Categories
Articles Divorce Marriage Tips

When Is a Marriage Beyond Help?

One time in a land far away a client asked me if I could help her save her 15-year marriage.

Her husband was threatening to leave her, was stonewalling and was generally emotionally cold, but she said he was willing to see me. I worked with him for several months, and they stayed together.
read more

Categories
Articles Dating Tips

When Dating for Marriage it’s Values, Values, Values!

When Dating for Marriage it’s Values, Values, Values!

Perhaps you have heard that in business it’s all about location, location, location! However, this dating coach believes that for relationships, it’s all about values, values and values! What do I mean about values? Let me explain:
Your values are what you treasure. It’s what you hold dear. When your values are not aligned with someone or something, you will feel discourse and out of sorts. I can’t stress how important it is to have a list with a detailed description of your values so you can adjust your love radar connection in the right direction.
As a dating coach I have observed for many of my clients that their love connection radar is off and they are choosing the inappropriate people to date based upon the wrong criteria. When you adjust your love connection radar through your values, you will make better choices for yourself and you will recognize a good potential mate sooner than later.
So how do your values help you with finding that special person? Let me share with you this dating coach’s 3 Step Motivated to Marry Dating Secrets System:

* First CLARIFY WHO would be a good match for you.
Once you have a detailed description list of your values written out, then you have to figure out which ones are your PERSONAL VALUES and which are your RELATIONSHIP VALUES. Your RELATIONSHIP VALUES need to be aligned with your life partner and your PERSONAL VALUES need to be supported by your partner.
* Next FOCUS on WHERE to go to find people who share your core RELATIONSHIP VALUES.
You will be able to figure out where you are going to meet people who share your values? You will find that you will connect with people because you share similar values. For instance, if you have a value around giving back to your community, you may find singles’ volunteer opportunities so you can meet other single people who feel the same desire. Also, it’s important to express your values in your online dating profile so you will attract the right people to your profile! Moreover, you can tell the connectors in your life WHO you are looking for based upon these RELATIONSHIP VALUES so they can easily think about who they know to introduce you to that would be a great match.
* Last, your RELATIONSIP VALUES will SOLIDIFY your CONNECTION to your romantic partner.
By honoring your CORE RELATIONSHIP values, you have the glue that will keep you together during the ups and downs of a relationship. When you share and support one another’s values, you both get one another and find that you have an appreciative, supportive, respectful and caring partner. This will give you the best chance for your future happiness in your romantic love partnership. By disregarding your RELATIONSHIP VALUES you are missing the one thing that can make dating easier so you can determine who is a good fit, as well as, a way to kindly pass on those who don’t share your core VALUES.
What criteria are you utilizing to evaluate a potential mate for continued dating? This curious dating coach would like to know!
Warmly,
Coach Amy
PS. If you would like to learn more about how to utilize your values to find and solidify true love, go to www.TalkwithCoachAmy.com and let’s talk about how we can best uncover your PERSONAL and RELATIONSHIP VALUES in support of your quest to find your Motivated to Marry Mate!

Categories
Articles Marriage Tips

When A Good Woman Marries A Bad Man

By America’s #1 Love and Marriage Experts.


We are eternal optimists – make no mistake about that! With us, glasses are always half full, not half empty. The sun is always shining where we live! read more

