Articles Marriage Tips

Will Marriage Counseling Get Your Wife Back?

Will Marriage Counseling Get Your Wife Back?

“Does marriage counseling work? My wife and I have tried seeing a marriage counselor for the past few weeks, but it doesn’t seem like it’s doing anything…What am I doing wrong?”
If you’re like many of the lost and confused husbands in the 21st century, then you have already tried the most commonly prescribed solution to any marriage problem, i.e. marriage counseling.
I don’t know when it became such common practice, but somehow the go-to solution for any and all problems that could plague a marriage (separation, loss of passion, divorce, infidelity, lack of communication, etc.), the most prominent and widely advice that you’re going to get is “have you tried marriage counseling?”
You would think that such a booming and reputable industry would be so highly recommended because of its high success rate, right? In other words, marriage counseling is so popular because it has a history of legitimately fixing the marriage problems that plague so many relationships these days, right?
Wrong!
Did you know that…
Marriage Counseling has the Highest Failure Rate of Any Therapy
Yup, marriage counseling and marriage counselors have the lowest success rate of any other counseling or therapy related field.
So, does marriage counseling work? I would say ‘not even close’.
* Drug addicts in rehab have a higher success rate than marriage counselors
* Alcoholics in AA have a higher success rate than marriage counselors
* Anger management therapy has a higher success rate than marriage counselors
* Even the prison counseling programs for murderers, rapists and other criminals have a higher success rate than marriage counseling
You would think that for up to $200 per hour there’d be some sort of guarantee that you’d see results in your marriage, but this is absolutely not the case. Marriage counseling DOES NOT WORK for most couples, and marriage counseling success rates are surprisingly low (less than 25%).
There is a type of couple that can benefit from marriage and family counseling, but it is the exception, not the rule. Most marriage counselors don’t effectively address the true issues that are leaving you and your wife ‘unfulfilled in our marriage’.
Does Marriage Counseling Work? Do We Have the Highest Divorce Rates, Ever?
Admittedly, according to recent statistics, the divorce rate in America has finally come to somewhat of a plateau in the past couple years because less people are getting married, so there are less couples to divorce.
But still, in the past 10 – 25 years divorce rates have sky rocketed, and I want you to really think about this for a minute… Doesn’t it seem strange that the rise in divorce rates correlates almost directly with the thriving marriage counseling industry? Some might argue that this makes sense because more divorces need more marriage counseling, but what if the true source of the problem wasn’t actually divorce, but the total ineffectiveness, even counter-productivity, of marriage counseling?
I’ll tell you an example of this – My own parents are divorced. They were married for over 20 years, and they tried everything in the book to save their marriage. They tried not one, not two, not three, not four, but FIVE different marriage counselors over the course of 10 YEARS, and not a single one of them did anything to save their marriage.
In fact, the marriage only ever got worse because my parents became frustrated with their lack of progress, and that frustration led to even more problems in the marriage.
In other words, marriage counseling added fuel to the fire, and it poisoned my parents’ marriage.
Now, I’m not saying that all marriage counselors are complete quacks, but a surprising amount of them are. Their marriage counseling methods and techniques are based on theory, conjecture and textbooks, not actual romantic or human experience or even on successful marriages.
Many Marriage Therapists Lack Proven or Relevant Experience
This could probably be said about many therapy related fields, but I feel that it is especially true in marriage counseling. I know of multiple marriage counselors who have actually gone through a divorce, but continue to teach others how to fix their marriage. Clearly these people have no idea what actually works if they can’t even save their own marriage, so why would you trust them to save yours?
Again, I don’t want to make any overly broad generalizations here, but I do feel like the marriage counseling field has become equivalent with divorce attorneys…It’s just one more cog in the machine leading to the simultaneous degradation and capitalization of marriage in America. I mean, from a price standpoint they’re both expensive… It will run you about $400 for an hour to talk on the phone with a divorce attorney, and a single marriage counseling session will usually cost you at least $100, and more for a ‘good’ one.
These are people that know you’re desperate and are willing to take advantage of that are their own gain.
Think about it, if you were truly passionate about helping people and saving marriages, would you demand $300 per session for something that you haven’t even seen consistently yield results? I’m not saying it’s morally wrong to charge a lot of money for your services, but when there’s so much money involved it’s only natural to question true motives, especially without results to justify a high price.
Think about it, most marriage counselors recommend at least 10 sessions to see results in your marriage, which means you’re dropping $1,000 to $2,000 on totally unproven techniques and strategies.
Which brings me to the implied second part of our original question…Does marriage counseling work, and why or why not?
And to me, this is what seems to be the reason most marriage counselors fail:
Most Marriage Counselors Have Been Trained To Analyze Problems, Not Create Solutions
This is what I really think it comes down to… Everything that your average marriage counselor has learned, and in turn everything they teach you, was very likely written by a psychologist.
All those things that your marriage counselor tells you…
* “Just keep working at it”…
* “Communication is the key”…
* “Be more open with each other”…
* “Start having intimacy time”…
* “Date nights are the answer”…
* “Make her feel loved”…
All of those things are written in some text book somewhere and that textbook was written by a psychologist. These are things that women think they want, and they do when everything is already perfect, but they will NOT save your marriage.
These are all things you should be doing when your marriage is thriving, more like characteristics of a successful marriage than actual techniques to fix a broken one.
But You Can Clearly See Their Train of Thought…
A good marriage has open communication, right? So it ‘makes sense’ that to fix a broken marriage you should develop open communication, right?
A good marriage has spouses who enjoy intimacy time with each other, right? So, it ‘makes sense’ to say that if you force intimacy time you’ll fix your marriage, right?
But marriage isn’t backwards compatible like that…It doesn’t work because these logical solutions are NOT going to work when there is no feelings of attraction or emotional fondness behind them. So even if you’re going through the motions correctly, there is no guarantee that you will actually fix your marriage.
In fact, if anything you’re almost guaranteed to make it worse, because you’ll remind your wife how bad things have to be that she can’t feel ANYTHING even when you’re apparently trying so hard.
Remember, attraction is the ONLY thing that will save your marriage. Without attraction there is no emotional incentive driving your wife to come back to you…Logic, reason, counseling, courses, books, rational techniques and perseverance will not save your marriage. Feelings, emotion and passion will.
So, does couples counseling work? Does marriage counseling work? I suppose I should let your own experiences give you the definitive answer, but from all of my own experience I would say that you’re better off trying to fix things on your own than with a counselor.

