Marriage Slumps, Relationship Ruts and Other Painful Realities About Love

Warning: the contents of this article may upset you. In fact, I strongly recommend that you close this page. If you’re like most people, you have a child-like naïveté about romance. I don’t want to spoil that. Sure, you were able to handle the truth about Santa Claus and the tooth fairy (oops, you didn’t know about the tooth fairy? Sorry…), but maybe you’re not ready to learn about love’s painful truths.
Okay, if you’re reading this paragraph, you’re either very curious, stubborn, or downright foolish. I warned you not to read further, so if you continue, do so at your own risk.
Twelve painful truths about love:
1. Love will not make you happy—not in the long run. In fact, it’s never been love’s job to make anyone happy. But for some reason, more and more people enter into relationships thinking that they’ve signed up for a life full of happiness.
2. Love is unpredictable and offers no guarantees. If it’s certainty that you’re after, do yourself (and your partner) a favor and remain in the dugout. When you’ve entered the game of love, you’ve gambled—like it or not. There’s no way around this truth.
3. Love is not enough to keep your relationship healthy and running smoothly. Although the Beatles announced that all we need is love, the truth is they were wrong. (And just for the record, love didn’t prevent John, Paul, George, and Ringo from ending up divorced.)
4. You can love someone and not like them. Life can be pretty unpleasant living with someone you love but don’t like. For some reason, couples stop behaving in ways that maintain their likeability factor. Big mistake.
5. Love doesn’t keep passion alive—passion keeps passion alive. If you don’t nurture romance and eroticism, you’ll end up in the land of platonic love. While this might work for some, many unhappily deny their need for sex in order to preserve their relationship.
6. You can feel lonely and still be in love. This painful truth often results from a lack of trust or an inability to take the risk of sharing all of yourself with your partner. People who feel lonely are vulnerable to looking outside their relationship for what’s missing (ironically, this pattern of loneliness can follow you from relationship to relationship).
7. That old adage, “Love is blind” has merit. Your feelings (and your desire to be in love) can obscure certain painful truths about your partner, especially in the beginning of the relationship. Rather than appropriately dealing with the shortcomings of your relationship as they arise, your myopic love-vision may allow problems to fester and grow, and before you know it, love is a thing of the past.
8. Even within committed, stable relationships, love can be imbalanced and inconstant. You may find that you love or need your partner more than s/he loves or needs you. And at other times the reverse might be true. Because humans are dynamic, evolving creatures, the love they feel for each other is also subject to change over time.
9. Love involves a fall from grace. People often enter relationships with unrealistic expectations and ideals that have more to do with a Hollywood script than real life. If love guided you into the arms of your partner, it’s up to you to toss the Hollywood script and prepare for the day-to-day work needed for love to survive.
10. Being in love can hurt. Loving the wrong person hurts even more. Here’s the irony: if you want to receive the gifts of intimacy, you must humbly stand at love’s door without the protective armor that has shielded you throughout your single life. When you take this risk, the joys and wonders of life intensify—and, sometimes, so do life’s sorrows.
11. For some reason, love doesn’t prevent ruts, arguments, or unreasonableness. If you forget this truth, you are less likely to remain committed to each other through the inevitable downturns that all relationships travel.
12. The love you feel may not last. This is especially the case when couples fail to give their relationship the attention and effort needed to keep it healthy. Because of the euphoria that accompanies new love, you might falsely assume that your relationship is immune to the struggles others face. The reality is, all relationships (even yours) are vulnerable and can buckle under stress.
There you have it, some unattractive truths about love. Are you still willing to step up to the plate and enter the game of love? If you’re like most, you probably answered “yes” to this question. Despite all the risks, people love being in love. If you’re the type of person who idealizes love, keep this list handy and refer back to it just in case you need a dose of reality.
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The Marriage Ref is an Idea Gone Terribly Wrong

Remember the television show, Seinfeld? Like you, we laughed ourselves silly over the antics of the show. It was funny and full of uproarious one-liners. When Jerry Seinfeld decided to promote the idea of a new show called The Marriage Ref, he and everyone else surely imagined that it would be a hit. Why would anyone expect anything different?
But now, reality is up against the truth. And the simple truth is this – marital problems aren’t funny to the couples going through the trials and tribulations of the various marital challenges all marriages go through. Poking fun at married couples in a public way it seems is not very funny, and not very helpful in either the short or long term.
Frankly, we were bewildered when NBC decided to air The Marriage Ref. Picking six-minute segments of marital discourse and having the featured couple judged by celebrity panelists as to who was right or wrong is, shall we say, an abomination when it comes to best practices for resolving marital conflicts. Moreover, such a tactic is not very useful for growing and strengthening a marriage.
The first arrow-in-the-heart of the show is this – you do not learn about successful marriage by highlighting marital failure. We have studied marriage on six continents of the world for some 27 years and we know this – if you want to understand success, study success. If you want to understand failure, study failure. Oh, if the producers and directors of The Marriage Ref had only known these evident and researchable truths.
Let’s start with the failure notion. This notion says that if a divorced person shares with you why their marriage failed or if they think they have suddenly become an expert on successful marriage just because they know what a failed marriage looks like is the anathema of the best research on marriage of which we are aware. So having Madonna (how many times has she been divorced??) or others who have failed at marriage act as a referee in a marriage dispute is analogous in our mind to trying to learn about how to have a successful marriage from studying failed marriages.
The second point we’d like to make is this – there are many credible researchers, effective marriage and relationship scholars, and great marriage counselors out there. Many books have been written on the subject of building great marriages based on years and years of research on successful marriage. Our new book, Building a Love that Lasts: The Seven Surprising Secrets of Successful Marriage (Josses-Bass/Wiley, 2010) is but one of them. We are quite fond of the writings of John Gottman, Scott Stanley, and Harville Hendrix to name a few. Their work is well researched and we have found their writings to be well worth recommending to couples in marital distress or in need of marital strengthening. Any of these experts could do an amazing job of diagnosing and assisting these couples with resolving their issues.
Our point here is that couples having to deal with the stress and challenges that confront all marriages need help from credible experts who have studied successful marriage and from well-trained, successful, and experienced marriage counselors. Going on a television show where you are exposing very private issues about your marriage while being judged by others who are not necessarily competent, or who may or may not have your best interests in mind (i.e., they use your marriage for a laugh line!), is not the best way to fix or grow your marriage.
The scathing critical reviews of The Marriage Rep have used words like painfully bad, terrible, unfunny, patronizing, ugly, and heinous. Is it any wonder given the premise of the show? Let’s hope the public has not been misled into thinking that the model they bring to the airways has any credibility or usefulness. And the truth is, the show isn’t even funny!
Simple Things Matter in love and marriage. Love well!
By Dr. Charles D. Schmitz and Dr. Elizabeth A. Schmitz
Authors of the best-selling book and multiple-award winning book Building a Love that Lasts: The Seven Surprising Secrets of Successful Marriage (Jossey-Bass/Wiley 2010) Available wherever books are sold.
Winner of the INDIE Book Awards GOLD Medal for Best Relationship Book
Winner of the 2009 Mom’s Choice Awards GOLD Medal for Most Outstanding Relationships and Marriage Book
2009 Nautilus Book Awards Winner for Relationships

Will Your Next Marriage be Better?

