faceted person that you really are. Instead, you become some kind of oppressor to this wonderful man. It’s because of this mentality that she probably doesn’t feel much guilt in having the affair.
Now, I’m not saying that she’s right or that you are a bad person. Indeed you are probably a good person, and so is the other woman. It’s just how she sees things from the story she gets from your husband.
Maybe there is some value in approaching the other woman and talking to her. Don’t do it for revenge though, if you do it make sure it is to gain understanding or to try and convince her to cut off the affairs.
Remember, that regardless of what happened, it was still your husband’s choice to have the affair. Perhaps the other woman isn’t free from all guilt, but this is still your husband’s choice and he ultimately holds the responsibility for his actions. It’s easy to point the finger at a the third party, but remember that an affair is ultimately a symptom of a problem between you and your husband, and you need to deal with that first and foremost.

Articles Marriage Tips

Saving Your Marriage When You Have Children

Research indicates that, unless there is violence in the home, children are better off being raised by an intact family. Whenever clients who have children call to work with me on their marriage, I always encourage them to do all they can to save their marriage.


Leah is a good example of a woman who, on the verge of divorce with four young children, decided to do the work of saving her marriage – and succeed beyond what she thought was possible. read more

Articles Marriage Tips

Will Marriage Counseling Get Your Wife Back?

Will Marriage Counseling Get Your Wife Back?

“Does marriage counseling work? My wife and I have tried seeing a marriage counselor for the past few weeks, but it doesn’t seem like it’s doing anything…What am I doing wrong?”
If you’re like many of the lost and confused husbands in the 21st century, then you have already tried the most commonly prescribed solution to any marriage problem, i.e. marriage counseling.
I don’t know when it became such common practice, but somehow the go-to solution for any and all problems that could plague a marriage (separation, loss of passion, divorce, infidelity, lack of communication, etc.), the most prominent and widely advice that you’re going to get is “have you tried marriage counseling?”
You would think that such a booming and reputable industry would be so highly recommended because of its high success rate, right? In other words, marriage counseling is so popular because it has a history of legitimately fixing the marriage problems that plague so many relationships these days, right?
Wrong!
Did you know that…
Marriage Counseling has the Highest Failure Rate of Any Therapy
Yup, marriage counseling and marriage counselors have the lowest success rate of any other counseling or therapy related field.
So, does marriage counseling work? I would say ‘not even close’.
* Drug addicts in rehab have a higher success rate than marriage counselors
* Alcoholics in AA have a higher success rate than marriage counselors
* Anger management therapy has a higher success rate than marriage counselors
* Even the prison counseling programs for murderers, rapists and other criminals have a higher success rate than marriage counseling
You would think that for up to $200 per hour there’d be some sort of guarantee that you’d see results in your marriage, but this is absolutely not the case. Marriage counseling DOES NOT WORK for most couples, and marriage counseling success rates are surprisingly low (less than 25%).
There is a type of couple that can benefit from marriage and family counseling, but it is the exception, not the rule. Most marriage counselors don’t effectively address the true issues that are leaving you and your wife ‘unfulfilled in our marriage’.
Does Marriage Counseling Work? Do We Have the Highest Divorce Rates, Ever?
Admittedly, according to recent statistics, the divorce rate in America has finally come to somewhat of a plateau in the past couple years because less people are getting married, so there are less couples to divorce.
But still, in the past 10 – 25 years divorce rates have sky rocketed, and I want you to really think about this for a minute… Doesn’t it seem strange that the rise in divorce rates correlates almost directly with the thriving marriage counseling industry? Some might argue that this makes sense because more divorces need more marriage counseling, but what if the true source of the problem wasn’t actually divorce, but the total ineffectiveness, even counter-productivity, of marriage counseling?
I’ll tell you an example of this – My own parents are divorced. They were married for over 20 years, and they tried everything in the book to save their marriage. They tried not one, not two, not three, not four, but FIVE different marriage counselors over the course of 10 YEARS, and not a single one of them did anything to save their marriage.
In fact, the marriage only ever got worse because my parents became frustrated with their lack of progress, and that frustration led to even more problems in the marriage.
In other words, marriage counseling added fuel to the fire, and it poisoned my parents’ marriage.
Now, I’m not saying that all marriage counselors are complete quacks, but a surprising amount of them are. Their marriage counseling methods and techniques are based on theory, conjecture and textbooks, not actual romantic or human experience or even on successful marriages.
Many Marriage Therapists Lack Proven or Relevant Experience
This could probably be said about many therapy related fields, but I feel that it is especially true in marriage counseling. I know of multiple marriage counselors who have actually gone through a divorce, but continue to teach others how to fix their marriage. Clearly these people have no idea what actually works if they can’t even save their own marriage, so why would you trust them to save yours?
Again, I don’t want to make any overly broad generalizations here, but I do feel like the marriage counseling field has become equivalent with divorce attorneys…It’s just one more cog in the machine leading to the simultaneous degradation and capitalization of marriage in America. I mean, from a price standpoint they’re both expensive… It will run you about $400 for an hour to talk on the phone with a divorce attorney, and a single marriage counseling session will usually cost you at least $100, and more for a ‘good’ one.
These are people that know you’re desperate and are willing to take advantage of that are their own gain.
Think about it, if you were truly passionate about helping people and saving marriages, would you demand $300 per session for something that you haven’t even seen consistently yield results? I’m not saying it’s morally wrong to charge a lot of money for your services, but when there’s so much money involved it’s only natural to question true motives, especially without results to justify a high price.
Think about it, most marriage counselors recommend at least 10 sessions to see results in your marriage, which means you’re dropping $1,000 to $2,000 on totally unproven techniques and strategies.
Which brings me to the implied second part of our original question…Does marriage counseling work, and why or why not?
And to me, this is what seems to be the reason most marriage counselors fail:
Most Marriage Counselors Have Been Trained To Analyze Problems, Not Create Solutions
This is what I really think it comes down to… Everything that your average marriage counselor has learned, and in turn everything they teach you, was very likely written by a psychologist.
All those things that your marriage counselor tells you…
* “Just keep working at it”…
* “Communication is the key”…
* “Be more open with each other”…
* “Start having intimacy time”…
* “Date nights are the answer”…
* “Make her feel loved”…
All of those things are written in some text book somewhere and that textbook was written by a psychologist. These are things that women think they want, and they do when everything is already perfect, but they will NOT save your marriage.
These are all things you should be doing when your marriage is thriving, more like characteristics of a successful marriage than actual techniques to fix a broken one.
But You Can Clearly See Their Train of Thought…
A good marriage has open communication, right? So it ‘makes sense’ that to fix a broken marriage you should develop open communication, right?
A good marriage has spouses who enjoy intimacy time with each other, right? So, it ‘makes sense’ to say that if you force intimacy time you’ll fix your marriage, right?
But marriage isn’t backwards compatible like that…It doesn’t work because these logical solutions are NOT going to work when there is no feelings of attraction or emotional fondness behind them. So even if you’re going through the motions correctly, there is no guarantee that you will actually fix your marriage.
In fact, if anything you’re almost guaranteed to make it worse, because you’ll remind your wife how bad things have to be that she can’t feel ANYTHING even when you’re apparently trying so hard.
Remember, attraction is the ONLY thing that will save your marriage. Without attraction there is no emotional incentive driving your wife to come back to you…Logic, reason, counseling, courses, books, rational techniques and perseverance will not save your marriage. Feelings, emotion and passion will.
So, does couples counseling work? Does marriage counseling work? I suppose I should let your own experiences give you the definitive answer, but from all of my own experience I would say that you’re better off trying to fix things on your own than with a counselor.

Articles Marriage Tips

Communication in Marriage

Lack or breakdown of communication is the primary reasons marriages fail. Couples have to learn to talk and listen to each other if they desire a solid marriage.


Communication, most especially verbal is what makes us different from other animals and that is the foundation of all human relationship.
Two people cannot walk together except they agree and they can’t agree except they TALK. read more

Articles Divorce Marriage Tips

Will A Trial Separation Save Or Break Your Marriage? Find Out Here!

Will A Trial Separation Save Or Break Your Marriage? Find Out Here!