Articles Marriage Tips

What Happens At A Jewish Wedding

What Happens At A Jewish Wedding

The standard Hebrew wedding ceremony ceremonies begin with the bride and groom signing a marriage contract, referred to as the Ketubah. The settlement, which once assured the bride’s legal status, states the expectations and duties of the couple as soon as they’re married. This beautiful, ornate document shall be framed and displayed within the couples’ home. After the couples have signed the Ketubah, the groom lowers his bride’s wedding veil after studying her face. This wedding ceremony customized recollects the biblical story of Jacob, who married the mistaken woman when she coated her face with a veil. read more

Articles Love In General

Top Reasons Why Men Stay Single

Top Reasons Why Men Stay Single

It’s common nowadays that a few men choose to stay single for the rest of their lives. These men prefer being single because they can do anything they want. Furthermore, these men cherish their freedom so much, that marriage is only looked at as restricting their life. If you are thinking about the reasons why some guys are afraid of marriage, then the following can offer some answers to your question.
Loss of freedom
Most guys assume that marriage eliminates puts an end to their freedom. After all, being married means allotting one’s time to their spouse. The key ingredient in marriage is a sense of commitment and time shared with your significant other. As a result, married men feel as though they are no longer free of their life, unlike when he was still a bachelor. Additionally, marriage is synonymous with having kids, which completely minimizes his carefree lifestyle.
Afraid of living a monotonous life
Men tend to associate marriage with monotony since they most likely have committed family members who live a completely different lifestyle as when they were still unmarried. Because of this, some men can’t help but think that marriage can make their life less interesting.
Men want to enjoy their single life
For most guys, settling down is the last thing in their mind. While they can, guys want to maximize their freedom and only start having plans of getting kids and a family later on in their life.
Unsure about the right time to marry
Before you contemplate getting married, you need to see the right time to get married. You should be knowledgeable enough to know what you are getting into. It is also necessary that you know what your responsibilities are, and you should be ready to fulfill it.
He may feel that the timing isn’t good.
Persisting Fights
If there have been quarrels that have been persisting in your history together, guys can be scared of matrimony because inside they suppose that these concerns can come up at any time. In addition he could be judging your problem solving skills, and consider that if you as a couple couldn’t resolve these quarrels in the past, they will only get larger in marriage.
It’s a fact that some guys just don’t like change
Some individuals simply hate change. This is common among those who are complacent with their existing lifestyle. Unfortunately, marriage creates huge changes that can be quite uncomfortable to some.
Less priority on monogamy
There are men who prioritize being with a number of women in their life instead of practicing monogamy. With this in mind, having one wife can hamper their interest in those women.
Men tend to believe what others tell them
Some men are taught from other people that marriage can put an end to their carefree living. So, they fear marriage just because of what they hear from others.
The wife may take so much more than what she will provide you with
In certain instances, men assume that their soon-to-be wife may end up taking more from the relationship than what they offer. Because of this strange concept, men become even more scared of sticking in a relationship.
Afraid of commitment and accountability
In marriage, more responsibility and commitment take place. There is also a lot of positive, but guys don’t think about that though, men are only focused on the negative. This is a big adjustment from being an individual, and the thought of that adjustment can shock guys.
Failure to make their relationships successful
Everyone knows that almost half of marriages end up in divorce. When couples separate, it can frighten people who witnessed it into believing that marriage is too difficult. This could make him afraid that he will fail also. Some men decide to play the field because they don’t wish to experience the hard times they witnessed in other divorces.
Doesn’t know how to make married life joyful