It’s time for me to move on. I’ve learned so much – I just know that next time it will be better.
Our new relationship has a great chance, because we’ve both been married before and have learned a lot. We know that this time around we will do it so much better.
Is this true? Apparently not!
According to research by Jennifer Baker, of the Forest Institute of Professional Psychology in Springfield, Missouri, while 50% of first marriages end in divorce, 67% of second marriages and 74% of third marriages end in divorce.
Is this surprising?
From my experience, most people who end their marriages have not learned what they need to learn, so they take their same fears and insecurities, and their resulting controlling and self-abandoning behaviors, with them into their second and third marriages. Of course, eventually they create the same or similar relationship system.
Most people who leave marriages believe that the problem is mostly their partner. But relationships are systems, with both people participating in the system. If you are not aware of the overt and subtle ways you control and abandon yourself in your relationship, then you will take all your wounded behaviors with you into your next relationship.
The thing is, we keep attracting the same kind of person, as long as we are the same kind of person.
I’ve long maintained that leaving a marriage before you have dealt with your own controlling and self-abandoning behaviors is often a waste of time (unless you are in physical and emotional danger). Now the research on marriage proves this to be true. If partners were devoted to healing their controlling, self-abandoning wounded selves, the divorce statistics would go way down – for first, second and third marriages.
The Real Issue Behind These Statistics
Self-abandonment leads to trying to control your partner into giving you the attention and approval you are not giving to yourself. There is little possibility of sharing love, fun, and passion with your partner when your intent is to have control over getting love and to avoid both the pain of your own self-abandonment, and the inevitable loneliness and heartache that exist in all relationships to varying degrees. Until your intent changes from protecting/controlling to learning to love yourself and sharing your love with your partner, you will keep creating the same relationship dynamics over and over.
Ryan consulted with me because the love of his life – the woman he thought he would spend the rest of his life with, left him after an intense six-month courtship. Both Ryan and Roz had been married before. In fact, Ron had been married three times before. Both in their early 60s, their relationship seemed made in heaven. They could laugh and play together, and the chemistry between them was intense.
Roz was a giver, who had learned to give everything in relationships – and would then feel engulfed and trapped. Ryan was a taker, and was so enthralled by Roz’s giving that it didn’t take him long to completely abandon responsibility for his feelings and wellbeing, making Roz responsible for him.
Roz, not knowing how to articulate her feelings of engulfment, or how to take loving care of herself in the face of Ryan’s pull on her, abruptly ended the relationship. That’s when Ryan called.
The point here is that neither Ryan nor Roz had dealt with their wounded selves. Both were abandoning themselves and, in different ways, trying to have control over getting love and avoiding pain. Their relationship was fantastic at the beginning, before their wounded selves got triggered. It’s sad that Roz wasn’t willing to work on her end of the relationship system, and it’s hopeful that Ryan, now working on his, will heal enough so that he won’t repeat this system again.

Will Marriage Counseling Get Your Wife Back?

“Does marriage counseling work? My wife and I have tried seeing a marriage counselor for the past few weeks, but it doesn’t seem like it’s doing anything…What am I doing wrong?”
If you’re like many of the lost and confused husbands in the 21st century, then you have already tried the most commonly prescribed solution to any marriage problem, i.e. marriage counseling.
I don’t know when it became such common practice, but somehow the go-to solution for any and all problems that could plague a marriage (separation, loss of passion, divorce, infidelity, lack of communication, etc.), the most prominent and widely advice that you’re going to get is “have you tried marriage counseling?”
You would think that such a booming and reputable industry would be so highly recommended because of its high success rate, right? In other words, marriage counseling is so popular because it has a history of legitimately fixing the marriage problems that plague so many relationships these days, right?
Wrong!
Did you know that…
Marriage Counseling has the Highest Failure Rate of Any Therapy
Yup, marriage counseling and marriage counselors have the lowest success rate of any other counseling or therapy related field.
So, does marriage counseling work? I would say ‘not even close’.
* Drug addicts in rehab have a higher success rate than marriage counselors
* Alcoholics in AA have a higher success rate than marriage counselors
* Anger management therapy has a higher success rate than marriage counselors
* Even the prison counseling programs for murderers, rapists and other criminals have a higher success rate than marriage counseling
You would think that for up to $200 per hour there’d be some sort of guarantee that you’d see results in your marriage, but this is absolutely not the case. Marriage counseling DOES NOT WORK for most couples, and marriage counseling success rates are surprisingly low (less than 25%).
There is a type of couple that can benefit from marriage and family counseling, but it is the exception, not the rule. Most marriage counselors don’t effectively address the true issues that are leaving you and your wife ‘unfulfilled in our marriage’.
Does Marriage Counseling Work? Do We Have the Highest Divorce Rates, Ever?
Admittedly, according to recent statistics, the divorce rate in America has finally come to somewhat of a plateau in the past couple years because less people are getting married, so there are less couples to divorce.
But still, in the past 10 – 25 years divorce rates have sky rocketed, and I want you to really think about this for a minute… Doesn’t it seem strange that the rise in divorce rates correlates almost directly with the thriving marriage counseling industry? Some might argue that this makes sense because more divorces need more marriage counseling, but what if the true source of the problem wasn’t actually divorce, but the total ineffectiveness, even counter-productivity, of marriage counseling?
I’ll tell you an example of this – My own parents are divorced. They were married for over 20 years, and they tried everything in the book to save their marriage. They tried not one, not two, not three, not four, but FIVE different marriage counselors over the course of 10 YEARS, and not a single one of them did anything to save their marriage.
In fact, the marriage only ever got worse because my parents became frustrated with their lack of progress, and that frustration led to even more problems in the marriage.
In other words, marriage counseling added fuel to the fire, and it poisoned my parents’ marriage.
Now, I’m not saying that all marriage counselors are complete quacks, but a surprising amount of them are. Their marriage counseling methods and techniques are based on theory, conjecture and textbooks, not actual romantic or human experience or even on successful marriages.
Many Marriage Therapists Lack Proven or Relevant Experience
This could probably be said about many therapy related fields, but I feel that it is especially true in marriage counseling. I know of multiple marriage counselors who have actually gone through a divorce, but continue to teach others how to fix their marriage. Clearly these people have no idea what actually works if they can’t even save their own marriage, so why would you trust them to save yours?
Again, I don’t want to make any overly broad generalizations here, but I do feel like the marriage counseling field has become equivalent with divorce attorneys…It’s just one more cog in the machine leading to the simultaneous degradation and capitalization of marriage in America. I mean, from a price standpoint they’re both expensive… It will run you about $400 for an hour to talk on the phone with a divorce attorney, and a single marriage counseling session will usually cost you at least $100, and more for a ‘good’ one.
These are people that know you’re desperate and are willing to take advantage of that are their own gain.
Think about it, if you were truly passionate about helping people and saving marriages, would you demand $300 per session for something that you haven’t even seen consistently yield results? I’m not saying it’s morally wrong to charge a lot of money for your services, but when there’s so much money involved it’s only natural to question true motives, especially without results to justify a high price.
Think about it, most marriage counselors recommend at least 10 sessions to see results in your marriage, which means you’re dropping $1,000 to $2,000 on totally unproven techniques and strategies.
Which brings me to the implied second part of our original question…Does marriage counseling work, and why or why not?
And to me, this is what seems to be the reason most marriage counselors fail:
Most Marriage Counselors Have Been Trained To Analyze Problems, Not Create Solutions
This is what I really think it comes down to… Everything that your average marriage counselor has learned, and in turn everything they teach you, was very likely written by a psychologist.
All those things that your marriage counselor tells you…
* “Just keep working at it”…
* “Communication is the key”…
* “Be more open with each other”…
* “Start having intimacy time”…
* “Date nights are the answer”…
* “Make her feel loved”…
All of those things are written in some text book somewhere and that textbook was written by a psychologist. These are things that women think they want, and they do when everything is already perfect, but they will NOT save your marriage.
These are all things you should be doing when your marriage is thriving, more like characteristics of a successful marriage than actual techniques to fix a broken one.
But You Can Clearly See Their Train of Thought…
A good marriage has open communication, right? So it ‘makes sense’ that to fix a broken marriage you should develop open communication, right?
A good marriage has spouses who enjoy intimacy time with each other, right? So, it ‘makes sense’ to say that if you force intimacy time you’ll fix your marriage, right?
But marriage isn’t backwards compatible like that…It doesn’t work because these logical solutions are NOT going to work when there is no feelings of attraction or emotional fondness behind them. So even if you’re going through the motions correctly, there is no guarantee that you will actually fix your marriage.
In fact, if anything you’re almost guaranteed to make it worse, because you’ll remind your wife how bad things have to be that she can’t feel ANYTHING even when you’re apparently trying so hard.
Remember, attraction is the ONLY thing that will save your marriage. Without attraction there is no emotional incentive driving your wife to come back to you…Logic, reason, counseling, courses, books, rational techniques and perseverance will not save your marriage. Feelings, emotion and passion will.
So, does couples counseling work? Does marriage counseling work? I suppose I should let your own experiences give you the definitive answer, but from all of my own experience I would say that you’re better off trying to fix things on your own than with a counselor.