Many couples out there with a failing marriage question whether or not a trial marriage separation will make or break their marriage. If you are seriously thinking about whether or not you and your spouse should get separated, please read on.
Many couples with failing marriage living under the same roof can not coexist with each other without fighting, arguing or even build more resentment between one another. If you have children, staying under the same roof with your spouse can do more hurt than good.
Keep in mind if you and your spouse want to make your marriage work, but it seems impossible while you guys are living together, separating for a little bit can save your marriage (with the help of marriage counseling).
Marriage separation can help your marriage if each person commits to saving their marriage. A Trial separation is a great way for each person to breathe and reflect about their marriage.
It is best to not date other people while you’re separated, if you have any hopes of making your marriage work. When you and your spouse are separated, take time to reevaluate your life. Think about what went wrong in the marriage. A trial separation can also give each person the space they need for themselves. With this space, (like mentioned above) reflect about where your spouse fits in and the steps you need to making your marriage work. This time alone allows you to really think about where your relationship stands with your spouse.
A planned marriage separation is more likely beneficial to your marriage than an unplanned separation. An unplanned separation is when one person moves out without discussing it with their spouse. In an unplanned separation, there are no plans or guidelines to make your marriage work, which will indefinitely cause divorce.
It’s always best to give a trial marriage separation a try rather than heading straight for divorce. Frequently telling your spouse that one day you will leave if they don’t change their ways may not hold the impact you hope until one day you actually move out. Many people with a spouse who threatens to leave don’t really believe they will leave until there are packed bags in front of the door.
By not immediately filing for a divorce, it gives your spouse a wake up call. This may be the final straw it takes for your spouse to really listen to your words and agree to see a marriage therapist.
If you and your spouse plan for a temporary marriage separation make sure you:
Communicate what your goals are for the separation. Are you goals similar to your spouse’s goals? When you guys talk about this, come to an agreement on what you guys want to happen during the marriage separation.
Set a time frame for how long you guys will be separated for. During this time, make sure you guys are taking strides to make your marriage work. Whether you guys see a marriage counselor at the time or begin dating again, make sure you guys keep in contact with each other to cultivate your marriage.
Making sure you guys set guidelines before you separate. Make sure that the guidelines are clear and that each party has a clear understanding.
A trial separation can heal your marriage. Don’t forget to take this time to also work on your own self improvements. It takes two people to make a relationship work and two people to make it fail. Find out what areas you need to work on yourself as well as your relationship issues.
Remember, the point of the marriage separation is that you get the space you need away from your spouse to think about things. This means, don’t call your spouse every day to see how their doing.
Your marriage separation should help reduce how much toxic emotions you and your spouse invoke in one another and give you the space you need to figure out the necessary steps to saving your marriage.

Articles Marriage Tips

The Functioning Alcoholic and Marriage

The Functioning Alcoholic and Marriage

I recently received an e-mail from a woman who believes her husband is a functioning alcoholic. Joan (alias) recently took the Alcoholism Test and then emailed me.
Although a few details are changed or left out for privacy reasons, Joan began with:
“I was researching functional alcoholism and came across your site. I took the Alcoholism Test to determine if my husband would be considered a functioning alcoholic. I have not yet spoken with anyone about this, but just researched Al-Anon and plan on attending a meeting . . . ”
Joan went on to make the following points:
• Married for 19 years.
• Husband a drinker, mostly drinking alone.
• He has been drinking more during the last 5-6 years (now more than two liters/week of hard liquor.)
• He is not abusive and does not miss work.
• He seems to have trouble remembering.
• He just seems out of it at night.
• His personality is changing.
• He has no interest in sexual intimacy.
• He now looks at ‘adult’ websites.
• He has never thought he had a drinking problem.
• She has become less tolerant of this behavior.
• She worries that she may seem non-caring.
Joan asked for some suggestions on how to approach him and ended with wanting my opinion on his condition.
I answered Joan’s email and encouraged her to attend a few Al-Anon meetings to gain some perspective. I suggested that her becoming intolerant was a good thing, because it indicated she was not slipping into codependency. I said some other things too, but I couldn’t really offer professional advice based on her email alone.
After I answered her I kept thinking about her situation and how similar it sounded to what I have heard so many times before. The long list of responses to the Alcoholism Test on my site was evidence enough.
So I prepared a more complete answer to all you “Joans” out there who are suffering relationship problems in the presence of alcohol abuse.
Of course, what follows is only a beginning. I go into much more detail in my book, Living with a Functioning Alcoholic – A Woman’s Survival Guide.
Your Relationship Comes First
Relationships are the heart and soul of our society. If our relationships with others were to disappear, most of us would feel all meaning slipping away from our lives. Our husbands, our wives, our children, our parents and extended family, our co-workers and our friends help to create what we become in life. We are a social species.
Relationships unfortunately can falter. And when your relationship with your life partner is faltering, you need to act decisively.
There has been research showing that a majority of couples on the brink of separating who somehow manage to hold on–five years later will be getting along fine. Unfortunately, many couples allow the situation to become unbearable before they even think of getting help, and they often don’t make it.
Joan wanted to know what she could do regarding her husband’s drinking as the cause of the other problems they were having.
I prefer, however, to start with the assumption that alcohol abuse is the symptom of something. It is often much more productive to focus on your relationship and on yourself than on the alcohol problem. Your relationship is where the real urgency is.
If your relationship doesn’t survive, your partner’s drinking habits won’t affect you anymore.
Counseling
Find a psychologist or other counselor who works with individuals and couples on their relationships. If possible, find one with expertise in the substance abuse area as well.
If your partner has no interest in getting marriage counseling, it may not be a problem, at least at first. When you go for counseling without him:
You will get clear about what you want out of life.
You will gain insights into what you might do to improve your relationship.
You will gain some clarity and calm about your own contributions to your problems together.
You will gain perspective on why you react as you do to his behavior.
What I have often done when working with an individual whose relationship is in trouble, is ask my client to invite her spouse to come to a session with her to assist me in understanding her. This is extremely useful on its own, but more often than not the partner will begin to participate.
Other issues will emerge, including mid-life issues, self-esteem issues, spiritual issues, empty-nest issues, fears that neither of you were even aware of, unhappiness, shame and, yes, alcohol abuse.
The point is this: if your partner stopped drinking today, you would still need to do the relationship work to recover your marriage. So why not get to work on your relationship right away and save yourself a mountain of grief?

Articles Marriage Tips

You’re Married to an Alcoholic – What to Do? What to Do?

Being married to a functioning alcoholic can cause many problems in a family. Tens of thousands of families in North America alone are struggling with this issue.


A drinking problem can begin in many ways. For some people it begins with social drinking. Social drinking can gradually deteriorate into alcohol abuse and eventually into alcohol dependence. The drinking became a habit and the habit became alcohol dependence or alcoholism. It matters not whether the alcohol is in the form of beer, wine or hard liquor. Alcohol is alcohol in any shape or form. read more

Articles Divorce

10 Reasons Why People Get Divorced

There are many reasons why people get divorced. This article explores some of the most common reasons that cause the end of a marriage.

