Articles Marriage Tips

You’re Married to an Alcoholic – What to Do? What to Do?

Being married to a functioning alcoholic can cause many problems in a family. Tens of thousands of families in North America alone are struggling with this issue.


A drinking problem can begin in many ways. For some people it begins with social drinking. Social drinking can gradually deteriorate into alcohol abuse and eventually into alcohol dependence. The drinking became a habit and the habit became alcohol dependence or alcoholism. It matters not whether the alcohol is in the form of beer, wine or hard liquor. Alcohol is alcohol in any shape or form. read more

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Law of Attraction – Activating Your Desire and Attention

Law of Attraction: Activating Your Desire and Attention

The Law of Attraction states that like attracts like and that what you focus your attention on will expand. It is in operation whether we hold a positive or a negative thought. People working their way through the divorce process are often flooded with thoughts and feelings they don’t want. Using words like don’t, not or no puts focus and energy on the things we do not want to have in our lives. For example, having the thought of I don’t want to be hurt again keeps your awareness on being hurt. This makes it more likely that you will continue to attract the situations or relationships where you will feel hurt.
According to expert Michael Losier, there are some main steps to activating the Law of Attraction:
*Identify Your Desire
*Give Your Desire Attention
*Allow or Receive That Which You Desire
First: Identify Your Desire
Most people don’t get what they want simply because they are not clear on what they do want. Divorce, for all of its emotional upheaval, is actually a wonderful opportunity to get clear on what you do want. You’ve experienced enough negatives or disappointments that have brought your relationship to an end. Why not use the specific examples of what didn’t work in your relationship to get you crystal clear on what you do want for future relationships?
Here’s how to get started to on step one and identify what you desire. Take a moment to reflect on your relationship and name some of the elements that didn’t work for you. Was there betrayal? Disrespect? Lack of cooperation? Was it hard to communicate openly? A lack of common interests? Usually people can very quickly come up with an impressive list of what they don’t want!
Instead of feeling defeated by all of the ingredients in your relationship that didn’t work, turn them to your advantage. For each item on your list, identify the opposite characteristic. Ask yourself, what do I want? For example, if betrayal is something you don’t want, the opposite could be honesty.” Difficult to communicate becomes open, effortless communication. As you work your way through the list, write the flip-side of the negative characteristic you want to leave behind so you can get clear on what you do want. Then cross the negative quality off your list and start to put your attention on what you do want!
Second: Give it Attention
If you’ve completed step one, you should have created a fairly inspiring list of all the qualities you do want. It’s time to keep your focus and attention on what you want to attract.
In their book, Ask and it is Given, Esther and Jerry Hicks call this second step The Universe answers. Your job is simply to make your desire known and keep your focus on that. They say, All things that you ask for, large and small, are immediately understood and fully offered, without exception. So this part of the process is actually
out of your hands.
Creating a desire statement is a powerful way to keep your attention on it. Put together some of the qualities you want to attract into a short statement. Affirmations, usually stated in the present tense as if you already have what you desire, aren’t all they are cracked up to be. Affirming “I have an amazing, passionate relationship” when that’s not yet true for you can raise doubts and negative thoughts instead of positive vibrations. Use the phrase I am in the process of… as a way to manage your inner dialogue while you are still in the process of attracting your desire. For example, if you are still single, using the statement I am in the process of attracting an amazing, passionate relationship is more accurate and believable. This allows you to more easily maintain a positive focus on what you want.
Third: Allowing or Receiving that which you Desire
This is critical to your success at using the Law of Attraction and it’s the step which is least understood. Pull all the parts of the Law of Attraction together as a powerful tool to thrive after divorce.
Take Action!
1. Make a list of at least 15 things you experienced in your divorce that you don’t want to have in your future.
2. Flip ‘em. For each negative characteristic, ask yourself what you do want instead and get clear on the qualities you DO want.
3. Put together a short desire statement and use that to keep your focus positive. Use the phrase I’m in the process of… to help you anchor your belief. Post it up somewhere so you’ll see it often.

Articles Marriage Tips

Will Marriage Counseling Get Your Wife Back?

Will Marriage Counseling Get Your Wife Back?

“Does marriage counseling work? My wife and I have tried seeing a marriage counselor for the past few weeks, but it doesn’t seem like it’s doing anything…What am I doing wrong?”
If you’re like many of the lost and confused husbands in the 21st century, then you have already tried the most commonly prescribed solution to any marriage problem, i.e. marriage counseling.
I don’t know when it became such common practice, but somehow the go-to solution for any and all problems that could plague a marriage (separation, loss of passion, divorce, infidelity, lack of communication, etc.), the most prominent and widely advice that you’re going to get is “have you tried marriage counseling?”
You would think that such a booming and reputable industry would be so highly recommended because of its high success rate, right? In other words, marriage counseling is so popular because it has a history of legitimately fixing the marriage problems that plague so many relationships these days, right?
Wrong!
Did you know that…
Marriage Counseling has the Highest Failure Rate of Any Therapy
Yup, marriage counseling and marriage counselors have the lowest success rate of any other counseling or therapy related field.
So, does marriage counseling work? I would say ‘not even close’.
* Drug addicts in rehab have a higher success rate than marriage counselors
* Alcoholics in AA have a higher success rate than marriage counselors
* Anger management therapy has a higher success rate than marriage counselors
* Even the prison counseling programs for murderers, rapists and other criminals have a higher success rate than marriage counseling
You would think that for up to $200 per hour there’d be some sort of guarantee that you’d see results in your marriage, but this is absolutely not the case. Marriage counseling DOES NOT WORK for most couples, and marriage counseling success rates are surprisingly low (less than 25%).
There is a type of couple that can benefit from marriage and family counseling, but it is the exception, not the rule. Most marriage counselors don’t effectively address the true issues that are leaving you and your wife ‘unfulfilled in our marriage’.
Does Marriage Counseling Work? Do We Have the Highest Divorce Rates, Ever?
Admittedly, according to recent statistics, the divorce rate in America has finally come to somewhat of a plateau in the past couple years because less people are getting married, so there are less couples to divorce.
But still, in the past 10 – 25 years divorce rates have sky rocketed, and I want you to really think about this for a minute… Doesn’t it seem strange that the rise in divorce rates correlates almost directly with the thriving marriage counseling industry? Some might argue that this makes sense because more divorces need more marriage counseling, but what if the true source of the problem wasn’t actually divorce, but the total ineffectiveness, even counter-productivity, of marriage counseling?
I’ll tell you an example of this – My own parents are divorced. They were married for over 20 years, and they tried everything in the book to save their marriage. They tried not one, not two, not three, not four, but FIVE different marriage counselors over the course of 10 YEARS, and not a single one of them did anything to save their marriage.
In fact, the marriage only ever got worse because my parents became frustrated with their lack of progress, and that frustration led to even more problems in the marriage.
In other words, marriage counseling added fuel to the fire, and it poisoned my parents’ marriage.
Now, I’m not saying that all marriage counselors are complete quacks, but a surprising amount of them are. Their marriage counseling methods and techniques are based on theory, conjecture and textbooks, not actual romantic or human experience or even on successful marriages.
Many Marriage Therapists Lack Proven or Relevant Experience
This could probably be said about many therapy related fields, but I feel that it is especially true in marriage counseling. I know of multiple marriage counselors who have actually gone through a divorce, but continue to teach others how to fix their marriage. Clearly these people have no idea what actually works if they can’t even save their own marriage, so why would you trust them to save yours?
Again, I don’t want to make any overly broad generalizations here, but I do feel like the marriage counseling field has become equivalent with divorce attorneys…It’s just one more cog in the machine leading to the simultaneous degradation and capitalization of marriage in America. I mean, from a price standpoint they’re both expensive… It will run you about $400 for an hour to talk on the phone with a divorce attorney, and a single marriage counseling session will usually cost you at least $100, and more for a ‘good’ one.
These are people that know you’re desperate and are willing to take advantage of that are their own gain.
Think about it, if you were truly passionate about helping people and saving marriages, would you demand $300 per session for something that you haven’t even seen consistently yield results? I’m not saying it’s morally wrong to charge a lot of money for your services, but when there’s so much money involved it’s only natural to question true motives, especially without results to justify a high price.
Think about it, most marriage counselors recommend at least 10 sessions to see results in your marriage, which means you’re dropping $1,000 to $2,000 on totally unproven techniques and strategies.
Which brings me to the implied second part of our original question…Does marriage counseling work, and why or why not?
And to me, this is what seems to be the reason most marriage counselors fail:
Most Marriage Counselors Have Been Trained To Analyze Problems, Not Create Solutions
This is what I really think it comes down to… Everything that your average marriage counselor has learned, and in turn everything they teach you, was very likely written by a psychologist.
All those things that your marriage counselor tells you…
* “Just keep working at it”…
* “Communication is the key”…
* “Be more open with each other”…
* “Start having intimacy time”…
* “Date nights are the answer”…
* “Make her feel loved”…
All of those things are written in some text book somewhere and that textbook was written by a psychologist. These are things that women think they want, and they do when everything is already perfect, but they will NOT save your marriage.
These are all things you should be doing when your marriage is thriving, more like characteristics of a successful marriage than actual techniques to fix a broken one.
But You Can Clearly See Their Train of Thought…
A good marriage has open communication, right? So it ‘makes sense’ that to fix a broken marriage you should develop open communication, right?
A good marriage has spouses who enjoy intimacy time with each other, right? So, it ‘makes sense’ to say that if you force intimacy time you’ll fix your marriage, right?
But marriage isn’t backwards compatible like that…It doesn’t work because these logical solutions are NOT going to work when there is no feelings of attraction or emotional fondness behind them. So even if you’re going through the motions correctly, there is no guarantee that you will actually fix your marriage.
In fact, if anything you’re almost guaranteed to make it worse, because you’ll remind your wife how bad things have to be that she can’t feel ANYTHING even when you’re apparently trying so hard.
Remember, attraction is the ONLY thing that will save your marriage. Without attraction there is no emotional incentive driving your wife to come back to you…Logic, reason, counseling, courses, books, rational techniques and perseverance will not save your marriage. Feelings, emotion and passion will.
So, does couples counseling work? Does marriage counseling work? I suppose I should let your own experiences give you the definitive answer, but from all of my own experience I would say that you’re better off trying to fix things on your own than with a counselor.