Anonymity Versus the Truth about Marriage

By America’s #1 Love and Marriage Experts.
Often we wonder, silently and out-loud – why have so many good folks fallen prey to the lies and distortions about marriage in the USA promulgated by so many uninformed people or people with some kind of political agenda? Many times, they have an agenda protected by anonymous acrimony?
Why are so many willing to accept the negative pronouncements about marriage – it is a failed institution; the divorce rate is over 50%; people don’t get married anymore; we can just live together and be happy; good sex is all that matters; and the pronouncements go on.
Recently, we got yet another anonymous proclamation about all of the above – and more! This faceless writer made a lot of reckless claims about the institution of marriage. He or she proclaimed that marriage was all about good sex, that open marriages worked best, and that there was no such thing as a happy marriage.
Clearly, one of the problems associated with the Internet is anonymity. The Internet’s greatest strength (anonymity) is also its greatest weakness.
Here’s what we ask of those who comment anonymously. Have you conducted research about successful marriage for three decades on SIX continents of the world? Have you earned the appropriate academic degrees in the field you purport to know so much about? Have you published widely in the field of marriage?
Trust us, we do not intend to come across as angry or defensive. What we do want is for people to recognize that the practice of anonymity is a double-edged sword! While it is nice to express an opinion anonymously, anonymity does not make you smart, it does not make you informed about that which you speak, it doesn’t make you anything! It only means you have an opinion irrespective of its accuracy.
You see, expressing an opinion is different than having spent time doing the research to draw an honest conclusion. Opinion is just that, an opinion. But the problem is there are a lot of folks out there on the Internet who think that expressing an opinion is an epiphany – a truth that should be accepted at face value! We disagree.
The Internet is a very useful tool. The information you can retrieve from it is voluminous – it is awe-inspiring. And more often than not, it is useful. But here is where opinion ends and the truth begins – there is so much out there that is junk! There is so much on the Internet that is not truthful or reliable.
Now our main point! It is hard for us to see so many uninformed opinions and notions out there about successful marriage. It causes us sleepless nights to know that the opinions of one uninformed and anonymous person gets the same billing in the eyes of the public as a researcher than has spent nearly a lifetime doing research on a topic. In our case, the topic is successful marriage.
In our latest book, Building a Love that Lasts (Jossey-Bass/Wiley), we report on three decades of research on successful marriage on six of the world’s seven continents. We have interviewed thousands of successfully married couples based on one simple notion – you do not learn much about success by studying failure. You learn about success by studying success. Hence, we studied successful marriage around the world. We know what makes successful marriage work! We do not speculate, we do not guess, we do not offer opinions. We only offer the truth of our research findings.
We are sure you would agree – an anonymous opinion does not measure up to an informed and carefully conducted research study. Most people know the difference and that pleases us. All we ask of our many, many wonderful readers is that they weigh and measure carefully what they read, and then ask – is this research or opinion, is this person qualified by virtue of academic training and experience to express the opinions they promote as facts, do these people hide behind anonymity?
Our life’s goal is to share with our thousands of readers the truth about marriage based on the research evidence we have collected over nearly half of our respective lifetimes. In the end, you will know this – 40% or less of marriages end in divorce, not 50%; marriage is one of the most important contributors to social order in the world today; those who live together rather than get married have a higher divorce rate than those who get married; and, while sex is important to a marriage, over the life of the marriage it is NOT the most important contributor to successful marriage. We know these things to be true based on RESEARCH, not on anonymous opinion.
The good news – readers of our various missives know the difference. We are blessed with intelligent, well-informed readers. We go to bed each night thankful for this. Opinions are fun, but facts matter.
In love and marriage the simple things matter in love and marriage. Love well!
By Dr. Charles D. Schmitz and Dr. Elizabeth A. Schmitz
**For hundreds of tips to enhance your relationship get the Doctor’s best-selling and multiple-award winning book Building a Love that Lasts: The Seven Surprising Secrets of Successful Marriage (Jossey-Bass/Wiley 2010) Available wherever books are sold.
Winner of the INDIE Book Awards GOLD Medal for Best Relationship Book
Winner of the Mom’s Choice Awards GOLD Medal for Most Outstanding Relationships and Marriage Book
Nautilus Book Awards Winner for Relationships