ADULTERY

It will come as no surprise that adultery is an extremely common reason for divorce. However, research shows that many people are willing to forgive someone for cheating once. If the behaviour is common though, that often spells the end of a marriage. Adultery results in a lack of trust within a relationship. read more

Articles Marriage Tips

Sexless Marriage

Sexless Marriage

The extent of the research and the methodology employed far surpassed any study before it. Published by the University of Chicago in 1994, the public version of the report was provocatively titled Sex in America. The scientific version carried the duller title of The Social Organization of Sexuality. Though all sex studies are controversial, this one did its homework in its attempt to avoid research flaws and to get as true a representation of America as possible. Trained workers interviewed 3,432 scientifically randomly selected American men and women across America between the ages of 18 and 59.
One unexpected finding was that sex is not happening as much as most folks thought. The research indicates “about a third have sex with a partner at least twice a week, a third have sex with a partner a few times a month, and the rest have sex with a partner a few times a year or have no sexual partners at all.” How do those numbers change if you leave out singles and consider only those that are married? It seems that 20% of married couples between the ages of 18 and 59 have sex with each other ten times or less per year. Another 15% have sex with each other about twice a month or less. The ten time or less couples are often referred to as no-sex marriages (or sexless marriages) and the about twice a month group as low-sex marriages. In this article, we’ll combine them into the term sexless marriages.
Why should sexless marriages concern Christians? First, there is a Biblical imperative that should prevent Christian couples from having sexless marriages, but they exist anyway. Second, ample research exists to show that marital satisfaction and sexual satisfaction rise and fall together. If one or both mates are sexually dissatisfied, that negatively affects their satisfaction with their marriage as a whole. Third, medical science has found that those having sexual fulfillment benefit medically in important ways. If we believe that Christians must take care of their bodies, then we should believe that they must be sexually active in their marriages. Fourth, pornography. It may be that a sexless marriage increases temptation for porn usage. On the other hand, porn usage may lead to a sexless marriage. Either way, sexual fulfillment in marriage either affects or is affected by porn usage.
Biblical Imperative
Though some claim that sex is immaterial in a Christian marriage, Paul said that it is. The husband should fulfill his wife’s sexual needs, and the wife should fulfill her husband’s needs. The wife gives authority over her body to her husband, and the husband gives authority over his body to his wife. Do not deprive each other of sexual relations, unless you both agree to refrain from sexual intimacy for a limited time so you can give yourselves more completely to prayer. Afterward, you should come together again so that Satan won’t be able to tempt you because of your lack of self-control. (1 Corinthians 7:3-5, New Living Version)
Though not often preached from modern pulpits, this is a command of God. Depriving a spouse of sexual fulfillment is wrong. It is a sin.
How often is enough to obey this command? There may be an answer to that in the health benefits discussed below.
Marital Satisfaction
Many studies could be cited, but common sense and observation told us this before any social scientist tested the hypothesis; marital satisfaction and sexual satisfaction go hand in hand. Interestingly, as far as the social sciences are concerned it is somewhat of a chicken and egg question. Does a couple’s increased marital satisfaction lead to increased sexual satisfaction, or is it the other way around? I’m currently researching that question through the auspices of the University of Sydney (Australia).
My work with thousands of marriages indicates that when one is not satisfied with the marriage, s/he seldom is satisfied with sex in that marriage. Also, if either spouse is not satisfied with the sex in the marriage, s/he is not satisfied with the marriage either. Maybe it’s so symbiotic that one cannot exist without the other for most couples. One thing is sure, if a husband or wife is dissatisfied with the sexual relationship in the marriage – too little, not sensual enough, too much emphasis on the sensual, poor skills, body no longer in shape, hygiene, hang-ups, you name it – then that person is usually not terribly satisfied with the marriage itself.
God commanded us to fulfill each other sexually in our marriages. Science shows it is a factor in marital satisfaction. If the church believes that divorce is bad and staying married is good, then the church should be clearly teaching the Bible’s sexual command for sexual fulfillment.
Health Benefits
A great deal of study has been done around the world as to the medical affects of achieving fulfillment in a sexual encounter. There isn’t room to cite all the studies, but if you wish to know more a good source is a book published by The Johns Hopkins University Press, The Science of Orgasm.
An Israeli study found that women who regularly reach fulfillment are less likely to have a heart attack. There is associated research from other places in the world that address decrease in the likelihood of endometriosis, reduction of the intensity of cramps, and the like. From sexual interaction with the man there are also benefits that reduce the likelihood of breast cancer.
A British study found that men who regularly reach fulfillment are less likely to have a fatal heart attack. Other studies show that they are less likely to have prostate cancer.
Each time a man or woman reaches fulfillment, oxytocin releases into the brain and body in quantities that promote bonding between the two people. The more a married couple have sexual fulfillment (each of them fulfilled), the more they bond with each other; they become closer and more attached.
Additionally, with each achieved fulfillment, stress reduces, anxiety reduces, and the body’s ability to handle pain improves.
How often are the fulfillments that have good health effect taking place in these studies? Think of it this way, the male body produces a new batch of sperm about every 72 hours; that’s the way God made men. If fulfillment were achieved on average every 72 hours, that would be about two to three times per week. That’s about the average that most of these studies found to be medically beneficial. It appears that God made us to have sex with our spouses two to three times per week and that each of us should reach fulfillment. In marriages where that frequency occurs, not only are there health and emotional benefits, but satisfaction with the marriage increases, as indicated earlier. Taking care of one’s body, especially in sexual fulfillment, also helps take care of one’s marriage. It all ties together.
Porn
I realize the danger in discussing this because far too many women have suffered self-doubts about their appearance and ability as a result of their husbands turning to pornography. A lady once told me that she wished she had the money to have plastic surgery from the top of her head to the bottom of her feet so that her husband would want to look at her rather than those women on the Internet. Be assured that I do not in any way wish any woman or man to take blame for the sins of a spouse. Porn addiction is just that; an addiction. Drunks who claim their spouses drove them to drink are just as ridiculous as porn addicts who claim their spouses drove them to porn. Each person makes his or her own decisions. No one makes us addicts; we do it to ourselves.
Also, in this age many enter marriage with a distorted view of sex, sexuality, and sexual fulfillment. The more that people are exposed to porn before they are married, the more likely they are to believe that there are men and women who are always craving sex and that will do anything, anywhere, at any time. Boys and girls who have this as their teacher about what sex will be like in marriage are in for a great disappointment and, very likely, a lot of anger when they realize that their spouse isn’t like that. No one is. Not even the porn actors. If a person enters marriage with that expectation then his or her spouse is going to find it nearly impossible to please them sexually. Intense and repetitive education, maybe therapy, perhaps a miracle will work, but the other spouse trying to live up to this spouse’s fantasy won’t.
With that said, allow me to share a few thoughts about how a married couple might use sexual fulfillment to overcome pornography.
In the passage cited earlier, 1 Corinthians 7:3-5, note that a major reason to sexually fulfill each other in marriage is so that Satan won’t be able to tempt you because of your lack of self-control. God put our sexual drives within us. He knows how powerful that drive is and how a human that is sexually unfulfilled has a greater likelihood of yielding to temptation. That’s not a new thought; it’s in the verse. If I refuse my spouse the sexual fulfillment that she needs, I am a part of increasing her susceptibility to sexual temptation. If she sins, it is her choice, but this passage states that I helped her become vulnerable to that choice.
In our culture, men don’t have to find lovers or go to prostitutes if they seek sexual fulfillment outside their homes. With the advent of the Internet, porn is readily available and can be viewed in relative secrecy. I have heard from many men and many women that they feel justified in their usage of porn because there is little to no sexual fulfillment in their marriages and porn keeps me from doing something bad with a real person. If a wife is not actively involved in sexually fulfilling her husband, or if he is not actively involved in sexually fulfilling her, then yielding to the temptation of porn becomes easier for the unfulfilled spouse. It doesn’t make it right but it can make a person more susceptible. Of course, nothing justifies sin, but perhaps there is a way to de-porn at least some, if not many, of those who have yielded to this temptation. How? By obeying 1 Corinthians 7:3-5.
This does not mean that a wife becoming a sexual tigress will automatically eliminate her husband’s addiction if he is addicted to porn. Addictions require special help to overcome and no matter how sexually intriguing she becomes, he will return to his addiction until he receives the proper help to heal. She is not the cause of his addiction nor is she the one to heal it. (Change gender in the above sentences if the wife is the addict which can be the case.)
However, it does mean that if a husband or wife is using porn as an occasional outlet for pent up sexual drive or frustration, his or her porn usage may well be precluded by a fulfilling sex life in their marriage.
So, how does a couple do that? What does a Christian wife do to be what her husband needs sexually? What does a Christian husband do to be what his wife needs sexually?
This is the succinct answer: Make lovemaking fun, warm, and regular. You can do anything that both of you wish to do that doesn’t involve another person in reality or fantasy, doesn’t involve bestiality, and doesn’t harm the other. That sums up the Biblical prohibitions. What makes sex right is having it within the confines of the right relationship, marriage as God intended. What makes it wrong is having it with someone outside the confines of that right relationship. But we must realize that a sex deficient marriage is something that will harm our relationship with our spouse and act to keep our spouse fulfilled as Paul said in 1 Corinthians 7:3-5.

Articles Divorce Marriage Tips

Why Some Marriages Last and Others Don’t!