Articles Marriage Tips

The Functioning Alcoholic and Marriage

The Functioning Alcoholic and Marriage

I recently received an e-mail from a woman who believes her husband is a functioning alcoholic. Joan (alias) recently took the Alcoholism Test and then emailed me.
Although a few details are changed or left out for privacy reasons, Joan began with:
“I was researching functional alcoholism and came across your site. I took the Alcoholism Test to determine if my husband would be considered a functioning alcoholic. I have not yet spoken with anyone about this, but just researched Al-Anon and plan on attending a meeting . . . ”
Joan went on to make the following points:
• Married for 19 years.
• Husband a drinker, mostly drinking alone.
• He has been drinking more during the last 5-6 years (now more than two liters/week of hard liquor.)
• He is not abusive and does not miss work.
• He seems to have trouble remembering.
• He just seems out of it at night.
• His personality is changing.
• He has no interest in sexual intimacy.
• He now looks at ‘adult’ websites.
• He has never thought he had a drinking problem.
• She has become less tolerant of this behavior.
• She worries that she may seem non-caring.
Joan asked for some suggestions on how to approach him and ended with wanting my opinion on his condition.
I answered Joan’s email and encouraged her to attend a few Al-Anon meetings to gain some perspective. I suggested that her becoming intolerant was a good thing, because it indicated she was not slipping into codependency. I said some other things too, but I couldn’t really offer professional advice based on her email alone.
After I answered her I kept thinking about her situation and how similar it sounded to what I have heard so many times before. The long list of responses to the Alcoholism Test on my site was evidence enough.
So I prepared a more complete answer to all you “Joans” out there who are suffering relationship problems in the presence of alcohol abuse.
Of course, what follows is only a beginning. I go into much more detail in my book, Living with a Functioning Alcoholic – A Woman’s Survival Guide.
Your Relationship Comes First
Relationships are the heart and soul of our society. If our relationships with others were to disappear, most of us would feel all meaning slipping away from our lives. Our husbands, our wives, our children, our parents and extended family, our co-workers and our friends help to create what we become in life. We are a social species.
Relationships unfortunately can falter. And when your relationship with your life partner is faltering, you need to act decisively.
There has been research showing that a majority of couples on the brink of separating who somehow manage to hold on–five years later will be getting along fine. Unfortunately, many couples allow the situation to become unbearable before they even think of getting help, and they often don’t make it.
Joan wanted to know what she could do regarding her husband’s drinking as the cause of the other problems they were having.
I prefer, however, to start with the assumption that alcohol abuse is the symptom of something. It is often much more productive to focus on your relationship and on yourself than on the alcohol problem. Your relationship is where the real urgency is.
If your relationship doesn’t survive, your partner’s drinking habits won’t affect you anymore.
Counseling
Find a psychologist or other counselor who works with individuals and couples on their relationships. If possible, find one with expertise in the substance abuse area as well.
If your partner has no interest in getting marriage counseling, it may not be a problem, at least at first. When you go for counseling without him:
You will get clear about what you want out of life.
You will gain insights into what you might do to improve your relationship.
You will gain some clarity and calm about your own contributions to your problems together.
You will gain perspective on why you react as you do to his behavior.
What I have often done when working with an individual whose relationship is in trouble, is ask my client to invite her spouse to come to a session with her to assist me in understanding her. This is extremely useful on its own, but more often than not the partner will begin to participate.
Other issues will emerge, including mid-life issues, self-esteem issues, spiritual issues, empty-nest issues, fears that neither of you were even aware of, unhappiness, shame and, yes, alcohol abuse.
The point is this: if your partner stopped drinking today, you would still need to do the relationship work to recover your marriage. So why not get to work on your relationship right away and save yourself a mountain of grief?

Articles Marriage Tips

Your Wife Wants Space! How to Handle This in a Compassionate Way

Your Wife Wants Space! How to Handle This in a Compassionate Way

The day a man marries he’s doing so with a full heart and the very best intentions. You’d be hard pressed to find a man who recently wed who will say that he doesn’t believe his marriage will last. People just don’t take the walk down the aisle or make the emotional commitment if they don’t believe their union is going to fulfill them for a lifetime. read more

Articles Marriage Tips

Saving Your Marriage When You Have Children

Research indicates that, unless there is violence in the home, children are better off being raised by an intact family. Whenever clients who have children call to work with me on their marriage, I always encourage them to do all they can to save their marriage.


Leah is a good example of a woman who, on the verge of divorce with four young children, decided to do the work of saving her marriage – and succeed beyond what she thought was possible. read more

Articles Marriage Tips

When Marriage Problems Build Up, Here’s How to Break the Ice

When Marriage Problems Build Up, Here’s How to Break the Ice

Does this problem ring a bell? You’re nursing a grievance. You didn’t bring it up at the moment because there was too much going on. Or you were afraid things would go south. Or you thought maybe it was one of those times in a marriage when you should just cut your partner slack and move on. Except this time you just can’t and it’s still eating away at you.
You know you need to clear the air, but how? If it’s been more than a week or so, you feel awkward going back and saying, By the way, there’s this thing you did that you probably don’t even remember, but it still bothers me.
I really resent having to do all the work for the Kim’s party last month, said Terry. I had to come up with the ideas and pull the whole thing together. I’d like to enjoy the kids’ parties but it’s hard when I feel like things are so unfair.
Terry knows her feelings are not going to go away on their own. But it feels so negative to start talking about something that’s over a month old. She really dislikes negative people. And she definitely doesn’t want to start a fight. A couple of times she psyched herself up for it, but then her husband had to work late, or one of the kids needed help with homework and it just never happened.
Sound familiar?
The trouble is, when resentments fossilize, they drive a wedge between you. If you let them build up, you’ll find you start drifting apart. Keeping silent almost always causes more harm than the original issue ever would have. In fact, it’s the number one relationship killer. I can always tell when a couple walks in with this problem because of the lifeless feeling between them.
You probably have a good idea of the dangers already. In our self-help culture, here’s a lot of talk about how destructive not talking is! But just knowing this doesn’t show you how to get unstuck and move forward.
When you’re afraid to break the ice, or for that matter, afraid of anything in your life, you need small steps. Ask yourself: What’s the smallest step I could take to open things up between us?
This idea might not feel natural. When your resentment is big (and growing) you can get into an all or nothing mindset: Either I keep quiet or let it blow. And if you don’t quite feel entitled to speak up, you might unconsciously work yourself into a fury to get yourself over the hump.
Another pitfall is feeling like you have to say everything perfectly. You have to make a water-tight case for your position in order to feel justified in advocating for yourself. That’s a lot of pressure. No wonder you put it off!
Often the best small step is to name what you see going on, before you even get into what’s bothering you:
We haven’t been talking much this week, have we?
This way you’re inviting your partner to address any issues he might have, too. If you’re frustrated, he’s probably frustrated, too. Of course, you have make good on your offer. If you’ve been chewing on your feelings for awhile, it might come as a shock that your partner has complaints about you, too! And even if he’s unaware there’s any issue, it’s still a winning approach.
Then you can go a half-step further:
I’ve been pretty frustrated and my guess is you’re not feeling great, either.
When you do bring up your issue, mention your fears as well. For Terry, it went like this:
I have some things I want to say about how Kim’s party went. I’m afraid you’ll think I’m holding a grudge because I’m still thinking about it. I haven’t said anything before because I was afraid we’d end up in a fight. I hope we can just have a good conversation about it.
It will be hard for your partner not to feel at least some concern for you.
There’s no point in planning what you’re going to say beyond this point, because who knows how your conversation will go? Not the way you imagined, usually. That’s another way people work themselves into an aggressive mode, by planning out the whole conversation.
After you float your invitation, do your best to be patient and allow the conversation to unfold. When you’re uncomfortable, you want to wrap things up as soon as you can and get onto something more pleasant. Plus, if you’re a high-achiever like so many of my clients, moving fast is just your mode. But when you’re tending to the business of emotions, forget about trying to close the deal quickly. A slow pace creates the safety that emotions need to show themselves.
Knowing I didn’t have to get to the bottom of everything in one sitting was a big help, said Terry. It brought a lot of relief to both of us just to open the door a little bit. We feel a little closer, and not so adversarial. We’re still figuring things out, but at least now we’re playing on the same team.