Great Love Cannot Be Rushed

By America’s #1 Love and Marriage Experts.
You have to walk carefully in the beginning of love; the running across fields into your lover’s arms can only come later when you’re sure they won’t laugh if you trip. This marvelous quote by Jonathan Carroll is from Outside the Dog Museum.
Too often, when a person feels the early signs of a loving relationship they move too fast and scare away the one they are falling in love with. Or worse yet, they so desperately want to be in love and be loved that they miss important clues to the real feelings of the one they think they love.
During our thousands of interviews with successfully married couples, we have repeatedly heard this advice—go slow in the beginning. As love and marriage experts for over 30 years, we can tell you that this advice cannot be ignored.
You’ve heard the old expression, Rome wasn’t built in a day. One thing for certain—neither was love. It develops over time. It requires patience. It requires self-examination. And it most certainly requires you to run slowly across fields until you find the proper footing, lest you fall down!
Recently, someone sent us a copy of a beautiful essay entitled Letters To My Son”
by Kent Nerburn. Our favorite passage is excerpted below:
Here is where many lovers go wrong. Having been so long
without love, they understand love only as a need. The first blush of new love is filled to overflowing, but as
their love cools, they revert to seeing their love as a need. They forget that the
secret of love is that it is a gift, and that it can be made to
grow only by giving it away.
The message here should be clear—love is a gift you give to someone, and if you are lucky, they give it back in return. You need to step back and make sure that you feel good about giving your love away. That requires being honest with yourself about what you are feeling and what you are giving away to another human being. Accepting true love takes courage. And trust. And time.
To be truly in love is to dash across the field of lilies on a beautiful spring morning unafraid to fall down as you leap into the arms of the one you love and who loves you. As love and marriage experts, we suggest you go, be in love if you are ready to give away your gift of love to another human being.
Creating a %0A” rel=”nofollow”>successful marriage is not always the easiest thing to do. Your visiting our blog suggests you are highly interested in making your marriage work! And truthfully, we have learned over 30 years of marriage research that there are proven effective ways to ensure a happy and healthy marriage. In fact, we took hundreds of tips from the thousands of happy couples we interviewed and put them into our award-winning and bestselling book, Building a Love that Lasts .
Today, you can see how you stack up to the best marriages around the world. Take the Marriage Quiz to assess your chances of achieving a successful marriage of your own.
you witness the signs, take action. Save your relationship if you can. Having a healthy and happy marriage is one of the great success stories of life. It is not too late to save your marriage.
In love and marriage the simple things matter. Love well!
By Drs. Charles and Elizabeth Schmitz
America’s #1 Love and Marriage Experts

Is time alone necessary for a great marriage?

By America’s #1 Love and Marriage Experts.
There is absolutely no question about it, great marriages require time alone – time away from each other!
We have witnessed time and time again marriages in which one or both partners failed to understand the importance of being alone, not only for themselves, but for their spouse as well. When we first introduce this concept to others, the reaction is usually one of surprise. Many couples are of the mistaken notion that they are to be constantly attentive to their spouse. While their intentions are good, their desire to be attentive causes them to, in fact, interfere with the quality of their communicative relationship with each other. The desire for too much time together can inadvertently drive a wedge between a husband and wife. Isn’t that ironic?
In all probability, many couples believe that quantity of time together is the most important characteristic of their relationship. Instead, the law of diminishing returns comes into play here.
The economists would explain it something like this. Let’s say you buy a case of your favorite cola and decide to drink it all in one setting. The first cola tastes great. Perhaps the first two or three taste good. But after about four or five, the quality of taste begins to diminish. If you were to drink the whole case in one setting, you would like each cola less and less until you reached a point where you began to absolutely hate your favorite cola.
The law of diminishing return seems to appropriately describe many marriages. More is not always better. Give your spouse some privacy . . . the opportunity to be alone. Expect the same opportunity for yourself. Don’t allow communication in your marriage to fall victim to the law of diminishing return.
Being alone to your thoughts provides for you a periodic psychological renewal. A few moments alone to your thoughts each day frees the spirit and cleanses the soul. Do not deny yourself or your spouse these moments of alone time.
Simple Things Matter in love and marriage. Love well!
By Dr. Charles D. Schmitz and Dr. Elizabeth A. Schmitz
Authors of the best-selling book and multiple-award winning book Building a Love that Lasts: The Seven Surprising Secrets of Successful Marriage (Jossey-Bass/Wiley 2010) Available wherever books are sold.
Winner of the INDIE Book Awards GOLD Medal for Best Relationship Book
Winner of the Mom’s Choice Awards GOLD Medal for Most Outstanding Relationships and Marriage Book
Nautilus Book Awards Silver Medal Winner for Relationships

Marriage The Second Time Around – Take It Slow

By America’s #1 Love and Marriage Experts.
We know very well how important it is to rebound in a timely manner from a failed relationship. Of the thousands of couples we have interviewed over the past 30 years on all 7 continents of the world, many of them were remarried after suffering through a relationship that didn’t work. And irrespective of the reason, there is a pace to take when building a love that lasts.
Love the second time around is complicated! Consider this – two-thirds of second marriages end in divorce! It should come as no surprise that there are skeptics out there when it comes to finding love the second time around.
Recently, we interviewed an individual who is engaged in a new relationship after filing for a divorce from a very bad man (mental and physical abuse, child molestation, and other sinister actions).
On the surface, her story is like so many others. She finds a new guy she loves dearly, wants to marry him, and is hopeful that he will see the light and commit to spending the rest of his life with her.
To rid herself of the husband she is trying to escape (think divorce!) due to an abusive relationship – both for her and her children – is clearly understandable and defensible. However, the extent of the abuse (which is substantial) is not the purpose of this missive. Rather, our intent is to talk about her search for new love and new direction in her life.
Here’s what she reports. After filing for divorce more than four years ago, she fell in love with the new man in her life. He is kind and gentle. He is a gentleman. He personifies all of the characteristics she longed for in the man of her dreams.
More importantly, she wants him to tell her he loves her, that he wants to spend his life with her, and that he considers her to be the center of his universe.
Here’s where it gets complicated. She loves him and he loves her. But the problem is, she is not yet divorced from the abusive man she is officially married to under the law. Her new man gets scared! He wonders if he should make commitments to her about marriage given the fact that she is still married.
New love is best not rushed! When you fall in love again, you must understand that your new lover enters the relationship with various levels of insecurity based on your old relationship. If your divorce is not yet finalized, he is a skeptic. Will she really love me? Am I the one she truly loves? Am I the man of her dreams? Will her divorce really become final or will I be left holding the bag?
We know that finding love again is tough. And frankly, we know that getting the new guy to commit is not easy. He is afraid. He has, perhaps, been burned before. Moreover, he is afraid to commit his love, his sacred honor, and his undying dedication to you as long as you are married, irrespective of when the divorce is finalized.
Here is where the rubber hits the road – falling in love again is easy, but getting a commitment for the rest of your life is not. Our suggestion to you is this – never, ever, assume that your new love is willing to commit to you for the rest of your life in the absence of a bonifide divorce. One chapter in life must end before another one can begin!
Your new love is intimidated by the commitment to marriage before your divorce is complete. It doesn’t matter whether the impending divorce is virtually certain. What matters is that the divorce will be real! What matters is that your new love can trust that you will love him unconditionally, irrespective of the official date of your impending divorce.
People get remarried all the time. And, for the most part, and for some very good reasons, true love trumps everything. Love is the elixir of life. To love and to be in love is amongst the greatest triumphs of humanity. To spend your life on planet Earth is a great privilege. But to do your best to make great love your reason for being on Earth is, well, the principle reason humans strive to achieve the pinnacle of love.
Finding new love is a good thing. Going slow in your pursuit of a new love and a new relationship is admirable. To do less is to do a disservice to you and the one you purport to love.
In the beginning, great love is best not rushed. Finding new love requires patience. Finding new love requires you to understand that getting in a hurry in your new romance runs the risk of pushing away the person you truly love. Don’t take the risk.
Love is patient and love is kind. Don’t ever forget that simple notion. In the beginning of new love, take it slow.
Creating a successful marriage is not always the easiest thing to do. Your visiting our blog suggests you are highly interested in making your marriage work! And truthfully, we have learned over 30 years of marriage research that there are proven effective ways to ensure a happy and healthy marriage. In fact, we took hundreds of tips from the thousands of happy couples we interviewed and put them into our award-winning and bestselling book, Building a Love that Lasts: The Seven Surprising Secrets of Successful Marriage
**Today, you can see how you stack up to the best marriages around the world. Take the Marriage Quiz to assess your chances of achieving a successful marriage of your own.
By Drs. Charles and Elizabeth Schmitz
America’s #1 Love and Marriage Experts
In love and marriage the simple things matter. Love well!