Since some guys readily believe what their friends tell them about the kind of life marriage has in store for them, they become unsure about living a quality married life. Thus, most guys avoid getting married.
There are men who are just plain selfish and hate to take risks
It is possible that some were smart enough to understand that it takes a lot of work to make a marriage, which is something they are afraid of. Unfortunately, there are guys who are not up for this challenge. So, they decide to pursue an easier path by staying a bachelor for years.
Fear of losing control of their life
The thing about some guys is that managing their own future is something they are afraid to let go of. Since being married means losing one’s freedom to think for him only, the idea of being married is almost like losing control of one’s life. This is an unfamiliar world to most men, which gives them more reasons to go against marriage.
What Happens Now?
Men are not interested with getting married for numerous reasons. By understanding these reasons, you can determine and try to understand your man better. You may also understand a solution to help him become more at ease with being in a serious commitment.
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“>Issues Couples Confront
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Articles Divorce

The Role of the Rebound After Divorce

The Role of the “Rebound” After Divorce

Do you know what a rebounder is? This is the term often used for the first man or woman you date after going through a divorce or the break-up of a serious dating relationship. Often a rebound relationship will occur very quickly after the divorce, or perhaps while the divorce process is still ongoing. The idea behind the term is that you are bounding back into the dating scene but aren’t actually ready for a committed relationship again.
There is a lot of legitimacy to the term “rebound relationship” because most relationships entered right after a divorce or break-up do not last in the long term. Most times these relationships actually last for just a few weeks or possibly a couple months.
After that period of time it becomes very obvious to the other person that the new divorcee is not ready for a serious commitment, or other aspects of the relationship just don’t work for this underlying reason. It is even common for two people newly released from long term commitments to find one another shortly after and use one another to get through the most painful nights of the break up process.
Is This Good?
rebound relationships definitely serve their purpose and they don’t all have to be bad. The trick is to recognize what the relationship is when you first consider going into it and then being brutally honest about what you are, and are not, looking for.
The biggest danger with a rebound relationship is that the other person could be under the impression that you are serious about a future with them. If you have just gone through a divorce, chances are high that it’s going to be some time before you resolve your lingering emotions and issues from that relationship, and find yourself ready for another serious commitment.
In order to have a healthy rebound relationship you have to be very honest with where you are in your life. You don’t need to spill your entire history and all your private business on a first date, but as soon as you realize you will be spending more time with this person or entering a dating relationship or sexual relationship with them, you have to open up and make sure they know that you aren’t ready to commit or say “I do” again.
It is comforting to have someone to spend time with while you are going through the loneliness and other painful emotions of divorce. If you can find someone who you can enjoy spending time with and who gives you companionship and perhaps an open ear to help you sort through problems, then you could have a healthy relationship after divorce without it being a serious commitment.
It is difficult for most people to find such a relationship because there has to be something in it for both parties. For you it’s about companionship and dulling the pain, but the other person has to be getting something that fulfills them as well. If they are looking for a serious relationship, and you are not, then a rebound relationship with someone who is newly divorced is not going to be fulfilling.
You have to be aware of rebound relationships so that you can recognize it for what it is when it does happen. This way you can give some warning and make sure the other person is on the same page as you.