Articles Divorce Marriage Tips

Top 3 Reasons Why Marriages Fail

Top 3 Reasons Why Marriages Fail

Are you married and the worse case scenario for you and your spouse is divorce? Perhaps you are already in a struggling marriage that’s headed for disaster. Here are 3 tops reasons why marriages fail. Are you doing any of these things that’s ruining your marriage?
1.Communication
This one may be obvious, but communication is such a crucial component to any relationship. Do you and your spouse communicate in an effective manner? Problems due to lack of communications is usually when one or both spouse refuse to listen or don’t talk at all. If you and your spouse refuse to communicate, listen or talk, your marriage is set to fail.
Many people have different ways of communicating. When this happens, it’s crucial for you and your spouse to learn how to relate to one another. If you and your spouse cannot relate to one another, you guys won’t be able to express your emotions, feelings and goals in an effective and satisfying manner. Couples with the inability to relate to each other are usually the ones headed for divorce.
2. Commitment
Commitment is the next biggest reasons why marriages do not work out. Divorce is preventable. It’s not going to be easy but if you are committed to making it work, no matter how tough it gets any marriage can survive. There are times where it seems easier to give up and quit. When this happens, each person usually brings their problems and inability to communicate effectively to their next marriage, create a vicious cycle of failing relationships.
Many people who lack commitment in their marriage tends to put anything to everything in front of their marriage. Work, friends, family and so forth are important but should never take place over your marriage. Is your marriage your top priority? If you can’t genuinely say yes, you’re going to have to reevaluate your priorities and make sure you put your marriage on top of your priority list.
3. Arguments and Conflicts
There is no such thing as a marriage without conflicts. It doesn’t mean you have bad marriage if you and your spouse argues every now and then. Arguing all the time is another story. Unresolved fights will make sure the problem will come up again. If you find that you and your spouse constantly disagree over the same thing, it is imperative that you and your spouse sit down and talk about the issue until it’s resolved. This is where you’re going to have to communicate effectively. Make sure you both can relate to each other’s issues.
Another big time marriage killer is resentment. Resentment occurs when you don’t fully express your emotions and needs. Some people stifle their true emotions because of fear that their spouse will get upset or for whatever reasons. When you don’t express when you’re mad, sad or upset, feelings of resentment will arise.

Articles Love In General Marriage Tips

What To Do When There’s No More Trust In The Relationship

What To Do When There’s No More Trust In The Relationship

There’s a saying that trust is like a mirror, once it’s broken, you might get hurt trying to put it back, and when you get it back, you can never look at it the same way again. Trust is a very delicate, profound and essential thing to have in a companionship. That’s why when trust is gone, the only way for the relationship to go is down.
When there’s no trust in the relationship, it can be exhausting! Not to mention distracting and disturbing. But who suffers the most when it no longer exist in the relationship? The partner who has trust issues or the one who cannot be trusted? I say, both.
The partner who cannot trust never enjoys peace of mind. This person can never take pleasure of being in a loving relationship, because he or she believes that the other person always has an ulterior motive. He or she is not capable of connecting intimately anymore because he or she thinks that the other person is being unfaithful. The person who has trust issues is a sad, angry, lonely and a confused person. On the other hand, the person who cannot be trusted suffers just as much; especially if he or she agitated the it on the first place. When you have faltered and help developed your partner’s trust issues, then it’s just right that you straight things out, especially if you still care for your partner and you need to save your relationship.
So, here are what to do when trust is gone in the relationship and how to get it back.
* Both of you should have a deeper and unselfish need to save the relationship. This is important, because building it needs a lot of effort and compromises. If either one of you believes that there’s nothing much in the relationship to be salvaged then there’s no hope for it to be repaired.
* If you’re the partner who have been betrayed and having trouble trusting again, the first thing that you need to do is to take a moment. Listen to what your partner has to say, and make the decision to forgive him and yourself, then make realistic conditions on what your partner needs to do to win it again.
* If you are the one who started the trouble, then the biggest burden to prove yourself worthy to be trusted again is yours to carry. The first thing you need to do, is of course, apologize, admit your mistakes and say the magic words, I am willing to do anything… Stand by your words. Be transparent whatever it takes.
* Both of you need to compromise. For the perpetrator, when your partner takes out a list of ways to win her or his it back again, be thankful! Appreciate the fact that he or she is willing to tell you what you need to do instead of playing mind games on you. For the victim, again, be sure that your conditions are realistic and doable. If one or two of the things on your list seem impossible for your unworthy partner to do, then compromise.
I know that it’s hard to keep a relationship going when there’s no trust, but at least have faith that someday things will be alright. Never ever lose your faith, because it’s your faith that that will help you pull through this unhardened and unjaded. When you have gotten out of your relationship rut with a kind, forgiving heart, coupled with a deep compassionate wisdom, that’s when you can truly say that you have successfully survived. If things are shaky and your future seems bleak now, be patient, repairing it needs time, for the meantime, let your faith lead you.

Articles Divorce

Why a Woman Leaves Her Man For No Reason

Why a Woman Leaves Her Man For No Reason

How often do I hear of marriages that end in divorce, and when asked about it, the male partner who was left behind will say something like, I don’t get it. I loved and provided for her. I thought we were fine. She left for no reason.
Often a woman’s affection toward her husband does a nose dive when he begins to choose other activities or people over her. This is a blind spot for so many guys, as they aren’t really aware of the way their misplaced priorities damage their relationship.
Many husbands are shocked when their wives leave them for no reason after ten, twenty or even thirty years of marriage. They feel a sense of betrayal for providing everything their wives needed, or wanted—a nice home, a good car, plenty of money to raise the children, vacations, and financial security. Yet that wasn’t enough. Why? A woman needs so much more than things.
For a marriage to flourish, a wife needs to know she has a very special place in her man’s heart. She needs for her spouse to grant her honor. She needs her man to attach high value, worth and importance to her above everything and anyone else, and below God.
Let me ask you a look-in-the-mirror question: Does your wife feel less important than your work, hobbies, golfing or fishing buddies?
I’m not saying you’ve got to donate the fishing gear to the Salvation Army, or sell your Callaway clubs at the next garage sale. A lot of husbands reading this will probably feel threatened by the thought of giving their wives special treatment, fearing they will lose out with their friends, career, or hobbies. They falsely believe if they give up other activities for the sake of being with their wives, they will give them up forever.
Full disclaimer: Nothing that I coach men about winning in their relationships revolves around giving up their masculinity, or losing their identities in their marriage. The first lesson I learned in my first failed marriage was that I had to reinvent how to connect to the heart of a woman, NOT how to reinvent my manhood!
Remember, when a wife feels she is #1, she gets excited about her husband being able to do the things he wants to do. But words are cheap. Simply telling her she’s first so she’ll let you off the hook to head out and play doesn’t work. In fact, if she finds out you’ve tried to manipulate her, find the dog house because that’s where you’ll be sleeping for a while. Worse off, you may be faced with major problems concerning her trust in you and her own feelings of worth.
So you must step up like a real man and honor the sweetheart of your youth. If you really want your wives to feel they’re the most important thing, that’s noble of you, and I send a high-five your way. But it’s hard right?….until we honor her through action.
Here’s your coaching lesson to step-up like a real man. Remember that feelings follow thoughts and actions. In other words, it’s not until after you place your wife on the pedestal she deserves to be on, and put the queen’s crown on her head, that you will begin to have that warm and fuzzy sensation inside of you. That’s the feeling you get when you treasure someone.
Fair warning: your ego will probably be bruised living these principles, but that’s good news—it’ll tell you you’re on the right track. Humility is the strength of a true servant leader.
Your woman needs to see action and not hear mere promises. Give her time to watch you climb the mountain if she ain’t buying it first. The more consistently you connect to her heart, the more trustworthy you’ll become. Soon she’ll put on her hiking boots and trek up the cliff with you.
So what happens after you attach high value to your girl, the mother of your children? She will be free to encourage your fishing expeditions and the early bird back 9 tee time with your buddies (or, for a female friend I know, support her man’s rigid running routine), knowing that she’s at the top of your list.
My wife encourages me to enjoy and pursue my interests in sports and writing because she feels secure in her position of importance. If something drastic happened, she knows my first commitment would be her. Even if it happened during game seven of the NBA Finals, with the Lakers playing the Celtics!
To your success,
Marcel