The Seven Most Common Mistakes Made By Marriage Counselors – Part 1 of 2

By America’s #1 Love and Marriage Experts.
We have studied successfully married couples for over 26 years on six of the world’s seven continents. We have traveled in more countries than we can remember. And while our focus has been on those who have made their marriages work; we are also constantly reminded that some marriages need help. Some marriages need another human being to help them make their marriage survive and thrive.
Some marriages struggle, and from time to time, they need a professional counselor to lend a helping hand. Oftentimes, it’s a Marriage Counselor.
And while most marriage counselors are dedicated, well meaning, and professional, occasionally they make mistakes when helping others who are desperately trying to build a love that lasts.
Here’s what we know – marriage counselors make mistakes ever so often, and their mistakes generally fall into seven categories. We want to address each of those in this words-to-the-wise message.
Here they are in a nutshell:
1. Talking jargon with their clients when Simple Truths are required.
Here’s the bottom line – it doesn’t matter if your marital relationship is at Stage 4. Moreover, does it really matter if your marriage, like most marriages, goes through so-called stages of marriage. How does that knowledge help you? How does that knowledge help your marriage?
The simple truth is, marriages facing challenges need to come to grips with the fact that marriage is not always fair, just, and beautiful. Marriage is simple to understand, but making a marriage work takes lots of hard work. And in the end, a successful marriage is an accumulation of having done the simple things.
There is nothing jargonistic about marriage. Making yours work takes lots of hard work in doing the simple things. Don’t be misled by those who hide behind jargon. The best help a counselor can give you is to help guide you and your spouse through whatever challenges your marriage is facing without resorting to jargon that you don’t understand. Working through the trying times in a marriage is not about the mystical powers of your counselor. Rather, it is about your relationship and their ability to help you and your spouse reach resolution about important issues that confront you.
2. Overly intellectualizing marriage and marital conflict.
Love is an emotion! You can’t intellectualize love. Love cannot always be explained in rational terms. Sometimes, love can’t be explained at all!
Without a doubt, love is something you feel – in your heart, your soul, and in your being. When your relationship needs help, the last thing you need is for someone to tell you that what you and your spouse are feeling with regard to your relationship can be explained by some entry in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (currently referred to as DSM-IV-TR), the most widely-used psychiatric/psychological reference book and standard diagnostic tool used by mental health professionals worldwide.
Don’t get us wrong, the Manual is a great reference source. But in the end, an intellectual tool can’t measure love! Love is an emotion, and the best counselors know this. They act as a guide on the side as you and the one you love address the challenges confronting your marriage. They are not smarter than you. They are not wiser than you. They are trained to facilitate the resolution of a marital conflict.
They are not always successful. In the end, it is your marriage, your emotion, your life, and your future – together or separate. The best marriage counselors help your marriage feel – help your marriage get in touch with the respective emotions of you and your spouse. The best counselors help you understand what love’s got to do with it. They help you feel the emotions that cause you to come to grips with what you want from your marriage. To love is to feel emotion. Love is not intellectual. Don’t let anyone resort to intellectualizing when it comes to your marriage!
3. Being an advocate for a particular marital perspective instead of a guide on the side.
Here’s a truism you can take to the bank – it is not the role of the marriage counselor to be an advocate for anything while counseling you and your spouse about your marital problems!
Frankly, their personal opinions are not relevant to your marriage. Their stories about their marriage, their parent’s marriage, or other marriages they have treated do not matter when it comes to YOUR marriage. Your marriage is, in most ways, unique! The answers you and your spouse are seeking about your marriage are not always informed by the experiences of others.
While common positive themes run through the best marriages, and while there are telltale signs of failing marriages, in the end, each marriage that is in failure is in failure for reasons that are unique to that marriage.
A marriage counselor that assumes your marriage is failing due to anything other than circumstances that are unique to your marriage, is being disingenuous at best, and incompetent at worst. The best marriage counselors are guides on the side and not advocates for any particular perspective. Trust us on this.
Read Part 2 – the final segment of the article, so you can understand the other four common mistakes made by marriage counselors:
The Seven Most Common Mistakes Made By Marriage Counselors – Part 2
Simple Things Matter in love and marriage. Love well!
By Dr. Charles D. Schmitz and Dr. Elizabeth A. Schmitz
Authors of the best-selling book and multiple-award winning book Building a Love that Lasts: The Seven Surprising Secrets of Successful Marriage (Jossey-Bass/Wiley 2010) Available wherever books are sold.
Winner of the INDIE Book Awards GOLD Medal for Best Relationship Book
Winner of the 2009 Mom’s Choice Awards GOLD Medal for Most Outstanding Relationships and Marriage Book
2009 Nautilus Book Awards Winner for Relationships


We have been engaged in marriage research for nearly three decades around the world and have never been asked this question until recently – Are there words or phrases you listen for when you interview the best marriages around the world?

This is a great question and we are delighted to share the answer with our thousands of loyal readers around the world. read more

Will My Ex Come Back – Signs Your Ex Is Still Into You!

You are probably here because you want your ex back and might be wondering will my ex come back. You are still in love with your ex and despite all you have tried to do to get over them, it just seems impossible. It seem like the more you try to stop thinking about them, the more you miss them. If you are wondering if your ex will come back to you, then you must watch out for some positive signs that reveal that they are still in love with you. In this article I will provide you with some signs that reveal your ex still have strong feelings for you and want you back in their arms.
As long as you have been in the relationship with your ex for a while, even if the relationship didn’t last long, you should by now understand your ex’s body language. You are supposed to know when they want to communicate with you or not. In other words, you should be able to tell when he or she is giving off signs that they still love you and want to be with you. Although you might not be able to observe these signs at the moment since you are very emotional. If you can calm down your emotions, then you would see all the signs your ex is giving you. However, you just have to take your time to observe these signs just to be sure, before you make plans on what to do next.
Does your ex seek your advice on various matters? One positive sign that your ex is still not over you is if he or she come to you for advice. Even more better is if your ex comes to seek advice from you on personal issues. Your initial move should be to try to observe if their aim for consulting is genuine or just using it as an excuse to talk to you. If you observe that they are just using it to keep the lines of communication open, you can do the same. Ask your ex’s advice on different matters. As time goes on, the communication would become regular. You must take immediate action when you notice a regular and a constant communication. However, if the contacts are irregular, then you must do all you can to keep the lines of communication open.
Another positive sign that your ex still has strong feelings for you is if he or she tries to appear good and sexy around you. Although this might not be true all the time, but take your time to observe closely before jumping into conclusion. As long as your ex is giving off these signs you must take advantage of it. You would want to appear good and sexy as well on your part. Your next course of action would be to go out on a date, but before attempting to go on a date, first try to find out your ex’s emotional state from their friends. While on the date act like you are already back together. If there are no objections, then you should be sure of getting back together with your ex. If there are objections, those can be settled!
If you are asking will my ex come back, then these tips will help you decide. However, these are just a few tips out of the numerous out there. Most times you are in the best position to know if you ex still love you or not because you are familiar with their body language. Despite the fact that your ex is showing signs that they still love you doesn’t automatically guarantee you that you are going to be together again. You must have a step by step plan in order to win back your ex.