Why Some Marriages Last and Others Don’t!

Some marriages work and some don’t. After divorce, people begin to TRY to decipher the difference so we don’t make the same mistakes when we re-marry! So what is the difference between couples that make it through the challenges of life and those that don’t? Discover the 3 core elements that need to be present in order for a marriage to sustain the pressures of life!
People are always pondering about what makes one marriage last over another. What is it that leads to divorce? If you’ve been married once before, like I have, then you can almost become obsessed with this question – as I have over the years! We worry about remarriage. Some people are so afraid, that they never get remarried, and some people roll the dice, hoping for the best!
So let me start by asking this question: If you squeeze an orange, what comes out? Do you get lemon juice? Grapefruit juice? No! You get orange juice! Relationships are like an orange. When pressure is applied, what comes out is what is already on the inside. Nothing else.
So what is the difference that makes the difference? What are the components that keep the marriage lasting? In the early years of my marriage to my husband, I was very analytical. Always looking for the difference because I didn’t want to make the same mistake again. I wanted this one to last.
At first, I deduced that the reason for my failed marriage (when all was said and done) was because he just wanted to live a different life than I did. However, as I started working with more and more couples, I started to notice a pattern. Yes, there are specific core traits of successful couples!
1. Admiration. Successful couples truly admire each other. But even when things are crazy, they really have a mutual admiration for who they are, deep down inside. I was working with a couple the other day, and the husband was talking about a troubling situation they were dealing with as a blended family. As he was speaking, his wife just watched and listened and there it was on her face – the look of admiration! He didn’t see it because he was engrossed in the story, but there it was!
2. Respect. Successful couples have respect for each other. Sometimes, when we are dealing with stress in our life and/or family, we might not be at our best. We can behave disrespectfully, because we are angry or frustrated or whatever! That is different than respecting the other person. When our partner is in alignment with who we are and our values, there is a mutual respect present within the relationship that can weather adversity.
3. Shared lifestyle vision or dream. Successful couples share the same ideas when it comes to how they want to live the life both in the present and in the future. Did you ever notice how many couples on those decorating shows will say Our style is… and they seem to have the same style? They are either modern or traditional or country. This is true for overall lifestyle! They’re not necessarily exactly alike, but the bulk of how they want to live their life and how they envision their future is the same.
If your relationship isn’t like this right now, this does not mean that you should go break up or get divorced! It just means you have some work to do. By the way, if you’re currently single, do the assignment based on your past relationships. It will help you create a great one in your future!
1. Evaluate where you are in relationship with your spouse/significant other in these three key areas. Rank on a scale of 1-10, 10 being perfect score, for both you and your partner. What is your level of compatibility? It is feasible that one person admires more than the other!
2. Get real about the differences. Spend some time thinking through the What and Why of these differences and where they might be playing a role in the challenges you are experiencing in your relationship.
3. Get clear about your own desires! Based on what you’ve discovered, write out details of what the expression of admiration and respect is ideally like for you. Write out details of how you want to be living your life now and in the future. Be as specific as possible! You can’t make it happen if you’re not clear.
4. Talk with your partner! Let them know what you discovered – both the differences AND the similarities. If they’re not reading this article, share it with them. Have them do the same assignment and then come together to discuss ways to blend what you both want for yourselves. If anything, this will help you to re-connect, because, at the heart of every successfully blended family is a strong partnership!

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Five Reasons Why Second Marriages Fail at a High Rate

Five Reasons Why Second Marriages Fail at a High Rate

For some time the divorce rate in the USA for first marriages has held at about 50%. This is a national tragedy. This statistic also means that many people have subsequent marriages.
Common sense suggests that someone who remarries is older, wiser, more mature, has learned from their mistakes, and knows better what they want and need in a partner. Therefore, the divorce rate for second marriages would be expected to be substantially lower than the rate for first marriages. Despite our common sense expectations, according to demographic data, the divorce rate for subsequent marriages is, in fact, significantly higher than that of first marriages—65%, nearly two out of three! Why?
1. Money, Sex, and In-Laws
The above big three issues are the primary problems that plague most first marriages. These same issues also impact subsequent marriages—but even more so. The money problem becomes even more troublesome in second marriages due to child support and spousal maintenance payments. Second marriages feel the strain when money is tight and hubby has to send checks to the first wife.
The sex issue also gets interesting in subsequent marriages, if, for no other reason, one or both of the partners were previously in a committed relationship. Uncomfortable questions and comparisons are likely to arise.
The in-law situation becomes especially taxing in subsequent marriages, particularly when both partners bring a child into the new relationship. There would be husband’s parents, wife’s parents, husband’s ex’s parents, and wife’s ex’s parents. Whose house do you go to for Thanksgiving? Statistically, two of these in-law couples could be divorced so that could add another pair of in-laws this new couple may have to appease. If one of the partners is marrying for the third time and had a child with the previous two spouses, the mathematical permutations of potential in-laws is beyond this liberal arts graduate.
2. Children
Children keep tenuous marriages together. While natural children are binding agents in first marriages, step-children are often divisive factors in subsequent unions. Many parents struggle with managing their natural offspring; nearly all step-parents are frustrated with dealing with their step-kids. A major problem in blended families is partners not supporting each other with regard to the management of their respective natural children.
3. Ex’s
Some ex-spouses are pleased to see their ex enter a new relationship—especially if it could result in fewer legal motions being filed or reduced child support and alimony payments. Some ex’s, though, especially if they were the dumpee, are resentful when their ex finds a new relationship and may attempt to sabotage it. Some angry ex’s continue to bring their ex-spouse back to court for various reasons long after the divorce is final. This adds emotional and financial tension to the new partnership. Another sad but unfortunately common ploy is to negatively lobby the child against the new partner. This tends to make problem # 2 worse.
4. The Speed at which We Re-Couple
When you have been rejected by someone you once loved or decide to end a committed relationship, attention from another possible suitor is quite intoxicating. The data shows that many separated individuals are in a new exclusive relationship before the ink on the divorce decree is dry. We like to be coupled. A sizable number of persons will purposely enter a new relationship as a means of extricating themselves from an unfulfilling marriage. Rushing from one relationship into another is foolish and does not provide the time to fully explore the new one before becoming emotionally committed to it. Once the infatuation wanes, the new relationship could be in trouble.
5. Unconscious Dynamics
Psychoanalytic theory holds that who we marry is pre-determined. We are unconsciously attracted to individuals with certain characteristics. This attraction does not guarantee a healthy paring; this subconscious desire, in fact, may lead to angst in the relationship. Unfortunately, most of us are unaware of our unconscious forces. If the marriage ends, we tend to put all the blame on our ex and rarely consider our role in that failed relationship. Thus, we subsequently unconsciously seek another partner with essentially the same dynamics of our ex—and the next relationship is in jeopardy.
I recommend that if you have left a committed relationship, for any reason, you should immediately get into counseling for a minimum of nine months before you consider entering another exclusive relationship.

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Marriage and Barriers to Openness

Marriage and Barriers to Openness

A whole lots of people are having problems in their marriage today because they allow barriers in their openness to their spouses,here let us check some of the barriers you must remove to give room for open ness in your marriage.
1.Ignorance. Many lack godly wisdom in marriage. They believe it is wrong to let their spouse know everything about them. This is not the right thing to do. Your spouse may be the only one who can give you godly counsel you need to help you solve that problem you are keeping from him or her. Just as you can’t keep any secret from God, you shouldn’t keep any from your spouse. Proverbs 16:2
2.
Self. Selfishness is another reason some refuse to open up. A self-centered person sees things only in relation to himself. When self gets in the way, you are bound to see your spouse with jaundiced eye, then you will judge all actions in relation to you only. Do they please me? Am I justified? Will I gain from it? A good marriage is represented by the acronym- JOY meaning-
J- Jesus first
O- Others in between
Y- Yourself last.
Anything different from this will always amount to trouble in your marriage. Philippians 2:4.
3.​Poor spiritual life. A man with a deficient spiritual life or a backslider is likely to listen to the world and not what God says. It takes the fear of God to make marriage work.
4.​Unfaithfulness. When a person becomes unfaithful to his or her marriage vows, it becomes extremely difficult to open up to his or her partner. Proverbs 28:13
5.​Wrong Association. When you relate with people who do not cherish marriage, then it becomes difficult to open up to your partner. Proverbs 29:24
6.​Immaturity. It takes a mature mind to manage marriage in God’s way. Baby husbands and wives will definitely make a mess of it. 1 Corinthians 14:20
7.​Unforgiveness. Unforgiveness and a crave for vengeance destroy marriage easily. It breaks the unity of purpose and disallows openness. It breeds bitterness, hatred, resentment, nagging and a chain of evil things. Colossians 3:13
8.​Wrong Conceptions. Misconceptions in marriage also destroy openness. Some people believe that one’s spouse should not know everything about one’s life. Those with this mindset cannot open up to each other.
OPENNESS IS THE SECRET OF CLOSENESS.
YOU CAN ONLY GUARD YOUR FAMILY FROM ATTACK BY BEING OPEN TO EACH OTHER