Categories
Articles Marriage Tips

What Your Marriage Proposal Could Tell You About Your Relationship

What Your Marriage Proposal Could Tell You About Your Relationship

The way your partner proposed to you might allow you to see into your future with this person.
Good card players can detect tells—those unconscious behaviors that give away information about a player’s hand.
When my clients described their feelings of disappointments or exhilaration about their proposal, a warning light went off in my head. A few years later, when these same couples came to see me for counseling, I realized the proposal often foretold the problems they would face. Not all the time, of course, but here are some thoughts and tips that might help you to see into your future so you can address important patterns and issues now.
Like the fairy tale, Goldilocks and the Three Bears, I discovered three proposal styles that can be too big, too small or just right.
1) The Too Big, Over-the-Top Proposal
What Your Marriage Proposal Could Tell You About Your Relationship Don’t let proposals written in the sky or delivered on the stadium sports screen seduce you into thinking you found Prince Charming. And don’t confuse a huge ring with love. Your man could turn out to be a prince among men, but keep in mind that proposals that suffer from a too-muchness factor might be tells about his issues regarding control, abuse and respect.
For example, a wow-proposal that sweeps you off your feet and makes you feel special could be signaling you that your man needs to be in charge and to be respected and revered. Many of these men need to be Number One, Two and Three in a relationship.
They may have a hole in their soul that needs constant feeding.
If you doubt or question him, he might minimize your needs and become abusive. These men often have emotional radar for women who are Little Orphan Annie’s who overly appreciate him.
And those surprise proposals where the man pops the question can often be more about the man’s fear of losing you rather than loving you.
Not all thrilling proposals are from controlling or insecure men. But pay attention to any pattern in your relationship where you end up feeling diminished. When you do speak up, don’t accuse, cry, throw a fit or threaten to leave. Instead, suggest ideas and work as a team. If abuse occurs, seek professional counseling immediately to learn about creating a safety plan.
2) The Too-Little Proposal
Proposals that are too casual do not create the heat of love. You don’t feel special or warm or certain. One of my clients said her husband proposed to her at work. She said, He told everyone in the office that he was proposing, and all of a sudden I was surrounded by colleagues toasting me in the lunch room.
The husband of one of my clients proposed while they were walking through a shopping mall. They did marry, but the woman never could erase the lack of feeling special.
Men who make underwhelming proposals might be revealing their doubts about you, themselves or their doubts about sustaining a marriage.
These men often fear taking reasonable risks, making decisions or dealing with confrontations. No wonder these men are attracted to take charge, competent women.
Their appeal is that these men also tend to be sweet and understanding listener. You might feel, for instance, that you can tell this man anything. He makes you feel warm. Over time, however, he may not make you feel safe enough to rely on him when the going gets rough.
Observe your pattern of decision-making if you have chosen a too nice man. You can avoid an imbalance in your relationship by including your man in your decisions, coaching him to make decisions and not blaming him for making mistakes.
And if your proposal is too little, you can have a re-do. Ask your partner to establish a different proposal experience so you can have a different memory. This re-do may never fully get rid of the unsatisfying proposal, but it can build a closer bond and greater respect for your partner.
3) The Just-Right Proposal
Smart marriage proposals don’t have to set the world on fire. They should honor your style, wishes and relationship history. An example of a smart proposal might take place where you went on your first date or where you had your first kiss.
The goals are to establish a memory and ritual that bond you in a personally meaningful way.
Wedding proposals are amongst the rituals—such as mothers’ and fathers’ day celebrations–that you and partner establish over time. These rituals are part of your unique emotional history that joins you as a team—especially in rough times.
By the time your partner proposes, you should both know that the relationship is a go. You should already have discussed key issues such as children, religion, family and finances.
Just-right proposals do not occur as a result of fights, whirlwind courtships, family pressure or traumatic events that propel you to create pseudo-intimacy. Just-right proposals are based on knowing each other over time—and through both good and bad times.
Most importantly, both of you should feel happy, warm, loving, hopeful, confident and stronger because you are a team of equals with different strengths.

Categories
Articles Marriage Tips

What Makes a Happy Marriage?

What Makes a Happy Marriage?