Discover the difference between needs coming from emotional dependency and authentic needs that we have within a relationship.
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Every few weeks I do a free webinar. People can listen on their computers or on the phone; they can write in asking questions or they can ask me directly on the phone. Here is one of the questions a woman – I will call her Susan – asked in a webinar on emotional dependency:


“When we are in a relationship and we have made our needs clear to our partner, is hanging on in the hope they will follow through with promises to meet our needs a sign of emotional dependency?” read more

Great Marriages Require Unencumbered Time

By America’s #1 Love and Marriage Experts.
Make no mistake about it – great marriages require unencumbered time!
You have read our musings about the fundamental predisposition of every human being to have time alone – to have time only to their private thoughts. In our book, Golden Anniversaries: The Seven Secrets of Successful Marriage, we describe privacy and aloneness as one of the seven secrets of successful marriage.
In many ways, unencumbered time might, in fact, be the eighth secret. Everyone needs time alone – that’s an established fact. But just as importantly, everyone needs unencumbered time – time when nothing is planned, nothing is programmed, nothing is on your iCal calendar on your iPhone, and nothing is in the way of your completely spontaneous day!
Successfully married couples know this – there are days in their marriage and in their relationship when nothing should be planned, nothing should be scripted, and nothing should be in the way to a totally and completely unencumbered day.
We have interviewed couple after couple – thousands of them – on our journey around the world in search of the best marriages. Our travels have taken us to five continents, with the sixth coming this next year (we still haven’t figured out how to get to Antarctica to interview successfully married couples!).
On each continent, and with each successfully married couple we have interviewed, there are many truths we have learned, but first and foremost among them is this – unencumbered time is necessary to the health and well being of the best marriages.
Here’s how it works. The next time you and the one you love wake up in the morning, let it be your resolve for that day – plan nothing! Let your whim drive your day. When you get to the fork in the road, take it, as Yogi Berra used to say! Make choices for no particular reason.
To have a day without restrictions and without encumbrances is to have a day you will cherish. In our hectic, fast-paced lives, it is good to know that you can, in fact, slow down, smell the roses, and let your instincts guide your way.
So many marriages are predictable – everything is planned. But the truth is, that is not the way the best marriages go. The best marriages understand that there are days when you need time alone. The best marriages understand that there are days when you need to plan NOTHING!
Being spontaneous is the hallmark of the best marriages we have studied over the years. Placing trust in your collective ability to do what comes naturally and impulsively is, in fact, a wonderful indicator of the quality of your loving relationship. Trust yourself. Trust the one you love. Live dangerously!
Over the 43 years of our marriage, we have come to appreciate our unencumbered days. They have proven to be the best days of our lives together. Why don’t you try having an unencumbered day tomorrow!
The Simple Things Matter in love and marriage. Love well!
By Dr. Charles D. Schmitz and Dr. Elizabeth A. Schmitz
Authors of Golden Anniversaries: The Seven Secrets of Successful Marriage
Winner of the INDIE Book Awards GOLD Medal for Best Relationship Book
Winner of the 2009 Mom’s Choice Awards GOLD Medal for Most Outstanding Relationships and Marriage Book
2009 Nautilus Book Awards Winner for Relationships

Keeping Your Marriage Strong While Raising Children

By America’s #1 Love and Marriage Experts.
Kids! We love them. We cherish them. They bring joy to our lives. When we have children in a marriage, we understand finally, and once and for all, what eternity means. While we are not immortal, we learn the meaning of everlasting life when we are blessed with children. They make us feel like we will live through time. We know that through them our lives will have meaning beyond our time on this earth.
But our children are also a pain in the butt! They challenge us. They taunt us. They demand much from us. They argue with us. They divide us. They unite us. They run up one heck of a child-care bill!
On the other hand, most successful marriages with children wouldn’t want it any other way. They know that without a doubt, their children enrich their lives in innumerable ways. They value their children immensely. But be clear regarding this – successfully married couples with children understand the challenges they pose to a blissful and romantic marital relationship.
You thought your marriage was nearly perfect — And Then…Along Came Kids. To quote Nora Ephron in Heartburn: Having a first child is like throwing a hand grenade into a marriage. When you are responsible for the care of your children you will, without a doubt, take on some enormous stresses.
After more than 27 years of research around the world interviewing successfully married couples, one of our principal conclusions is – the quality of the relationship between husband and wife trumps everything else in a marriage! Get it right and good things follow. Get it wrong and lots of bad things often happen!
And you know why? Without a positive, loving, and thriving relationship between mom and dad, children often don’t prosper, they are not well-adjusted, they don’t do well in school, and they are not as healthy, both physically and mentally.
Our research over three decades suggests that there are five useful tips to not only deal with the enormous stress of caregiving, but also strengthen your marriage at the same time. These tips appear on the surface to be simple, but in love, marriage and raising children the Simple Things Matter.
Tips to Strengthen Your Marriage While Raising Children:
1. Share openly with your spouse about feelings, emotions and stresses as they relate to caring for your children. In times of stress the tendency is to keep everything bottled up inside or explode at the slightest disagreement. However, this approach will not work if you want your marriage to survive and thrive. In successful marriages there are No Sacred Cows. Simply speaking, happily married couples talk about everything. They trust each other. They depend upon each other for truth and straight talk. They share insights about everything—the good, the bad and the ugly. They are each other’s best friends.
2. Make a conscious effort to keep the flame of your love affair alive with each other everyday. Can you rattle off a list of activities, topics and places you and your spouse include in your personal book of fun and romance? Have you found what clears your mind and gives you an unobstructed view of your world together? What type of priority do you place on making time for fun and romance with each other in your hectic lives? If you cannot answer these questions easily, you need to start today by carving out time to have a romantic date with each other, bring home flowers, get a hotel room, go for a long walk together, watch the sunset, write a love note, and snuggle or in bed a little longer in the morning.
3. Don’t blame each other when things get tough, as casting blame never solved a problem. The blame game doesn’t work in love and marriage. It is destructive. There is a natural tendency in tough times to blame the one you love for your collective misfortune, but people in love don’t blame, castigate, or chastise each other in challenging times. The truth is, there usually is no one to blame for the situation. Someone has to take care of the children and the job just fell to you.
4. Don’t wallow in self-pity; it is a wasted emotion. No problem has ever been solved by feeling sorry for yourself or your situation. Trying to pretend you are the perfect super human while you are totally overwhelmed, can only result in the wasted emotion of self-pity and even more stress. Successful couples grab the bull by the horns and work for solutions – recognizing that running a household is not easy. Making a family work is, clearly, difficult even in the best of times and even more challenging when you are the caregiver for your children.
5. Enhance your love relationship by providing each other occasional time for privacy and aloneness. The recognition of the absolute need for privacy and aloneness is, in our judgment after analyzing thousands of interviews, critical to successful marriages. The amount of time available to satisfy these two needs varies from one marriage to another and from one marriage partner to another, and can increase during times of stress. We live such hectic lives at work, at home and when raising children that the time to be alone with our own thoughts is paramount to our ability to engage in any meaningful communication with each other. The quality of communication can only be enhanced between the two of you after refreshing your mind and spirit with alone time. You have to belong to yourself before you can belong to others.
You brought your children into this world with the greatest of love and now you have to balance all of the stresses they bring to your marriage. Your children won’t be with your forever, so enjoy them while you can. Believe it or not they grow up oh so quickly. Cherish those precious moments with your children but remember that — the quality of the relationship between mom and dad trumps everything else.
Simple Things Matter in love and marriage. Love well!
By Dr. Charles D. Schmitz and Dr. Elizabeth A. Schmitz
*For more tips to enhance your relationship get the Doctor’s best-selling and multiple-award winning book Building a Love that Lasts: The Seven Surprising Secrets of Successful Marriage (Jossey-Bass/Wiley 2010) Available wherever books are sold.
Winner of the INDIE Book Awards GOLD Medal for Best Relationship Book
Winner of the Mom’s Choice Awards GOLD Medal for Most Outstanding Relationships and Marriage Book
Nautilus Book Awards Winner for Relationships