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Your Wife Wants Space! How to Handle This in a Compassionate Way

Your Wife Wants Space! How to Handle This in a Compassionate Way

The day a man marries he’s doing so with a full heart and the very best intentions. You’d be hard pressed to find a man who recently wed who will say that he doesn’t believe his marriage will last. People just don’t take the walk down the aisle or make the emotional commitment if they don’t believe their union is going to fulfill them for a lifetime. read more

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Intimacy In Marriage: IN-TO-ME-SEE

Intimacy In Marriage: IN-TO-ME-SEE

According to a Dictionary intimacy is defined as, “showing a close union or combination of particles or elements: an intimate mixture.”
Being intimate involves the mixing of our life with another’s, a mingling of souls, a sharing of hearts. This is something we all long for because it’s how God made us. We were designed to connect.
Real Intimacy is More Than Sex
Maybe you are wondering about sex. Assuredly, sex is a part of intimate expression, but it is not intimacy. Sex is a basic level of physically connecting to another person, but intimacy is a deeper connection.
INTIMACY BEGIN WITH YOU:
Yes, it begins with you, you must know yourself and make yourself known to your partner, you must be willing to remove all barriers, be open, reveal your true self; your joy, your fears, your passions, plans, visions, dreams, hopes, desires.
A writer wrote:” True intimacy is being close to the one you have chosen to always be closest to… forsaking all others. This is a closeness of minds, of hearts and of bodies. This is someone who knows what you’ve been through, what you want from life, and what you’re capable of. You cannot find this level of intimacy with someone if you are a false representation of yourself”.
You must be willing to open the door to the one you married without fear or reservation.
To do this, you must be able to know yourself, who you are, what you want, how you want to be treated, you must first be connected to yourself, accept yourself and be able to bring others in to your sanctuary.
INTIMACY IS TRANSPARENCY:
To be transparent means to be open, candidly free from guile and to be frank.
Transparency in marriage simply means the state of been open, truthful, candid and frank with your spouse, it also means to be free from dishonesty at home.
Marriage becomes a difficult task when couples are not transparent with each other, there can never be intimacy in such a marriage, to build intimacy in your marriage, be transparent.
INTIMACY IS ACCEPTANCE:
Intimacy involves acceptance, accepting yourself the way you are enough to open your life to your spouse, if you don’t accept whom you are, you will not be able to release your whole self to your partner.
It also involves accepting your spouse, accepting the person’s strength, weakness, past, future, vision, hobby, plans and aspiration.
When you accept the one you married, you will not find it difficult to release yourself wholly.
INTIMACY IS OPENNESS:
It also involves opening of your mouth to talk, but when you talk you are not just to open your mouth but to open your mind, your totality.
No openness, no transparency. No transparency, no Intimacy. No intimacy, No True Marriage. If you want a better marriage, then open up, let your spouse know you.
INTIMACY IS TRUTHFULNESS:
The foundation of openness is truthfulness, if you are not truthful then you are not open, because it only means you are opening the wrong room to your spouse which is even worse because it will end up destroying trust which is the real foundation for intimacy.
INTIMACY IS TRUST:
The end point of truthfulness and openness is transparency, the major work of transparency in marriage is INTIMACY. Do everything to build trust in your marriage.

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Intimacy in Marriage – Politeness is the Key

Intimacy In Marriage: Politeness Is The Key

It is easy for people to throw caution into the wind after weeding, disrespecting their spouses, removing courtesy hurting each other deeply.
Many wrong things we cannot do to outsiders are what we do to our spouses, this is totally wrong.
To have intimacy in your marriage, to enjoy sizzling and intimate relationship with your spouse politeness is the key.
To show that we are polite to our spouse and spark up intimacy in our marriage, thereby enjoying the miracle of politeness in our homes, we must do the following:
1. Speak politely to your spouse. The easiest way to be impolite is through our words. An impolite person uses harsh words, is unkind, full of abusive words, criticizes unjustly and finds it easy to condemn. The easiest way to be polite can still be through our words; when you speak politely, encourage, motivate, appreciate, praise, assure your spouse of your support and speak to uplift each other. Proverbs 15:23 2. Be excited when you see your spouse, this is the key to intimacy in your home.
3. Honor him or her in the public and in secret.
4. Never report your spouse to your friends and family members.
5. Handle him or her politely in the presence of your friends, children and family.
6. Get angry politely. Even in the face of provocation, get angry without being impolite. You must not talk or act to destroy. When you are angry, express your anger in the most polite way.
7. Give attention to your spouse. It is an act of being impolite when you ignore your spouse whether at home or in public. This attitude has the capacity to kill your spouse’s morale.
8. V.I.P your spouse. Treat your spouse as a very important personality. Give high regards to your mate, esteem him or her in your heart and in your actions.
9. Be a privileged partner. See yourself as a very privileged person to have married your spouse. See him as the president; handle her as you would if the first lady stays in your house. Give your husband a presidential welcome; give your wife a first lady salute. You are privileged to have married a man or woman like her.
10. Keep his or her secrets. Never divulge the secrets you are privileged to know about your spouse to anybody else. If you do that, you are being impolite. Proverbs 25:2.
11. Be polite to him or her in absential. Some people are fond of talking ill of their spouses when he or she is not there, only to honor him or her when the person comes. This is wrong. This is an act of disloyalty and very hypocritical. Proverbs 24:3-4 12. Be polite to him or her in your heart. Don’t ever think negatively about your spouse in your heart, but if it comes, destroy it immediately. The heart is the seat of loyalty and disloyalty. Never allow your heart to work against your marriage; it is dangerous.
13. Be polite to your spouse even on the phone. Don’t ever fail to pick his or her calls. If you do, which should not be intentional, call him or her back immediately. Speak to him or her with respect on phone. Don’t ever hang up on your spouse; it is a sign of impoliteness. Proverbs 24:26 14. Argue politely. Even if you think your spouse said something foolish, please don’t confirm it. Argue positively and politely. Talk about the issue at hand in a manner that makes it easy for your spouse to accept correction, thereby preventing a recurrence of such. Proverbs 17:14 If intimacy is your dream in your home, then be polite, handle your spouse politely and respect.
REMEMBER: IT IS IMPROPER TO BE IMPOLITE

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Why Is Your Wife Bored of Your Marriage Right Now?

Why Is Your Wife Bored of Your Marriage Right Now?