Articles Divorce Love In General Marriage Tips

Victims Of Domestic Violence And Their Experiences With Social Workers And Other Professionals

Victims Of Domestic Violence And Their Experiences With Social Workers And Other Professionals

Are you a professional working with victims of domestic violence? Often professionals work with victims of domestic violence and can often end up victimising them without even being aware of it. Some professionals may have victim blaming attitudes and actually be a part of the social problem of revictimisation that victims of domestic violence go through when they turn to professionals and support agencies for help.

When some victims of domestic violence turn to professionals for support they may be blamed for the abuse or even mistreated. This revictimisation can cause victims of domestic violence to become depressed, hopeless and even give up looking for help to get out of an abusive relationship. Professionals working with victims of domestic violence need to be aware of how they treat domestic abuse victims when they are approached for support. Victims of domestic violence need a non judgemental attitude, empathy, understanding and emotional support.

Some victims of domestic violence have reported in various research studies that they get treated badly when they go to support agencies for help. Domestic abuse victims may turn to police, doctors, counsellors, victim support workers, and social workers for help. However, the drawback is that the support that they were looking for is not often what they receive.

As a professional do you understand the type of support victims of domestic violence want? Many professionals go through training on how to work with domestic abuse victims and may read many books on how to support victims of abuse. Unfortunately, many domestic abuse victims do not feel supported and they also feel that some workers need more training on how to give the correct support to abuse victims.

Do victims of domestic violence feel that they should be treated better? What do you think? If a domestic abuse victim goes to a professional for support and ends up being victimised then they may feel that there is no point in reaching out for help. This may cause some domestic abuse victims not to get the help and support they desperately need.

A UK qualitative research study of the experiences of victims of domestic violence and their experiences of social work intervention showed that many victims of domestic violence have negative experiences with social workers. This study presented the viewpoint of victims of domestic violence about their social workers. The participants in the research presented both positive and negative views of social workers. They described their encounters with social workers and how they felt social workers could improve their intervention in order for it to be more beneficial.

Professionals need to improve their practice with victims of domestic violence in order to meet their needs and help them feel empowered enough to leave abusive relationships.

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Why Men Cheat Vs Why Women Cheat – The Top 10 Reasons Why Men And Women Cheat

Why Men Cheat Vs Why Women Cheat – The Top 10 Reasons Why Men And Women Cheat

What makes a person in a marriage or committed relationship cheat on their spouse or significant other? Surprisingly, the answer depends on whether you’re talking about a cheating woman or a cheating man. The reasons why men cheat are different from the reasons why women cheat. Numerous infidelity studies, surveys and polls have found that men and women who are cheating on their spouses have different motivations for getting involved in extramarital affairs.
The Top Reasons Men and Women Cheat
For most men, sex is the primary motivating factor for cheating on their mate. The majority of the reasons cheating men give for their infidelity were directly or indirectly related to sex.
On the other hand, women who were cheating on their spouses or significant others had different motivations for their affairs. The primary motivating factors for cheating wives are linked to unmet emotional needs or dissatisfaction with their marriage, or their mate.
Below are the 10 most common reasons cheating husbands and cheating wives use to justify their extramarital affairs:
Top 10 Reasons Why Men Cheat
• more sex (the desire for a more active sex life)
• sexual variety (the desire for different type of sex or particular sex act)
• opportunistic sex ( presented with an opportunity to have sex without getting caught)
• to satisfy sexual curiosity (about having sex with a particular person)
• to reaffirm his sexuality
• a feeling of entitlement (the belief that it’s a man’s prerogative to cheat)
• the thrill of the chase
• the desire to feel important or special ( an ego boost)
• peer pressure
• sexual addiction
Top 10 Reasons Why Women Cheat
• lack of emotional intimacy (a desire for a close emotional bond)
• dissatisfaction with her mate
• marital or relationship unhappiness
• a desire for male attention
• to reaffirm her desirability (To feel validated as a woman)
• to re-experience feelings of romance
• a desire to feel special
• boredom
• loneliness
• sexual excitement
The Bottom Line on Why Men and Women Cheat
In a nutshell, men tend to cheat largely for sexual reasons, while women cheat for emotional reasons. There are several studies on infidelity that bear that out. One study, in particular, found that 75% to 80% of the men who admitted to having extramarital affairs said that sex was their primary motivation. Only 20% of the women who were having extramarital affairs said they did so for purely sexual reasons.
Of course, the reasons listed above aren’t the only reasons cheating men and cheating women are unfaithful to their mates. There are many other reasons as well. But these were the reasons most frequently given by cheating husbands and cheating wives who were willing to discuss why they were having an extramarital affair.
Most Cheaters Get Away With Cheating on their Mates
Studies further indicate that most infidelity goes undetected. The majority of cheating spouses get away with cheating on their mates. In one study, 70% of married women and 54% of married men had no idea their spouse was having an extramarital affair. Another study found that 60% of the cheating spouses said their partner did not know about their affair.
Why Most Cheaters Don’t Get Caught
There’s a reason why so many cheating spouses get away with cheating on their mates. Contrary to popular belief, it’s not because the innocent partner is in denial. Most people are woefully uninformed or misinformed about signs of infidelity. They may realize that something is somehow wrong with their marriage or relationship – that something is lacking, that the relationship is not all that it could be. But because of their unfamiliarity with the signs of infidelity., –particularly the subtle signs — they don’t realize the underlying problem is undetected infidelity.
If more people knew how to recognize the warning signs of infidelity, more marriages could be saved. After all, the first step to solving a problem is knowing that the problem exists. The best way to protect a marriage or relationship is to familiarize yourself with the signs of infidelity. For a FREE copy of the report entitled 21 Ways to Tell That You Have a Cheating Mate, which describes the 21 major categories of infidelity signs, e-mail with 21 ways-sg in the subject line.
For more information about signs of infidelity, cheating spouses or extramarital affairs, visit www.InfidelityAdvice.com

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Why Isn’t He Ready to Get Married?

Why Isn’t He Ready to Get Married?

Why Isn’t He Ready to Get Married?Learn how you can get a few steps closer to walking down the aisle!
You’ve dated for 3 years, lived together for 1 of them and are really beginning to wonder if this man of your dreams, your soul mate, is ever going to pop the big question. Certainly the two of you have discussed marriage. Yet lately every time you bring up the subject, it ultimately gets shrugged off as a great idea and you are left wondering if the relationship is ever going to move out of this exclusive, yet, not-quite-committed stage.
It’s common for women to feel pressure to get married while men are happy to be in an intimate relationship without the commitment of marriage. After all, they are comfortable and getting their physical needs met – why risk moving forward? Many men simply don’t understand the importance of going all the way emotionally, whereas a woman may feel that something is missing in a relationship if it does not end up in marriage. Marriage is the Holy Grail to many women in a relationship, as opposed to men who may make sex the priority.
This common roadblock can end an otherwise good relationship—a woman wants to get married and a man doesn’t want to take that step. How can couples resolve this issue and move forward into a mutually satisfying, long-term committed relationship—otherwise referred to as engagement and marriage? At some point the woman will make the mistake of passively accepting his position and denying her desire to get married, or she will demand that he marry her. Neither approach tends to work—men simply do not respond well to ultimatums. And, really, what’s the thrill in having a man give in to the pressure and agree to get married?
A marriage proposal should be joyful and free from conditions or obligation. It’s a want, a desire, our heart’s true choice. The good news is that there is a simple alternative to tossing around ultimatums or denying one’s need. A woman can move back to the intimate relationship stage, and share with him how she feels in a non-demanding way without blaming him. It’s important for men to feel as if they are the solution instead of the problem. Many times a man, when given the space and opportunity to solve the problem, will propose that they take the relationship to a higher level of commitment, but only after understanding how important it is to a woman.
Often this can be accomplished without either partner feeling as if the other is pulling back too suddenly and taking away a part of the relationship, or that they are being punished for moving too fast or not fast enough. Open communication and forgiveness are essential to feeling loved and respected through this crucial time.
If you want to talk to your partner about your feelings, the following things need to happen to create a good conversation:

* Talk at the right time
* Talk in the right place
* The right tone
* The right wordsWhen you approach a man about getting married, ideally you want to help him see your feelings and why getting married is important to you. If in your conversation you say things like, “I’m going to leave you if we don’t get engagged” or “If I’m not engaged in the next 6 months then this relationship is not going to work,” you run the risk of sounding like you’re giving him an ultimatium.
Are there times for ultmatiums? Absolutely. But ususally not the first time you talk about something!
For some, committing to anything is a scary concept. If you feel like your relationship should be progressing at a faster pace than it is, take comfort in knowing that often all that is needed is to share your feelings with your partner in a way that he is open to hearing – in his language, so to speak!
If you’re not sure how to craft this conversation, our coaches can help. A well contructed conversation, held at the right time and with the right words can do wonders to help you get closer to walking down the aisle.

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Why Is Your Wife Bored of Your Marriage Right Now?

Why Is Your Wife Bored of Your Marriage Right Now?

If you’re facing problems in your marriage right now, then you already know what it’s like dealing with a cold, distant wife who has no interest in talking to you or seeing you happy.
Or maybe she’s the other side of the spectrum, constantly finding something to be angry with you about? Either way, it’s not a good time for anyone involved. The question is…
What can you do to get your wife back?
Well, as you continue reading each word of the rest of this article, I’m going to be telling you what drives women away, why your attempts to get her back have so far been futile, and what you need to do to start getting your wife back today.
Sound good? Let’s go ahead and get started!
What Drives Women Away More Than Anything?
Boredom!
The fact of the matter is that when your wife feels bored, she will automatically assume that there’s something wrong in the relationship.
You can blame our crazy fast-paced 21st-century lifestyle, or you can blame feminism, or you can just blame yourself, but no matter who you blame, the fact remains that women and boredom do not mix very well at all.
And this isn’t just the type of boredom that you feel on a lazy Sunday afternoon…This is the type of boredom that makes you question your life’s choices, and wonder whether you could be doing something more. This type of boredom leads to a very potent “grass is greener on the other side” mentality, which can obviously have some very negative impact on your marriage.
Communication Becomes Inneffective; It Just Doesn’t Cut it Anymore
When you have minor marriage problems, they can most of the time be resolved through simple communication. Get everything out on the table, hash it out, kiss and make up (or maybe a little more than kiss?) and call it a day.
We talk about things, they get resolved, that’s just the way things work, right?
Well, not always.
When your wife is feeling bored, or there’s something else severely wrong with your marriage, communication stops being an effective problem-solving method. It’s not that she no longer listens to you or what you’re saying, it’s that simple words just can’t change her mind anymore.
This Is Why Marriage Counseling Frequently Doesn’t Work
Different marriage problems require different solutions, and marriage counseling is only one solution of the many available to you. However, many people turn straight marriage counseling in times of marital strife, when really this isn’t the best thing to do.
There is a reason that marriage counseling only has something like a 60% success rate, and it’s because there is a very ideal client for marriage counseling. Anyone else will generally get left by the wayside. When your wife is bored and communication has become ineffective, that is almost certainly one of those times.
Marriage counseling works best when both people clearly want to FIX the marriage, not when you’re the only one trying!
Attractions Speaks Louder Than Words
Do you like my play on words?
It’s times like this that you need something that is more powerful than simple communication. You need something that supersedes the boundaries of words to change the way your wife feels about your marriage and about you. You need to make her feel ATTRACTED to you once again.
When you can make your wife feel attracted to you, all of a sudden her thoughts of leaving will seem petty to her, and she will suddenly realize that she WANTS to stay in the marriage, and that she WANTS you.
The question is, how do you rebuild attraction?
Well, I know that I’ve left you with a couple questions here about how to get your wife back, but don’t worry! I have answers for you, too!
I’d like to start by recommending you to a free report that I put together for you… It will help you understand where your wife is coming from and hopefully give you some insights about how to turn your marriage around. Check it out:
Free Report – Are You a Good Husband?
Whatever your decide to do from here, I honestly wish you the best of luck.
Thanks for reading!

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Top Reasons Why Men Stay Single

Top Reasons Why Men Stay Single

It’s common nowadays that a few men choose to stay single for the rest of their lives. These men prefer being single because they can do anything they want. Furthermore, these men cherish their freedom so much, that marriage is only looked at as restricting their life. If you are thinking about the reasons why some guys are afraid of marriage, then the following can offer some answers to your question.
Loss of freedom
Most guys assume that marriage eliminates puts an end to their freedom. After all, being married means allotting one’s time to their spouse. The key ingredient in marriage is a sense of commitment and time shared with your significant other. As a result, married men feel as though they are no longer free of their life, unlike when he was still a bachelor. Additionally, marriage is synonymous with having kids, which completely minimizes his carefree lifestyle.
Afraid of living a monotonous life
Men tend to associate marriage with monotony since they most likely have committed family members who live a completely different lifestyle as when they were still unmarried. Because of this, some men can’t help but think that marriage can make their life less interesting.
Men want to enjoy their single life
For most guys, settling down is the last thing in their mind. While they can, guys want to maximize their freedom and only start having plans of getting kids and a family later on in their life.
Unsure about the right time to marry
Before you contemplate getting married, you need to see the right time to get married. You should be knowledgeable enough to know what you are getting into. It is also necessary that you know what your responsibilities are, and you should be ready to fulfill it.
He may feel that the timing isn’t good.
Persisting Fights
If there have been quarrels that have been persisting in your history together, guys can be scared of matrimony because inside they suppose that these concerns can come up at any time. In addition he could be judging your problem solving skills, and consider that if you as a couple couldn’t resolve these quarrels in the past, they will only get larger in marriage.
It’s a fact that some guys just don’t like change
Some individuals simply hate change. This is common among those who are complacent with their existing lifestyle. Unfortunately, marriage creates huge changes that can be quite uncomfortable to some.
Less priority on monogamy
There are men who prioritize being with a number of women in their life instead of practicing monogamy. With this in mind, having one wife can hamper their interest in those women.
Men tend to believe what others tell them
Some men are taught from other people that marriage can put an end to their carefree living. So, they fear marriage just because of what they hear from others.
The wife may take so much more than what she will provide you with
In certain instances, men assume that their soon-to-be wife may end up taking more from the relationship than what they offer. Because of this strange concept, men become even more scared of sticking in a relationship.
Afraid of commitment and accountability
In marriage, more responsibility and commitment take place. There is also a lot of positive, but guys don’t think about that though, men are only focused on the negative. This is a big adjustment from being an individual, and the thought of that adjustment can shock guys.
Failure to make their relationships successful
Everyone knows that almost half of marriages end up in divorce. When couples separate, it can frighten people who witnessed it into believing that marriage is too difficult. This could make him afraid that he will fail also. Some men decide to play the field because they don’t wish to experience the hard times they witnessed in other divorces.
Doesn’t know how to make married life joyful
Since some guys readily believe what their friends tell them about the kind of life marriage has in store for them, they become unsure about living a quality married life. Thus, most guys avoid getting married.
There are men who are just plain selfish and hate to take risks
It is possible that some were smart enough to understand that it takes a lot of work to make a marriage, which is something they are afraid of. Unfortunately, there are guys who are not up for this challenge. So, they decide to pursue an easier path by staying a bachelor for years.
Fear of losing control of their life
The thing about some guys is that managing their own future is something they are afraid to let go of. Since being married means losing one’s freedom to think for him only, the idea of being married is almost like losing control of one’s life. This is an unfamiliar world to most men, which gives them more reasons to go against marriage.
What Happens Now?
Men are not interested with getting married for numerous reasons. By understanding these reasons, you can determine and try to understand your man better. You may also understand a solution to help him become more at ease with being in a serious commitment.
More Interesting Articles:
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“>Issues Couples Confront
The Women Men Adore and Never Want to Leave

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The Independent Woman vs the Married Woman