Married or Not: Growing Old by Yourself Can be Lonely

By America’s #1 Love and Marriage Experts.
Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well. (Tommy, age 6)
Our recent marriage interviews in Southern California brought our attention again to the two undeniable truths of life – growing old is a blessing (consider the alternative!) and spending your old age by yourself is the loneliest place to be on Earth. You can take both truths of life to the bank! Our thirty years of research across the globe substantiates for us the wisdom of these words.
First, we digress. We have been married for 46 years. We not only know about how to make our own marriage work, we know how others make theirs work. Thirty years of research and our own marriage has taught us much.
We have studied marriage in all 50 states of the Union, in 47 countries, and on all 7 continents of the world. We hear many consistent responses to the Marriage Interview we have conducted with thousands of successfully married couples around the world. We have reported our findings in our book, Building a Love that Lasts and in our many articles on the Internet in a variety of venues.
Our research findings tell us that there are seven pervasive characteristics present in all successful marriages, irrespective of culture, ethnicity, continent, or economic station in life. You’ll have to read our book to find out what they are.
In this article, we are focused only on the notion of growing old and on the enormous benefits of having someone to share your old age with.
In our interview protocol we asked many revealing questions. There are three questions that tell us the most about the importance of aging together with someone you love.
First and foremost is this – Can you imagine life without your spouse? The answer we get from successfully married couples is always the same – NO!
The second incredibly important question is this – If you had to choose, who on Earth would you rather spend your exclusive time with? Again, the answer is always the same – My spouse.
The third and final question is, perhaps, the most telling of all – Who is your best friend? Over the past 30 years, the overwhelming response has been, My spouse.
So, we ask you this – are you ready to spend your life without a best friend, without the one person you’d rather be with than anyone else, and without someone who cannot imagine life without you? Think about it!
Here’s the deal – we are getting sick and tired of women who tell us they don’t need someone to spend their life with. We are growing very weary of men who tell us they will just grow old by themselves, content with hanging out with their beer-drinking buddies. And the list of our irritations grows!
The simple and unadulterated truth is this – when you are young, you don’t think about getting old. You don’t think about being alone. Shoot, you don’t think about much of anything beyond your life TODAY! And honestly, we are sorry to be so direct, but the truth is the truth. Seeing the future is not something most young people do. To them, eternal youngness is their frame of reference.
But here is the reality – if you get old, you’re lucky; if you have a best friend, you possess one of life’s blessings; and if you have someone in your life you cannot imagine being without – whom you would rather spend your time with more than anyone else on Earth – then you have achieved the nirvana of your life! You have found your positive place in life.
Now we come full circle. Is living your life alone what you want or desire? Do you really want to grow old by yourself? The negative trends are ominous, but hope springs eternal for those who are married or who get married.
Marriage is in decline in America. By 2008, marriage among adults had dropped to 52% according to the Pew Charitable Trust. In 1960 this number stood at 72%. And Blacks (32%) are much less likely to be married than Whites (56%). And worse yet, the decline of marriage among Blacks is more than twice that of Whites over the past several decades.
In the final analysis, married couples in the USA are on the verge of no longer being a majority according to the U.S. Census Bureau. In our estimation, that is a sad situation for a whole variety of reasons. Primary among them is this – this downward trend in marriage is the terrible precursor of loneliness in America for senior citizens – for those lucky enough to grow old.
Loneliness among seniors is of epidemic proportions. Yet, loneliness is so utterly and completely unavoidable. Living alone in old age is not a pretty state of being – it is not a desirable place to be.
Unfortunately, there are many amongst us who think that they don’t need to be married to be happy. They think they don’t need an intimate other in their life. Too many people are under the illusion that they don’t need somebody in their life to lean on, to share life’s burdens with, and to hold on to during the end of time.
Too many people think getting old is an illusion. Too many people cannot come to grips with the fact that everybody needs somebody sometime.
The many, many happily married couples we have interviewed tell us how blessed they are to have someone to share life with, particularly in old age. Those of you who think you can weather life’s storms by yourself in the latter stages of life are only deluding yourselves. Those who think marriage is passé are fools. Those who think they can weather the storms of old age by themselves are delusional. Everybody needs somebody.
Living life alone is not a good option for most. Think about it. Loneliness at the end of days, sucks!
In love and marriage the simple things matter.
By Dr. Charles D. Schmitz and Dr. Elizabeth A. Schmitz
For %0A” rel=”nofollow”>marriage advice and hundreds of practical tips, get your own copy of the Doctor’s best-selling and multiple-award winning book Building a Love that Lasts : The Seven Surprising Secrets of Successful Marriage (Jossey-Bass/Wiley) Available wherever books are sold.