If you’re facing problems in your marriage right now, then you already know what it’s like dealing with a cold, distant wife who has no interest in talking to you or seeing you happy.
Or maybe she’s the other side of the spectrum, constantly finding something to be angry with you about? Either way, it’s not a good time for anyone involved. The question is…
What can you do to get your wife back?
Well, as you continue reading each word of the rest of this article, I’m going to be telling you what drives women away, why your attempts to get her back have so far been futile, and what you need to do to start getting your wife back today.
Sound good? Let’s go ahead and get started!
What Drives Women Away More Than Anything?
Boredom!
The fact of the matter is that when your wife feels bored, she will automatically assume that there’s something wrong in the relationship.
You can blame our crazy fast-paced 21st-century lifestyle, or you can blame feminism, or you can just blame yourself, but no matter who you blame, the fact remains that women and boredom do not mix very well at all.
And this isn’t just the type of boredom that you feel on a lazy Sunday afternoon…This is the type of boredom that makes you question your life’s choices, and wonder whether you could be doing something more. This type of boredom leads to a very potent “grass is greener on the other side” mentality, which can obviously have some very negative impact on your marriage.
Communication Becomes Inneffective; It Just Doesn’t Cut it Anymore
When you have minor marriage problems, they can most of the time be resolved through simple communication. Get everything out on the table, hash it out, kiss and make up (or maybe a little more than kiss?) and call it a day.
We talk about things, they get resolved, that’s just the way things work, right?
Well, not always.
When your wife is feeling bored, or there’s something else severely wrong with your marriage, communication stops being an effective problem-solving method. It’s not that she no longer listens to you or what you’re saying, it’s that simple words just can’t change her mind anymore.
This Is Why Marriage Counseling Frequently Doesn’t Work
Different marriage problems require different solutions, and marriage counseling is only one solution of the many available to you. However, many people turn straight marriage counseling in times of marital strife, when really this isn’t the best thing to do.
There is a reason that marriage counseling only has something like a 60% success rate, and it’s because there is a very ideal client for marriage counseling. Anyone else will generally get left by the wayside. When your wife is bored and communication has become ineffective, that is almost certainly one of those times.
Marriage counseling works best when both people clearly want to FIX the marriage, not when you’re the only one trying!
Attractions Speaks Louder Than Words
Do you like my play on words?
It’s times like this that you need something that is more powerful than simple communication. You need something that supersedes the boundaries of words to change the way your wife feels about your marriage and about you. You need to make her feel ATTRACTED to you once again.
When you can make your wife feel attracted to you, all of a sudden her thoughts of leaving will seem petty to her, and she will suddenly realize that she WANTS to stay in the marriage, and that she WANTS you.
The question is, how do you rebuild attraction?
Well, I know that I’ve left you with a couple questions here about how to get your wife back, but don’t worry! I have answers for you, too!
I’d like to start by recommending you to a free report that I put together for you… It will help you understand where your wife is coming from and hopefully give you some insights about how to turn your marriage around. Check it out:
Free Report – Are You a Good Husband?
Whatever your decide to do from here, I honestly wish you the best of luck.
Thanks for reading!

Articles Divorce Marriage Tips

Top 3 Reasons Why Marriages Fail

Top 3 Reasons Why Marriages Fail

Are you married and the worse case scenario for you and your spouse is divorce? Perhaps you are already in a struggling marriage that’s headed for disaster. Here are 3 tops reasons why marriages fail. Are you doing any of these things that’s ruining your marriage?
1.Communication
This one may be obvious, but communication is such a crucial component to any relationship. Do you and your spouse communicate in an effective manner? Problems due to lack of communications is usually when one or both spouse refuse to listen or don’t talk at all. If you and your spouse refuse to communicate, listen or talk, your marriage is set to fail.
Many people have different ways of communicating. When this happens, it’s crucial for you and your spouse to learn how to relate to one another. If you and your spouse cannot relate to one another, you guys won’t be able to express your emotions, feelings and goals in an effective and satisfying manner. Couples with the inability to relate to each other are usually the ones headed for divorce.
2. Commitment
Commitment is the next biggest reasons why marriages do not work out. Divorce is preventable. It’s not going to be easy but if you are committed to making it work, no matter how tough it gets any marriage can survive. There are times where it seems easier to give up and quit. When this happens, each person usually brings their problems and inability to communicate effectively to their next marriage, create a vicious cycle of failing relationships.
Many people who lack commitment in their marriage tends to put anything to everything in front of their marriage. Work, friends, family and so forth are important but should never take place over your marriage. Is your marriage your top priority? If you can’t genuinely say yes, you’re going to have to reevaluate your priorities and make sure you put your marriage on top of your priority list.
3. Arguments and Conflicts
There is no such thing as a marriage without conflicts. It doesn’t mean you have bad marriage if you and your spouse argues every now and then. Arguing all the time is another story. Unresolved fights will make sure the problem will come up again. If you find that you and your spouse constantly disagree over the same thing, it is imperative that you and your spouse sit down and talk about the issue until it’s resolved. This is where you’re going to have to communicate effectively. Make sure you both can relate to each other’s issues.
Another big time marriage killer is resentment. Resentment occurs when you don’t fully express your emotions and needs. Some people stifle their true emotions because of fear that their spouse will get upset or for whatever reasons. When you don’t express when you’re mad, sad or upset, feelings of resentment will arise.

Articles Divorce

Why a Woman Leaves Her Man For No Reason

Why a Woman Leaves Her Man For No Reason

How often do I hear of marriages that end in divorce, and when asked about it, the male partner who was left behind will say something like, I don’t get it. I loved and provided for her. I thought we were fine. She left for no reason.
Often a woman’s affection toward her husband does a nose dive when he begins to choose other activities or people over her. This is a blind spot for so many guys, as they aren’t really aware of the way their misplaced priorities damage their relationship.
Many husbands are shocked when their wives leave them for no reason after ten, twenty or even thirty years of marriage. They feel a sense of betrayal for providing everything their wives needed, or wanted—a nice home, a good car, plenty of money to raise the children, vacations, and financial security. Yet that wasn’t enough. Why? A woman needs so much more than things.
For a marriage to flourish, a wife needs to know she has a very special place in her man’s heart. She needs for her spouse to grant her honor. She needs her man to attach high value, worth and importance to her above everything and anyone else, and below God.
Let me ask you a look-in-the-mirror question: Does your wife feel less important than your work, hobbies, golfing or fishing buddies?
I’m not saying you’ve got to donate the fishing gear to the Salvation Army, or sell your Callaway clubs at the next garage sale. A lot of husbands reading this will probably feel threatened by the thought of giving their wives special treatment, fearing they will lose out with their friends, career, or hobbies. They falsely believe if they give up other activities for the sake of being with their wives, they will give them up forever.
Full disclaimer: Nothing that I coach men about winning in their relationships revolves around giving up their masculinity, or losing their identities in their marriage. The first lesson I learned in my first failed marriage was that I had to reinvent how to connect to the heart of a woman, NOT how to reinvent my manhood!
Remember, when a wife feels she is #1, she gets excited about her husband being able to do the things he wants to do. But words are cheap. Simply telling her she’s first so she’ll let you off the hook to head out and play doesn’t work. In fact, if she finds out you’ve tried to manipulate her, find the dog house because that’s where you’ll be sleeping for a while. Worse off, you may be faced with major problems concerning her trust in you and her own feelings of worth.
So you must step up like a real man and honor the sweetheart of your youth. If you really want your wives to feel they’re the most important thing, that’s noble of you, and I send a high-five your way. But it’s hard right?….until we honor her through action.
Here’s your coaching lesson to step-up like a real man. Remember that feelings follow thoughts and actions. In other words, it’s not until after you place your wife on the pedestal she deserves to be on, and put the queen’s crown on her head, that you will begin to have that warm and fuzzy sensation inside of you. That’s the feeling you get when you treasure someone.
Fair warning: your ego will probably be bruised living these principles, but that’s good news—it’ll tell you you’re on the right track. Humility is the strength of a true servant leader.
Your woman needs to see action and not hear mere promises. Give her time to watch you climb the mountain if she ain’t buying it first. The more consistently you connect to her heart, the more trustworthy you’ll become. Soon she’ll put on her hiking boots and trek up the cliff with you.
So what happens after you attach high value to your girl, the mother of your children? She will be free to encourage your fishing expeditions and the early bird back 9 tee time with your buddies (or, for a female friend I know, support her man’s rigid running routine), knowing that she’s at the top of your list.
My wife encourages me to enjoy and pursue my interests in sports and writing because she feels secure in her position of importance. If something drastic happened, she knows my first commitment would be her. Even if it happened during game seven of the NBA Finals, with the Lakers playing the Celtics!
To your success,
Marcel

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What’s The Prognosis For Your Verbally Abusive Relationship Or Marriage?

What’s The Prognosis For Your Verbally Abusive Relationship Or Marriage?