The Independent Woman vs the Married Woman

Is it still possible to have an independent spirit as a married woman? Is it even acceptable? My sister and I grew up in a single family household with our mom, Queen of Independence, who taught us to be self sufficient – financially, emotionally, spiritually. It was about survival and knowing that the one person that always had your back was Y-O-U. Don’t misunderstand, my mom wasn’t preaching don’t rely on anyone or ask for help but rather her motherly purpose was to ensure that her girls could stand on their own two feet. Her expectations were for us to be our own person, our own woman with our own thoughts, opinions, drive and voice. I have to say, mission accomplished.
My independence is deep rooted and is evident in my habits, the way I speak, how I make decisions and I have to admit, it often feels like a defense mechanisms for me. No one can tell me who I am, what I can and can’t do, how to live my life, etc. But as a wife, is this mindset still acceptable? Can it now cause more harm than empowerment? When you become a wife, are you to set aside your natural independence tendencies?
Even in a shacking-up situation, it is still acceptable to keep your independent ways. After all, you are technically (& legally) still single. You live under the same roof but the money that you earn is yours. You pay your bills. Your Honey pays his. You were able to make decisions about your life and career that were in your best interest, not necessarily feeling the requirement to consult your Guy or if you did, his two-cents didn’t carry much weight. You had to do what was right for you.
I would challenge us in our married life to release some of that independence mindset. To quote The Color Purple, You’s married now. The rule of live & let live no longer applies. Marriage plays by a different set of rules. Me is now We.
Here are 3 independent mindset philosophies that are critical to a successful marriage:
1. You don’t have to do it all yourself. You have a partner now who is equally capable and responsible to make decisions with you about your life, your money, your career, your future.
2. Receive and let in the power of partnership. Don’t be afraid to allow your Hubby to help, even with the small things. We can often feel like we need to DO it all. And the truth is that we don’t have to. This mentality can lead to a feeling of loneliness in your marriage and to you believing that your Guy doesn’t pull his weight. Don’t wait for him to ask if you need help, just put it out there…tell him directly. Release the need to DO it all alone.
3. Your way isn’t necessarily the right way or the best direction for your family. As independent women, we can take on the airs that what we say is golden…it’s the law and any other way or viewpoint just won’t work. WRONG. When you are married, it is less about who is right or wrong and more about making the best decision for your family. And you may not have all the right answers. Thank goodness that you have someone who is there to offer another way to look at the situation, give a fresh & different perspective and who has you and your family’s best interest at heart.
Let me be clear. I don’t believe that we have to give up all of our independence as a married woman. We came into this world alone and we will leave it the same way. You will always know what’s best for Y-O-U. Letting your partner share in that decision doesn’t mean that you dismiss that. You need to be actively participating in your life together with your Honey. No one person should make all the decisions about budgeting, how the kids are raised, etc. But getting married shouldn’t mean that you lose your identity as your unique, beautiful and capable self.
So, I ask you, beautiful independent woman, wife, mother, career professional – Should your independence take a back seat once you become a wife or is it part of who you are as an individual? Share your thoughts below.

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To Be Happy You May Want A Wife Led Relationship

To Be Happy You May Want A Wife Led Relationship

There are a few men who prefer to have a wife led relationship. For those men it is exhilarating to have the wife be in complete control of the relationship and the dominate person. This runs the gamut from letting the wife make most of the decisions to letting her have complete control and being submissive to her. Not all of the men who want a wife led relationship like to be truly submissive but merely prefer a lesser role in the marriage.

To what degree you end up in a wife led relationship of your own choosing is based on both of your preferences. You may simply let your wife do the checkbook and handle the most major financial decisions. You will have to discuss it with your wife because it could become a burden if she really does not want the largest share of the control in the marriage.

Rather than feeling like she’s lucky to have control, she might feel that you are pushing off unpleasant decisions and jobs onto her. Be sure to balance it by taking over things that she doesn’t like to do. This type of marriage is wife led in the sense that she has the major amount of control, but not all of it.

A popular fantasy for many men, who don’t have it, is to have a truly wife led relationship. They become quite submissive to the wife in everything. They do the chores and anything else she asks him to do. Serving their wife in this way pleases them a great deal.

The submissiveness even carries over to their sex lives. In fact, that’s the big appeal for many men in having this type of relationship. They secretly want to be dominated sexually, and the rest just adds to that appeal. The psychological reason for this may vary but there certainly is no harm in it if both partners communicate what it is they want, and both agree.

In a true wife led relationship, the man knows that his wife has authority over him. He does the chores and tries to anticipate her every need. She doesn’t thank him, but may tell him he’s doing a good job. When it comes to sex, the man is only allowed as much pleasure as the woman feels like letting him have. Not allowing him to have an orgasm, or delaying it, is something these men find enjoyable

A relationship of this type is not for everyone, but many men feel happiest when their wife has control. And while it might sound like the woman has it made in a wife led relationship, it’s not always easy for her either. If a woman has been raised believing in the typical roles of husband and wife, suddenly being asked to take charge of everything can be daunting. Granted, the housework and other chores will probably be done by the man, but the handling of the big decisions, finances and other things might be a new experience.

Many women enjoy it for awhile but get tired of it. However if the man really wants that kind of life there may have to be compromises. Perhaps there can be certain days where the wife takes control but on other days the man takes control.

If you want this kind of life with your wife but aren’t sure how to discuss it with her, try writing your feelings and wants down, and then discuss them with her. You could also simply begin allowing her to lead the relationship gradually and later asking her if it is something she likes.

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The Three ‘Magic’ Questions To Save Your Marriage

The Three ‘Magic’ Questions To Save Your Marriage

For years, as a Pastor and counselor, I’ve had to figure out how to save someone’s marriage. Here is a short formula that I use to find out where the problems may truly lie, and knowing them, I can recommend a plan on what needs to be done to fix the broken relationship. You can follow it for yourself right now.
This process is best done with an impartial third party, whose sole interest is your marriage, not taking sides. However, if there is no one to do that, the couple could follow this procedure separately and then trade results. I’m not sure this will work well, but at the very least it will allow you to identify the problems in your marriage.
Knowing where the problems are is the key to knowing what you need to work on. This procedure is not designed to be a reflection of the truth. Oh no, but rather to reveal the problems as you and your spouse see them. The truth and how we see the truth is rarely the same thing. More often than not, we must deal with our perceptions in order to fix the problem. The truth always takes care of itself.
STEP 1 – RATE YOUR MARRIAGE
The purpose of this is to get a general sense of who sees the problem as the greatest. Every problem must be solved from the perspective of the person who sees it as the worst. If you don’t tackle it from that perspective, someone will feel that the problem isn’t being addressed properly. Nothing will be solved. So, take a piece of paper and write your name at the top of it. In one of the corners, draw a box and write a number between 0-10 in it. 0 is hell on earth, and 10 is heaven on earth.
Usually, it will be the wife who rates the marriage worse than her husband. If this is true, then, hubby, you need to realize that in order to solve the problems in the relationship you may have to acknowledge that the problem is greater than you were willing to believe.
STEP 2 – WRITE DOWN THE ANSWERS TO THREE QUESTIONS
These three questions are designed to get you to examine the relationship in its entirety, not just from a platform of anger or frustration. Answer them honestly and objectively. Write the questions down on the piece of paper and leave space for your answers.
Question #1 – If you could change anything about your spouse, what are the two most important things you would change right now?
Question #2 – If you could change anything about yourself, what are the two most important things you would want to change right now?
Question #3 – If your spouse could change anything about you, what are the two most important things you think he/she would want to change right now?
The answers to these questions give you a fairly general idea of where you see the problems in your marriage to be. This is important. If you use a pastor or counselor, giving him the results of these questions will enable him to see both sides of the picture. If you swap results and are able to look at your spouse’s responses objectively, you may begin to see what needs to be done to fix your marriage.
These results tell me several things out the couple in question:
Do they know what is most important to each other? Or are they oblivious to the other’s perception of the issues?
How much weight they give to their own side of the problem versus the problems with their mate.
What issues are most important and to whom.
Are they willing to be introspective as well as critical of their mate?
How well they understand the nature of the problems.
Depending on the responses, I can glean a lot of other information as well. With these three questions, I’m able to at least figure out what areas need to be addressed in a relationship. I also cut out a lot of accusation, yelling, and arguing.
STEP 3 – WRITE DOWN A LIST OF THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURS SPOUSE
This is essential. It is important to find out if you have the ability to take your eyes off of the issues and problems and realize that there are some good things about the person you married. Draw a line underneath the three questions and write out a list of positive things about your spouse. So many times we become fixated on the problems and all the good that a person is becomes smothered. The ability to recognize the good in the other also demonstrates a wiliness to try and fix the problems.
If someone says, “I can’t think of anything good.” Then we have a real problem. This person is trying to get out of the marriage or is so hurt that they want to run. Either way, it’s not a good sign. Also, many couples after dealing with problems in their marriage have no idea what things they are doing that the other person likes. It is important to know these things! Follow these three simple steps and you’ll have a basic idea of what you need to do to fix your marriage.