Articles Marriage Tips

Mother Of The Bride: Help Or Hindrance?

Mother Of The Bride: Help Or Hindrance?

Family is the springboard from where you launch yourself on the world and mother/daughter relationships are key. It practically goes without saying that relations between you and your Mum are going to have an impact on your life and whether the relationship is positive or a bit of a challenge, this can come to the fore when you are planning your wedding day. So what are the blessings and what are the things to work around when you’re engaged and ready to start planning?! read more

Articles Marriage Tips

How to Keep Jealousy from Destroying Your Relationship

How to Keep Jealousy from Destroying Your Relationship

Jealousy has often been called the green-eyed monster, and with good reason. The monster is fueled by envy and can over time devour the trust and harmony in a relationship.
According to B.C. Forbes, Jealousy…is a mental cancer. It spreads quickly and can be fatal to a relationship. Once it gets a foothold, the jealous partner becomes even more jealous, often over insignificant things.
When we’re jealous, we’re in a state of dissatisfaction with ourselves. Jealousy brings out the worst in us and causes us to resent someone else for having what we think we don’t have—looks, charm, money, prestige, romance, charisma, success. When we’re jealous, whatever measuring stick we use makes us feel lacking and less than.
Fear is also involved when we feel jealous—fear that we’ll never have what the other person has, fear that we’re not as good as someone else, fear of losing our partner to another, fear that we’re not attractive or desired, and fear of being ridiculed. When we’re jealous, we feel insecure and lack self-esteem.
A counseling client once shared that he was being torn apart by jealousy. Whenever his wife was even a few minutes late, he visualized her stopping to flirt with someone in the grocery store or became convinced that she was using the time to secretly call another man.
His rational mind knew that there was nothing to base these anxieties on, but he was unable to stop his worst scenario fantasies. Ironically, his jealousy had become so unbearable for his wife that she did eventually turn her affections toward someone else. The client’s inability to control his jealousy brought about the very thing he was afraid would happen.
For a relationship to be healthy, there has to be trust, and jealousy undermines that trust. The following seven tips will help you keep jealousy from undermining your relationship with your mate:
1. When you first notice that you’re feeling jealous, immediately try to identify what insecurity or fear is being triggered. Is it a fear of abandonment? A fear that you don’t measure up? When insecurities or fears are activated, you’re more likely to overreact in a way that could hurt your relationship.
2. Instead of focusing on the behavior that you want your partner to stop so that you won’t feel the uncomfortable pangs of jealousy, examine your self-talk. Are you telling yourself, My mate shouldn’t be flirting with him like that? You can change how you feel by changing what you tell yourself about the situation.
3. Take a close look at your past history. Did one of your parents cheat on the other one? Or did you cheat on a partner in the past? If so, it is likely that you are projecting your past experiences and feelings on to your present partner. Try to keep the past separate from the present.
4. Do a reality check. Instead of getting upset about the future scenario your mind has jumped to, list what exact behaviors you’re upset about. Your list might read, My partner talked to a handsome bachelor when we were at our friend’s party. She smiled, laughed, and looked like she was having a good time. Remind yourself that this is not unusual party behavior.
5. Stay rooted in the present moment, and reel in your imagination. You don’t want to damage your relationship by accusing your mate of something he or she didn’t do. Besides harming the trust and harmony of your relationship, if you routinely accuse your partner of imaginary transgressions, you could end up pushing him or her into the very behavior you’re zeroing in on.
6. Think before you speak. Notice the difference in the two following approaches: A) I felt neglected last night at the party when you never spent any time with me. I was starting to feel jealous, and I don’t like that feeling. I need to talk with you about this. or B) I am so sick of you always flirting with every man in sight when we go to a party. People are going to think you’re nothing but a tramp. Think about which approach will be most likely to result in a meaningful discussion.
7. Remind yourself that your partner has chosen to be with you, so he or she finds you and your qualities attractive. Also remember that confidence and self-respect is attractive to others. When you throw a jealous fit, you appear insecure and needy. If you feel yourself being ambushed by jealousy, excuse yourself for a few minutes and take several deep breaths to re-center yourself.