Has verbal abuse infiltrated your relationship or marriage to the extent you’re ready to do something about it? Perhaps you intend to suggest marriage counseling to your husband? Or, before you do that, do you suppose if you tell him how much his verbal abuse hurts you emotionally, he will drop it?
Don’t be so sure. Believe it or not, he might intentionally be using verbal abuse to control you, or to get you to behave the way he desires.
If he suffers from an unhealthy level of narcissism and certainly, if he is diagnosable as having actual Narcissistic Personality Disorder or NPD, this is apt to be the case. It might not be what you want to hear, but you should listen up anyway.
The thing is, narcissistic men tend to use not only verbal abuse, but they seem to favor emotional abuse, economic abuse, social abuse, and sexual abuse, too. A narcissistic man might be content to rely upon only one or two of these forms of abusive behavior. Then again, you’ll see some plagued with narcissism using all of them.
Why did I fail to mention physical abuse? Because while the narcissist might use it, he is probably disinclined to do so. Assuming he has achieved a certain level of success personally or professionally, he doesn’t need the raised eyebrows or attention from the law that might cause. Furthermore, the narcissist is not as out of control or impulsive as the individual who suffers from Antisocial Personality Disorder, or who has antisocial tendencies, at least. Oh, and by the way, this is the label now used in the mental health arena to define someone previously called a sociopath, and before that, a psychopath.
But let’s get back to the topic of verbal abuse and how you might determine the prognosis for your marriage by understanding your husband’s motivation for engaging in that type of behavior in the first place.
As I said already, some men who suffer from unhealthy levels of narcissism engage in verbal abuse as a means of controlling the partner and getting her to do his will. But just as you might have been accepting of his verbal abuse for awhile because you grew up in a family where your parents verbally abused you, or verbal abuse is familiar depsite the fact it is emotionally painful, your husband or partner might have grown up in such a home, too. Because he had verbally abusive roles models, he has crafted a verbally abusive relationship not out of desire to control, but more from conditioning or habit.
If you call this man on his verbal abuse and tell him you are simply not going to tolerate this verbally abusive relationship any longer, he might stare back at you in shock. He might actually be apologetic and agree he’ll do anything to try and change. And indeed, he might be helped by couples’ communications skills, anger management classes, or marital counseling.
If you have seen the Dr. Phil show, you might have seen a man or two who honestly was appalled when he saw and heard himself on the videotape. But then again, you”ve seen those who accepted no responsibility and kept blaming the woman. Yes, she made him do it, or somehow she asked for it. Well, or she needed to be kept in line. She obviously did not know her place.
Right, she wasn’t acknowledging him as king and herself as his humble servant.
Some of the men might have had antisocial tendencies. Some might have been narcissists. Actually, it doesn’t much matter which category they fall into. Well, I take that back. I suppose it does. Both will use verbal abuse to control you. The verbal abuse will likely grow worse over time. But while the professionally successful narcissist might never resort to physical abuse because that could bring on problems he doesn’t need, and especially when the other forms of abuse accomplish the ends he desires, the man with Antisocial tendencies may start with verbal abuse, but then slip into physical abuse, too.
Either way, the prognosis for your marriage is not good.
Be forewarned that if you drag your narcissistic and abusive spouse to therapy, he might listen intently to what the therapist says. Rather than applying what he has learned to his own behavior, however, he will likely use it against you. In other words, he might point out how you are not using I statements or you are hitting below the belt and not fighting fairly. He will point out that you did not sandwich your criticism between two positive statements. Yes, he will apply all of the things you’ve been learning together to find more powerful or specific ways to criticize you.
If this is how your husband behaves, please know that his verbal abuse will undoubtedly continue on. In fact, the abusiveness in your verbally abusive relationship will likely only intensify over time.
Sure, a few verbally abusive relationships might be transformed. But sadly, too many of them have a poor prognosis.
Which type of verbally abusive relationship are you in? Do you have any idea? If not, are you ready to find out?

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Why Affairs Are Good For Your Marriage

Not getting enough attention, spouse cheated, unable to talk about it, feeling uncertain about the future and losing trust. Among these symptoms, many people who are going through this tough situation are wishing for it all to go back to the way it once was.


But now you must stop and consider this, do you really want to turn back the time before this affair has ever happened and would this even be possible? read more

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Why Many Marriages Fail – Expecting Too Much and Not Trying Hard Enough

Why Many Marriages Fail – Expecting Too Much and Not Trying Hard Enough

It is not necessary to be a keen observer of the social scene to realize that the marital relationship as we know it is floundering and, in many cases, sinking. The divorce rate is astronomical and shows no sign of slowing down. Intelligent and experienced people rush into matrimony with the loftiest expectations only to file for a divorce less than a year after pronouncing vows of fidelity. I know of one lovely young couple that seemed to have everything going for them: sharpness of intellect, warmth of heart, willingness to make a commitment, and even idealism. Yet hardly had they settled into their life together when the husband wanted out. “It’s not what I expected,” he declared. Unfortunately, his reaction is not the exception that proves the rule. It has occurred again, and again, and again.
What is wrong with all these people? Part of the problem may be the fierce individualism, even selfishness that our society has instilled in the younger generations. The minute there is a conflict, the reaction is often: “I don’t have to take your crap any more. I’ll be better off alone.”Young adults are no longer restrained by the stigma of divorce. Divorce is now so common that it has become a fact of life. In the past, married couples plagued with all kinds of unresolved tensions would simply sweep them under the carpet and continue making do. Now people just close the door behind them, seek out new partners, and often go through the same cycle again, having learned nothing.
Another reason for the divorce rate, I believe, is exaggerated expectations. Younger generations have grown up with frozen food, a boon to harried homemakers but hardly the epitome of haute cuisine. When in a hurry, you just pull out a ready-made dinner from the freezer, shove it into the oven at the designated temperature, and in less than an hour you have a ready-to-eat meal. Unfortunately, too many young adults tend to view human relations in this way. If an experience does not provide them with instant gratification, then it is unsatisfactory. They will view their marriage as a failure. It rarely occurs to them that dealing with another individual implies all kinds of complex issues. Life simply can’t be reduced to the size of a dinner gulped down in front of a TV screen. Building human relations takes time and effort. If you are unwilling to invest your energy into them, you will ultimately be left with nothing but disappointments.
But even when newly married couples try sincerely to see beyond the mirage of instant gratification, they can fall victims to another deadly illusion: the belief that two unhappy solitudes will constitute one plenitude. A commentator on the Discomfort Zone website said it in another way: “My observation of most marriages (or inseparable couples in general): two people stubbornly believing in the mathematical formula that two minus give one plus.” Too many young adults believe that simply by linking their destiny with another human being to whom they may feel attracted will automatically bring them fulfillment.
Obviously, their multiple hang-ups will not be dissolved magically through marriage. On the contrary, there is every reason to believe that their problems will be compounded. Many married couples are bogged down in this dilemma and, of course, their relationships go down the drain. Their illusions about being married are their blind spot and, not being able to foresee what is in store for them, they head right into a wall.