Articles Divorce Marriage Tips

Time To Consider A Trial Separation To Save Your Marriage?

Time To Consider A Trial Separation To Save Your Marriage?

A trial separation may allow the partner who wants the divorce to experience some of the feelings of being separated without making a final decision to divorce. The main benefit of a trial separation, of course, is that it’s easily reversible. You can try it for a while, go through therapy, and after that reconcile, or else you can try separation for a while, decide you like it – and therefore proceed with divorce.

There are two ways you and your spouse can separate: Either with an informal separation or by a formal officially authorized separation.

An informal separation is basically whatever the two of you decide it to be. Typically, one of you stays in the residence you had previously shared, and the other moves into some other quarters. At this stage you normally wouldn’t make any formal property division, but you would come to an agreement, informally, on some kind of working agreement about possession of things like cars, the bank accounts, the credit cards, and the stereo.

A formal legal separation is more lasting, more complicated, and more expensive. It’s also much less common. It’s nearly as expensive as a divorce – sometimes more so, because it’s less unusual – so you may have to pay your lawyer to figure out how to do everything. And often people who get a formal legal separation wind up having to go through all the pain, time, and expense again later to get an actual divorce.

So why, I hear you ask, would anyone go through a formal legal separation? Maybe for the reason that some states require that a couple seeking a divorce have been separated for some space of time. Also, some couples need to remain officially married, perhaps so one can continue to be insured for medical or other purposes by the other’s company. Official legal separation makes this possible.

Occasionally, there is no question that the pair is moving in the direction of divorce, but know it will take some time to work everything out. If their incomes are substantially diverse, it may be worth approving on a written separation agreement; that way the person paying any maintenance can deduct it on his or her tax return. The paying spouse might be able to reimburse the receiving spouse more than enough to pay the tax on the alimony, and still come out ahead. Sometimes one of the spouses has a religious objection to divorce. A formal separation will allow the spouses to remain officially married even as they live separate lives.

Outside that, there may not be much of a reason to go through the time, torture, and expense of a formal legal separation. Better perhaps to agree to reach a working arrangement for an informal separation. You can then follow it up directly with either reconciliation or divorce.

So, can separation save a marriage – that is the question. A number of people emphatically resist separation, thus adding even more stress into an already tense marriage. Perhaps separation may be the best option for some marriages, despite the threatening shadow of divorce, as living together is clearly is not working. However, can you make it work from a distance? A trial separation will go a long way in helping you decide the answer.

Why? Because couples who separate tend to find that without the constant day by day conflict and squabbling the lack of proximity to their spouse provides time to think, and solve problems. Marital problems are often hard to resolve as they often get hindered by egos, fear and stubbornness. Resolution can flourish as long as at least one partner is willing to keep trying; if the urge to always be right and not back down remains then it probably means that the separation will end in divorce.

It is therefore strongly recommended that you at least give trial separation a try. If only for the sake of trying to save your marriage.

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Tips Worth Studying Before Reuniting With An Ex Spouse

Tips Worth Studying Before Reuniting With An Ex Spouse

Your marriage could have hit some rough patches, and now you and your partner are not as one any longer, but you soon notice that breaking up with your ex wife or ex husband was the wrong thing for you to do. Such a situation places you in a big dilemma particularly if you have no clue tips on how to win back your previous husband or ex wife. Thankfully enough, you can start by first figuring out if it’s even plausible to get back as one with your previous spouse.

Here are a couple of issues that it is best to take into consideration when trying to determine how you can get back together with your previous spouse, and if you wish to reunite together. Take the time to carefully think through each and every one of them in order that you know that reuniting back as one with your ex husband or ex wife is the perfect thing for you to do.

Why Did You Break Up?

Confirming the reason as to why your marriage failed is an important thing you will need to do first before you even consider getting back your ex spouse. Occasionally, small issues that can simply be solved by just getting together and spending some time to resolve it by talking it out, could possibly be the reason for your breakup. If that’s the case, then winning back your previous partner should not be an enormous hurdle. But in case your breakup was caused by some huge and critical matter that makes getting back virtually impossible, then reuniting back would most likely not be the very best solution as for now.

What Is Your Purpose Behind Reuniting as one?

Is there an ok motive as to why you wish to get back as one with your ex spouse? Keep asking yourself that and see what kind of reason you’ll come up with. If the rationale you need your previous partner back does put anyone into harms way, then perhaps you shouldn’t desire to make up together with your ex spouse.

Consider Your Children

Did you have children with your previous partner? In the event you did, then it is vital to also think about them in case you intend to make up together with your ex spouse. Always keep in mind that the kids you have together with your ex partner shall be affected by whatever choices you make, so you can’t ignore them and do whatever you like.

Know the Significance of Communication

When you are making up together with your ex partner, you need to be certain that the both of you don’t have any problem communicating with one another. Give the time to sit down and discuss to one another about all the problems and potential solutions that you both have to take as a way to make certain that you can get back as one without any issues. Talking about these things can actually assist both of you to make a determination as to whether getting back together would be best for your loved ones or not.

Winning your previous spouse back to your side will be easy if you understand what you must do, what you have to look out for and what you have to avoid. But when you do decide to make up with your previous spouse, take the time to carefully think about it because it would very well be one of the most essential decisions you may ever make in your life.

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Spousal Abuse – 5 Clues for a Positive Outcome in Domestic Abuse Treatment

Spousal Abuse – 5 Clues for a Positive Outcome in Domestic Abuse Treatment

“Do you think my husband will/can change?” Spousal abuse survivors embarking on domestic abuse counseling ask this question. They want to know if I think their husbands will change. And the husbands secretly ask, “Will/can she change?”

Now, let’s face it, I don’t have a crystal ball but I can tell you what a good prognosis looks like. I can tell you how someone presents wherein the chances are in their favor for a positive outcome in domestic abuse treatment. And, I can tell you which prospective patients are not likely to embrace the therapeutic process and benefit from a domestic violence intervention.

Will Your Abusive Partner Change? There is a good possibility with appropriate domestic abuse treatment, IF…

1) Your partner evidences a pattern of battering behavior and he is aware (or somewhat conscious) of his attitudes and behavior—even though he may be mostly or partly in denial.

2) Your partner is highly motivated to maintain and/or restore the relationship with you and salvage the family. Further, he wants contact with his children and the stability of spousal co-parenting in the same home.

3) Your partner expresses a present readiness for personal and interpersonal change—even though he may begin the therapy insisting that you are part of the problem or you are “the primary problem.”

4) Your partner is NOT an individual with a clinically certifiable personality disorder, which is not to be confused with personality characteristics. (Caution: Do not diagnose your partner if you are not professionally licensed to do so…no matter how tempted you are or how much you have read on the Internet.)

5) Your partner does not have untreated substance abuse issues. That is…if there is substance abuse, there is a substance abuse treatment component underway.

Change for Abusive Relationships

If you can say yes to the above clues for positive results in domestic abuse treatment, you could be facing the prospect of a successful outcome in domestic abuse treatment. The only way you will know is to try an intervention. First you can inquire yourself and then learn how to inspire your partner’s participation in the therapeutic process.

The therapist will be in the best position to assess the five criteria accurately and let you know the prognosis for a positive outcome in domestic abuse treatment. If your partner shows signs of a poor prognosis, you will be in a better position to make appropriate choices for you and your family. In either case, this preliminary information will set you on a purposeful and productive path of breaking the cycle of family violence for you and your children.

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Support Between Husband And Wife – Solution To Save The Relationship

Support Between Husband And Wife – Solution To Save The Relationship

One of the huge benefits of marriage is support you obtain from your partner. One of you arrives home after a hard days work and you believe like nothing can make you smile again. Maybe you’ve wrecked the car and found out that the you forgot to renew the collision insurance. Or you had an disgusting spat with your boss. Or you just didn’t make the sale that you were hoping for so many weeks. But when you come home, all your anxieties are relieved upon seeing your partner; making you believe that in spite of all the troubles the day has brought, you are definite that everything will be all right again.

Coping with these situations alone would be almost too much, but with support and understanding from your spouse, the even the worst that could happen doesn’t appear so bad. You’re there for each other to kindle each other, inspire and solve problems together. Two heads are better than one as they say. It’s two times as powerful and grows stronger as each problem is hurdled. And as you give each other support, you enhance the bond that united you in marriage.