By America’s #1 Love and Marriage Experts.
As our loyal readers know, we have been researching successful marriage around the world for nearly three decades. We have travelled to 47 countries on six of the world’s seven continents in search of the best marriages.
In our speeches, blogs, and world travels we are often asked – Are there ways to ensure that a marriage will be happy? The answer is of course, no. Life, love, and marriage do not come with absolute guarantees. Marriage does not come with a warranty.
Let us hasten to add, however, you can greatly increase the odds that your marriage will last a lifetime if your profile closely resembles the following 15 findings we have gleaned from our own research and the marriage research of others whose research we highly value.
If your marriage profile looks like this, you are well on your way to a long and successful marriage. These are, in essence, the predictors of a happy marriage.
1. It stands to reason that you and the one you love must first pass the Marriage Quiz. If you can’t get out of the starting gate with a successful marriage, the rest doesn’t matter. Take the Quiz and if you both receive a score of 18 or higher on the Marriage Quiz, you have met the first pre-requisite of a successful marriage.
2. Wait until you are at least 25+ to get married. Couples who get married after the age of 25 are far more likely to stay married than those who get married sooner. Doing so will pay many dividends over the years ahead. Experience and wisdom that comes with age will certainly contribute to the success of a marriage.
3. Have an income-producing job with stability before you get married. Here’s what we know, couples with annual incomes over $50,000 (vs. under $25,000) experience a drastically reduced risk of divorce. Couples who have steady jobs with steady incomes are far more likely to have a successful marriage.
4. Do not have children in the first year of your marriage. Bring children into the world when your marriage is ready for them. Nora Ephron once said, Having children is like throwing a hand grenade into a marriage! Children are wonderful, but they bring stress and challenges to a marital relationship, especially to a new marriage. Have children when you know and understand each other and your marriage is ready for the responsibilities associated with parenting. Your marriage will be well served, make no mistake about that.
5. Being spiritual and/or religious is good for your marriage. Couples that consider themselves religious or spiritual (vs. not) are considerably less likely to get divorced. Faith and spirituality contribute to the sense of oneness felt by successfully married couples – a necessary prerequisite to a long and happy marriage.
6. Focus on getting an education that includes post-secondary training (college, trade school, etc.). College educated couples have a much less chance of divorce than those with only a high school diploma. Education almost always leads to enlightenment and understanding and more tolerance for the views of others – so critically important in successful marriages. In fact, college educated women are more likely to get married than their less educated counterparts, and much more likely to have a successful marriage.
7. Make sure your spouse is your best friend. When someone asks you who your best friend is, the honest answer must be, My spouse. There is no other acceptable answer to this question. If you answer this question correctly, your marriage has a better than average chance of success. Being in love is never enough without friendship. All long-term successfully married couples know this to be a fact1
8. Always fight fair in your marriage. All married couples argue – the good, the bad, and the ugly marriages – they all do it. The difference is how they argue. If you decide to submerge your feelings, let the anger fester, and go to bed mad at each other – well, you are heading down a path that could ultimately lead to the destruction of your marriage. Arguing is healthy for a marriage. Just fight fair and never make your arguments personal and hurtful!
9. Never lose your individual identity or subjugate your individual strengths just because you got married. While in many ways two becomes one in the best marriages, losing who you are is not a pre-requisite to being happily and blissfully married. Quite the contrary, losing the sense of who you are hurts your marriage. It doesn’t help your marriage. Be true to your identity as a human being. It will serve your marriage well.
10. Never, we repeat, never engage in acts of infidelity. While some marriages survive infidelity, the overwhelming majority do not. Think long and hard about what you will lose before you engage in infidelity – before you violate the most sacred of marital trusts.
11. Always allow time to be alone – for both you and your spouse. We have learned over the past three decades of research one fundamental truism – every human being has a fundamental predisposition to be alone, to be by themselves from time to time. Allowing yourself time to be alone to your thoughts each day will serve you and your marriage well. Extending the same opportunity to your spouse will pay huge dividends for your marriage. A marriage that does not follow this simple advice could place their marriage in grave jeopardy.
12. Talk about anything and everything! Marriages thrive on open communication and honest discussion. The most successfully married couples we have interviewed around the world tell us that they have learned to communicate frequently, fairly, openly, and honestly. Mum is not the word in marriages that work! Practicing communication with your spouse each and every day is a necessary prerequisite for the success of your marriage. There should be no sacred cows in your marriage!
13. Always show mutual respect and admiration for each other. The best marriages repeatedly engage in acts of kindness towards each other. They do nice things for each other with no expectation of something in return. They work hard to understand each other’s needs and wants. They say thank you and please. They open doors for each other. Successfully married couples do all these things automatically, without ever thinking about it. But remember – these behaviors take daily practice! Start today.
14. The greatest joy in life for both you and your spouse is spending time with each other. If you do not feel this way, you do NOT fit the profile of the most happily and successfully married couples we have interviewed around the world. Couples who love each other deeply, who want to spend their lives with each other, and who cannot imagine life without each other, will almost always tell you this – the one they want to be with more than anyone else is their spouse. There is no substitute for togetherness when it comes to a happily married couple, make no mistake about that.
15. Understand that all marriages go through seasons – much like the seasons of nature. A marriage is born in the spring, blossoms over the summer, grows to maturity in the fall, and settles in over the winter. When we find true love, most of us find it for a lifetime. Those marriages and relationships that last over time started with the simple planting of a seed. The seed was nourished over time. Love grown with tender and loving care matures into fully-grown love that can withstand the tests of time. You can make your love and your marriage last for a lifetime.
There is a profile for marital success – there are predictors associated with the best marriages and they do not occur by accident or happenstance. It takes hard work to make a marriage work.
There are characteristics associated with success and tale-tale signs of impending failure. Heed the advice and the odds are in your favor. Ignore the predictors and do so at your own peril. The choice is yours.
In love and marriage the simple things matter. Love well!
By Dr. Charles D. Schmitz and Dr. Elizabeth A. Schmitz
For hundreds of tips to enhance your relationship get the Doctor’s best-selling and multiple-award winning book Building a Love that Lasts: The Seven Surprising Secrets of Successful Marriage (Jossey-Bass/Wiley) Available wherever books are sold.
Winner of the INDIE Book Awards GOLD Medal for Best Relationship Book
Winner of the Mom’s Choice Awards GOLD Medal for Most Outstanding Relationships and Marriage Book
Nautilus Book Awards Winner for Relationships