Articles Divorce Love In General Marriage Tips

Why Men Cheat Vs Why Women Cheat – The Top 10 Reasons Why Men And Women Cheat

Why Men Cheat Vs Why Women Cheat – The Top 10 Reasons Why Men And Women Cheat

What makes a person in a marriage or committed relationship cheat on their spouse or significant other? Surprisingly, the answer depends on whether you’re talking about a cheating woman or a cheating man. The reasons why men cheat are different from the reasons why women cheat. Numerous infidelity studies, surveys and polls have found that men and women who are cheating on their spouses have different motivations for getting involved in extramarital affairs.
The Top Reasons Men and Women Cheat
For most men, sex is the primary motivating factor for cheating on their mate. The majority of the reasons cheating men give for their infidelity were directly or indirectly related to sex.
On the other hand, women who were cheating on their spouses or significant others had different motivations for their affairs. The primary motivating factors for cheating wives are linked to unmet emotional needs or dissatisfaction with their marriage, or their mate.
Below are the 10 most common reasons cheating husbands and cheating wives use to justify their extramarital affairs:
Top 10 Reasons Why Men Cheat
• more sex (the desire for a more active sex life)
• sexual variety (the desire for different type of sex or particular sex act)
• opportunistic sex ( presented with an opportunity to have sex without getting caught)
• to satisfy sexual curiosity (about having sex with a particular person)
• to reaffirm his sexuality
• a feeling of entitlement (the belief that it’s a man’s prerogative to cheat)
• the thrill of the chase
• the desire to feel important or special ( an ego boost)
• peer pressure
• sexual addiction
Top 10 Reasons Why Women Cheat
• lack of emotional intimacy (a desire for a close emotional bond)
• dissatisfaction with her mate
• marital or relationship unhappiness
• a desire for male attention
• to reaffirm her desirability (To feel validated as a woman)
• to re-experience feelings of romance
• a desire to feel special
• boredom
• loneliness
• sexual excitement
The Bottom Line on Why Men and Women Cheat
In a nutshell, men tend to cheat largely for sexual reasons, while women cheat for emotional reasons. There are several studies on infidelity that bear that out. One study, in particular, found that 75% to 80% of the men who admitted to having extramarital affairs said that sex was their primary motivation. Only 20% of the women who were having extramarital affairs said they did so for purely sexual reasons.
Of course, the reasons listed above aren’t the only reasons cheating men and cheating women are unfaithful to their mates. There are many other reasons as well. But these were the reasons most frequently given by cheating husbands and cheating wives who were willing to discuss why they were having an extramarital affair.
Most Cheaters Get Away With Cheating on their Mates
Studies further indicate that most infidelity goes undetected. The majority of cheating spouses get away with cheating on their mates. In one study, 70% of married women and 54% of married men had no idea their spouse was having an extramarital affair. Another study found that 60% of the cheating spouses said their partner did not know about their affair.
Why Most Cheaters Don’t Get Caught
There’s a reason why so many cheating spouses get away with cheating on their mates. Contrary to popular belief, it’s not because the innocent partner is in denial. Most people are woefully uninformed or misinformed about signs of infidelity. They may realize that something is somehow wrong with their marriage or relationship – that something is lacking, that the relationship is not all that it could be. But because of their unfamiliarity with the signs of infidelity., –particularly the subtle signs — they don’t realize the underlying problem is undetected infidelity.
If more people knew how to recognize the warning signs of infidelity, more marriages could be saved. After all, the first step to solving a problem is knowing that the problem exists. The best way to protect a marriage or relationship is to familiarize yourself with the signs of infidelity. For a FREE copy of the report entitled 21 Ways to Tell That You Have a Cheating Mate, which describes the 21 major categories of infidelity signs, e-mail with 21 ways-sg in the subject line.
For more information about signs of infidelity, cheating spouses or extramarital affairs, visit www.InfidelityAdvice.com

Articles Divorce

Why Couples Separate And Divorce

Why Couples Separate And Divorce

Every separation is unique. If you asked 100 couples who have divorced what caused them to split, you could get dozens of different reasons. However, surveys show there are common factors in many divorces. Here are some of those common factors:

Not really serious. This really does occur particularly when the couple is young. One or both partners had not fully understood that marriage is a life-long commitment. Now, unable or unwilling to accept that fact, the marriage ends.

Money. Pressure of not being able to pay the bills can be a factor why couples separate. It might be that one spouse has failed to balance his or her budget when living at home or unemployment has dented the couple’s income. But whatever the cause is, money worries are often a factor in couple’s separation.

Adultery. It’s an old-fashioned word, but cheating on your spouse is a major factor in the breakdown of many marriages.

Criminal behavior. Abuse can take many forms. Physical violence is a well-known face of abuse but verbal threats, intimidation and psychological cruelty are also part of abuse. This reprehensible behavior is a significant factor in forcing couples to separate.

Lack of communication. It seems silly that this factor causes a marriage to fail, but there are many couples who find it difficult or impossible to communicate with one another. Many disagreements can be sorted out if only the partners sit down and calmly discuss the situation. If they can’t, the separation begins.

Mid-stream change of plans. A couple may create plans and agree on what they will do as the years roll on, but one partner might change his or her mind. It could be moving interstate, not having a child or more children, or one spouse no longer wanting to stay at home to care for the children. When a major shift in the original agreement occurs, some couples can’t handle the change and separate.

Alcohol and drugs. Addiction to alcohol or drugs is a worry not just for the user but also for those who are nearest and dearest to him or her. Many marriages fail when addiction rears its ugly head.

Second marriages. The divorce rate is higher with second and subsequent marriages than with first-time unions. One of the contributing factors to this could be the relationship with the step-children. Oftentimes, when someone re-marries, one or both spouses become a step-parent. While the couple needs to get to know one another, there are the kids to consider as well. Children, who don’t like their new step-parent or vice-versa, can be a factor in the breakdown of the marriage.

Articles Marriage Tips

When Marriage Problems Build Up, Here’s How to Break the Ice

When Marriage Problems Build Up, Here’s How to Break the Ice

Does this problem ring a bell? You’re nursing a grievance. You didn’t bring it up at the moment because there was too much going on. Or you were afraid things would go south. Or you thought maybe it was one of those times in a marriage when you should just cut your partner slack and move on. Except this time you just can’t and it’s still eating away at you.
You know you need to clear the air, but how? If it’s been more than a week or so, you feel awkward going back and saying, By the way, there’s this thing you did that you probably don’t even remember, but it still bothers me.
I really resent having to do all the work for the Kim’s party last month, said Terry. I had to come up with the ideas and pull the whole thing together. I’d like to enjoy the kids’ parties but it’s hard when I feel like things are so unfair.
Terry knows her feelings are not going to go away on their own. But it feels so negative to start talking about something that’s over a month old. She really dislikes negative people. And she definitely doesn’t want to start a fight. A couple of times she psyched herself up for it, but then her husband had to work late, or one of the kids needed help with homework and it just never happened.
Sound familiar?
The trouble is, when resentments fossilize, they drive a wedge between you. If you let them build up, you’ll find you start drifting apart. Keeping silent almost always causes more harm than the original issue ever would have. In fact, it’s the number one relationship killer. I can always tell when a couple walks in with this problem because of the lifeless feeling between them.
You probably have a good idea of the dangers already. In our self-help culture, here’s a lot of talk about how destructive not talking is! But just knowing this doesn’t show you how to get unstuck and move forward.
When you’re afraid to break the ice, or for that matter, afraid of anything in your life, you need small steps. Ask yourself: What’s the smallest step I could take to open things up between us?
This idea might not feel natural. When your resentment is big (and growing) you can get into an all or nothing mindset: Either I keep quiet or let it blow. And if you don’t quite feel entitled to speak up, you might unconsciously work yourself into a fury to get yourself over the hump.
Another pitfall is feeling like you have to say everything perfectly. You have to make a water-tight case for your position in order to feel justified in advocating for yourself. That’s a lot of pressure. No wonder you put it off!
Often the best small step is to name what you see going on, before you even get into what’s bothering you:
We haven’t been talking much this week, have we?
This way you’re inviting your partner to address any issues he might have, too. If you’re frustrated, he’s probably frustrated, too. Of course, you have make good on your offer. If you’ve been chewing on your feelings for awhile, it might come as a shock that your partner has complaints about you, too! And even if he’s unaware there’s any issue, it’s still a winning approach.
Then you can go a half-step further:
I’ve been pretty frustrated and my guess is you’re not feeling great, either.
When you do bring up your issue, mention your fears as well. For Terry, it went like this:
I have some things I want to say about how Kim’s party went. I’m afraid you’ll think I’m holding a grudge because I’m still thinking about it. I haven’t said anything before because I was afraid we’d end up in a fight. I hope we can just have a good conversation about it.
It will be hard for your partner not to feel at least some concern for you.
There’s no point in planning what you’re going to say beyond this point, because who knows how your conversation will go? Not the way you imagined, usually. That’s another way people work themselves into an aggressive mode, by planning out the whole conversation.
After you float your invitation, do your best to be patient and allow the conversation to unfold. When you’re uncomfortable, you want to wrap things up as soon as you can and get onto something more pleasant. Plus, if you’re a high-achiever like so many of my clients, moving fast is just your mode. But when you’re tending to the business of emotions, forget about trying to close the deal quickly. A slow pace creates the safety that emotions need to show themselves.
Knowing I didn’t have to get to the bottom of everything in one sitting was a big help, said Terry. It brought a lot of relief to both of us just to open the door a little bit. We feel a little closer, and not so adversarial. We’re still figuring things out, but at least now we’re playing on the same team.