There is no question that happy marriages have become skilled in managing conflicts that occur in all marriages sooner or later. Conflicts and disagreements arise with regard to sex, finances, housework, infidelity and even cultural differences. Other issues couples encounter may be parenthood styles. Many marriages have been prone to domestic violence and problems with in-laws. When violence sets in you may have to judge if it will be worth it to save the relationship or not.

So, with all the support you attain from each other you might ask who supports the supporter? There are plenty of ways and sources you can obtain support for a marriage in trouble. But, a good time to begin asking for support is before trouble is evident and probably beyond restoring. Then it may be too late to save the relationship.

Seek assistance at once if you want to save the relationship you that is valuable to you. As in most early marriages finances may be a problem and you’ll have to obtain help as inexpensively as possible. Inexpensive but quality help can be found on line through ebooks and email. Conferences are held usually by several churches and organizations offering an one to three day seminar teaching how to solve marital problems. Many may be available in your home town but don’t be opposed to going to a conference out of town and make it a romantic getaway. Workshops and educational opportunities are also easy to find at local schools, colleges and other organizations. Your pastor or chamber of commerce could provide you with a list of upcoming classes on support for marriages for both husbands and wives.

These support groups educate you to overcome the past, get precisely what you want and need while creating ways of loving and understanding your spouse. One of the major problems in marriage is communication and how to undertake issues gently and softly. You’ll find out that generally it’s best to be gentle, mindful and adaptable and yield to the other person at times.

You’ll gain support in maintaining a positive approach, minimize agitation and foster real understanding. Obtain a positive view of your mate and your future. It is a wise marriage that seeks support. Get more free save therelationship advice

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Suspect Your Husband is Cheating? Uncover the Truth, Recover Your Marriage

Suspect Your Husband is Cheating? Uncover the Truth, Recover Your Marriage

Do you suddenly find yourself questioning your husband’s every move?
Has your husband been acting really weird recently, causing you to suspect whether or not he’s being faithful to you and your marriage?
Well ma’am, I’m sorry to say, but as it stands right now there’s less than a 25% chance that your husband is NOT cheating on you. That’s just plain ol’ statistics talking, there.
However, even though I’m sure that right now you’re feeling both confused and distraught, I urge you to keep your composure.
Coming at your husband guns blazing and throwing suspicions at him all over the place is NOT the way to handle this situation.
Nope, instead what I’d like to do in this article is talk to you about a few of the most common signs of cheating you’re likely to see when your husband is having an affair. This way you can move also be closer to its confirm your suspicions, and from there decide whether or not you want to take further action.
I’m hoping that after you’re done reading this article you realize that your husband is NOT cheating on you, but I guess we’ll just have to wait and see, won’t we?
Well, without further adieu, let’s discuss 3 signs of a cheating husband that you should know about.
3 Common Signs of a Cheating Husband
As I already said, just because your husband fits into one of these cheating signs doesn’t necessarily mean that he’s having an affair. If he fits into more than one, will you should probably be concerned, but not yet confrontational.
At the end of the article I’ll talk to you more about how you can get rock solid proof of cheating, but for right now let’s just talk about the signs, okay?
Sign #1) His Work Schedule is Much Heavier than it Used to Be
Did you know that workplace affairs are widely cited as the second most common type of infidelity? (First being online or virtual cheating)
I mean think about it, if you have a crush on someone that you’re spending 40 hours per week with, it’s going to take some pretty strong willpower to withstand hooking up, especially if you’re given the opportunity. In fact, in a recent study (2003, Vault Office Romance) it was found that 50% of all sampled employees have engaged in an extramarital relationship through their place of employment, and another 20% said that they would like to.
Those numbers certainly aren’t on your side.
So if you notice that your husband has been spending a couple extra hours at work one are two nights a week, go ahead and start taking note of when and where he says he’s going. Over time you may notice that he has a pattern, which could definitely point to an affair.
Sign #2) One of His Buddies Seems…Cold?
I’m not exactly sure how to explain this, but 9 times out of 10 you can learn a lot from examining the way that one of your spouse’s close friends interact with you. Many times they will give something away without even knowing it.
See, chances are that your husband is very used to lying to you by now.
This is good for him, but bad for us. So what we are going to do instead is look to someone who is not quite as used to lying to you for the signs of a cheating husband that we need.
A lot of times you can simply trust your gut on this one, if there’s a slightly weird vibe coming from one of your husband’s friends when he’s around you (or she), then make sure you make a note in the back of your mind.
Sign #3) He Changes his Email Password, or Stops Sharing it With You
Has your husband recently started clamming up when it comes to emails and his e-mail account in general?
Perhaps you discover that he’s open up a new e-mail account without telling you about it?
As I said before, online infidelity is the most common type of cheating that there is right now. In fact, in a a 2009 survey of divorce attorneys (maybe 2010, I’m not sure) it was found that over 30% of all divorces are caused by Internet cheating.
That means 1/3 all marriages in the U.S. will end because one spouse or the other decided to hook up with someone online, or perform some other type of Internet based infidelity.
What I’m saying with all this is that you should not take it lightly at all if your husband is acting suspicious on the computer. There is almost 100% guaranteed to be something that he is hiding from you.
Obviously this might not be something that you can check, but there are tools out there that allow you to do so easily and quickly. But I don’t want to talk about that in this particular article.
Getting Proof and Beyond
As you may have noticed throughout this article I’ve talked to you a lot about taking note of any signs of cheating that you notice. I’m not telling you to go out and confront your husband tonight, I’m telling you to study, observe, and hypothesize.
In order to catch your husband’s affair you’re going to need to be cold, calculating and sneaky. Trust me, he’s doing the same thing to you.
Listen, I know that you’ve probably still got quite a few questions for me, and don’t worry, that’s normal.
However, I’m not going to write an entire eBook here, so what I’d like to do instead is recommend you to some of my other resources.
Resource Box:
First, if you’d like to learn more about what your husband is doing behind your back, I highly recommend this free, in depth article on signs of a cheating husband.
However, if you’re ready to get rock solid proof of cheating and would like to learn as much as possible about how to do so, then you’ll need all the FREE resources I provide on my affair-help blog: http://SignsCheating.com
Stop stalling, stop feeling sorry for yourself, just start moving forward. That’s the best that you can do right now.
Whenever you do from here, I wish you the absolute best of luck!

Articles Marriage Tips

Relationship- Teen Marriages

Relationship- Teen Marriages

Young teens are getting married because they feel that they cannot do without each other.
This is what is happening to many families lately and parents feel they have no choice but to go along with it.
Teen are growing up very fast and they may not have the skills to make it happen.
Becoming pregnant
Some teens are having sex at an early age of 12 and are becoming pregnant and having kids.
Imagine kids having kids and many of them are having difficulty in taking responsibility for raising their children they are depending on their parents to help with buying food, rent, clothing and diapers for their children.
Government for assistance
Some are depending on the government for assistance to get the basic needs met.
Moving from one parental aide to another is government for assistance for a young adult.
Verbal and physical abuse
Some teen marriages are toxic relationship with verbal and physical abuse with each other.
Many teen have learnt how to verbally abuse their partner from their relationship with their parents and are bringing this into their new marriage.
Responsibility
The kids of the teens do not have a time schedule of eating or going to bed, and sometimes the parents want to hang out with friends and not take their responsibility serious.
For some they have difficulties making their priorities clear and continue to do things as if they are still single.
Young teen’s brain is still maturing and they are working through the different steps of growth such as dealing with rebellion and taking responsibility to maintain a job and to budget their finances.
The stage is rebellion
Sometimes teens do not like to listen to their parents and feel they know more than their parents and this is a stage of their development.
The stage is rebellion, it is a stage that many teen go through for them to break away from their parents and create a new identity for themselves, and this stage is similar to the two year old saying no.
Dealing with problems
Many teen do not want to be told what to do as they make their way to adulthood because they have had a lot from their parents and what they need is someone to be their for them any time they need help in dealing with some problems and not someone telling them what to do for that keeps them away from you.
To help teen who wants to get marry is to help them with different scenario (role playing) before it happens as a way of preparing them, one such example would be about communication, another, goal setting for short and long term goal, dealing with problems and how to deal with disagreement and come back on track.
To help young teen who chooses to get marry is to have a short and long term goals and a mentor to give them guidance to deal with the different problems that will come up.
Conclusion: Most teen marriages may not all last because their brains are still growing and they have not enough experience in life and the choices out there for them to make a decision to get marry.