The Ten Essential Virtues of Love

By America’s #1 Love and Marriage Experts.
This morning, a great friend of ours sent along an article that we were really taken with. For those who have read our book, Building a Love that Lasts (Jossey-Bass/Wiley 2010), you may recall a chapter entitled, A Tribute to Lasting Love (pp. 259-262). In this chapter we highlighted the wonderful six-decade marriage of Sandy and Pris, whom we had interviewed for our book.
Over the years, Sandy and Pris have been advocates for character education for young people. They have been very philanthropic when it comes to this passion of theirs.
As we thought about the article by Dr. Tom Lickona based in his book entitled Character Matters: How to Help our Children Develop Good Judgment, Integrity, and Other Essential Virtues (Simon & Schuster 2004), we were struck by the similarity of the virtues he believes essential for strong character and the virtues we have discovered in our research over the years about successful loving relationships.
1. The first essential virtue highlighted by Dr. Lickona is wisdom. According to Tom, wisdom is the master virtue that directs all others. Wisdom tells us how to put the other virtues into practice – when to act, how to act, and how to balance different virtues when they conflict such as telling the honest truth even when it might hurt someone’s feelings. We refer to this notion often in our book when we speak of the importance of honesty in our relationships with those we love.
2. The second virtue is justice according to Dr. Lickona. Justice means respecting the rights of all persons. In our book, we refer to this virtue as the Golden Rule – mutual love and respect for each other.
3. The third virtue is fortitude. According to Lickona, fortitude enables us to do what is right in the face of difficulty. Or, more succinctly, doing the hard right instead of the easy wrong. As we discuss in our book, all successful loving relationships have hard times, great challenges, and failures. More importantly, however, those whose love lasts a lifetime have overcome the challenges in life and have been strengthened by them. Overcoming these challenges together makes for a stronger and even more loving relationship. Fortitude is the strength to carry on even when we find it hard in our relationships to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
4. Self-Control is the fourth virtue. In its simplest terms, self-control is the ability and the strength to govern ourselves – to control our temper and to regulate our appetites and passions. It is as Lickona says, the power to resist temptation. All marriages and loving relationships have their temptations. Trust us on that. The successful couples don’t act on their temptations; hence, they survive and thrive. Read the chapter in Building a Love that Lasts entitled Character in Love and Marriage (pp. 9-11).
5. The fifth virtue according to Lickona is love – the willingness to sacrifice for the sake of another. Successful loving relationships quickly learn that their relationship is not about you or me. It is about we and us. We write about these notions extensively in our book. Suffice it to say, people who are truly in love do not spend their time finding fault with each other – they do not spend their time putting down or belittling each other. They find strength in the virtues of each other. They love each other in the truest sense of the word.
6. As the purveyors of positive love, we really like Lickona’s sixth virtue – positive attitude. We once heard a speaker say, If you frown, you frown alone, but a smile is infectious! Maintaining a positive attitude is a great virtue. Who wants to be around negative people? Successful loving relationships work like this as well. If your spouse or your lover is always in a negative mood you will work hard not to be around them. The choice of being negative or positive is ours. Choose positive!
7. Hard work is the seventh indispensable virtue according to Lickona. If you want to be successful in love and life you must work hard. Nothing worth having in a relationship comes easy. You must earn it. Love is something you earn. As we say all the time, the simple things required to make love work take lots of hard work, day in and day out, throughout the life of the loving relationship.
8. Our favorite virtue is integrity. As Lickona says, Integrity is adhering to moral principle, being faithful to moral conscience, keeping your word, and standing up for what we believe. In love and marriage, you don’t cheat on the one you love! You don’t lie to the one you love. You are faithful to the one you love. There are no exceptions to this basic virtue. To truly love someone is to tell the truth to them and to yourself.
9. Dr. Lickona reminds us that Gratitude is often described as the secret of a happy life. We would offer that gratitude is the secret of a successful loving relationship. We must show gratitude for the one we purport to love. We should always take the time to thank those we love for their support, their understanding, their sacrifice for us, and for their love. Always show your gratitude to the one you love. They will love you for it!
10. And finally, the tenth virtue according to Dr. Lickona is humility. Humility makes us aware of our imperfections and leads us to become a better person. And like in love and marriage, humility enables us to take responsibility for our faults and failings (rather than blaming someone else), apologize for them, and seek to make amends. To be truly in love in our opinion requires us to recognize that we are not the center of the universe – that the world does not revolve around us. People who are truly in love, learn from each other, they respect each other, they value each other, and they recognize that in the best loving relationships, personal humility allows us to understand the simple notion that trying to prove you are right when you are clearly wrong, is not a virtue. Trying to win a senseless and pointless argument is not a virtue. It is good to be humble!
We would encourage you to read more of Dr. Lickona’s work and you will see as we do that his essential virtues are, in many ways, a mirror of our seven surprising secrets of a successful marriage.
Simple Things Matter in love and marriage. Love well!
By Dr. Charles D. Schmitz and Dr. Elizabeth A. Schmitz
For more tips to enhance your relationship get the Doctor’s best-selling and multiple-award winning book Building a Love that Lasts: The Seven Surprising Secrets of Successful Marriage (Jossey-Bass/Wiley 2010) Available wherever books are sold.
Winner of the INDIE Book Awards GOLD Medal for Best Relationship Book
Winner of the 2009 Mom’s Choice Awards GOLD Medal for Most Outstanding Relationships and Marriage Book
2009 Nautilus Book Awards Winner for Relationships

Being married to a functioning alcoholic can cause many problems in a family. Tens of thousands of families in North America alone are struggling with this issue.


A drinking problem can begin in many ways. For some people it begins with social drinking. Social drinking can gradually deteriorate into alcohol abuse and eventually into alcohol dependence. The drinking became a habit and the habit became alcohol dependence or alcoholism. It matters not whether the alcohol is in the form of beer, wine or hard liquor. Alcohol is alcohol in any shape or form. read more

Women Can Effectively Manage Work And Home

Women are more dexterous and dynamic when it comes to managing office work and house chores. They have assignments to complete at work despite having a sick child at home, check their children’s school work, handle several concurrent tasks at the office, create a good atmosphere at home and manage household chores. At the start, women are energetic and bustling with vim and vigor but after a while, it can become exasperating and difficult to maintain such a hectic schedule. She will feel the effects creeping into her and she may start responding in a negative manner.

Balance your work

Multitasking is common among women. They have to handle concurrent tasks such as taking care of the child, cooking and cleaning the house. This is just the house work and can become more complex once you include their office work, such as taking calls, making reservations, typing letters and attending to office visitors. Women get accustomed to this scenario but when it starts turning to stress and tension, and then it’s time to call a halt to the multifarious activities. Take stock of the work you do at home and see if you can delegate it to other people or set a more relaxed schedule to handle it. Cleaning the house can be done by house help. It may be cheaper to hire help rather than exert yourself to the extreme. You can use the time to handle other house chores more effectively or use the time to bond with your family. Relaxing and taking it easy is a good way to get rid of your stress and tension.

People have to eat regularly and cooking food can be a tedious daily chore. Use the week end to cook all the food you need for the week. It’s easier to do all your cooking at one sitting. Work out the menu for the week and cook the food one at a time. Washing pots and pans are also done during one sitting and can save a lot of time during the weekdays. It feels good coming home from work and not having to slave over an oven cooking dinner for the family.

Talk to your spouse about splitting the house work. There are house chores that require some strength and can be easily handled by the man rather than a woman. Set up car pools with your neighbors if they have children going to the same school. You can also make arrangements with a shuttle or school bus. Do an inventory of the house chores and prioritize them based on frequency. There may be chores that can be done weekly or monthly. Some chores like spring cleaning or putting up storm windows are seasonal. Set a calendar so you don’t miss out on the chores. Once you stop doing a chore, there is a tendency to forget about it and it may completely slip your mind.

If you handle your daily routine well, there will not be any stress or tension in completing the work. Try to keep the work to the basic essentials. Allocate a certain number of hours for your house work. Remember you have to get ready and go to office so time management is vital in your chores.

Handling tension

Stress and tension can be motivators in getting the jobs done. A person will react and finish their work if they know there is a deadline. Knowing that the boss is expecting the reports first thing in the morning can make a person work extra hard to get the job done on time. If their children have exams, they will take extra time to review them and make sure they understand their lessons. Tension can rise high because children do not realize the importance of the exams and might not have the same concern in studying for it. The woman has to exert more effort to get the children to study their lessons rather than play and watch television. The husband can play an active role in making sure the children do their assignments.

When stressed out, take it easy for a few moments. Take a breather and relax for a while. Clear your mind and keep calm. Once you are relaxed, you will be in a better position to review your problems and work out solutions to them. If things start piling up at the same time, list down all the things that are pending and determine their priorities. People expect you to do all the tasks but there is only so much that can be done concurrently. The other tasks will have to be settled sequentially. Keep your energy up. Take small meals frequently during the day. This will help keep out the hunger pangs and keep your energy level high. Keep careful watch over your health. Maintaining a healthy well being is essential in keeping pace with the hectic work in the office and at home. Perform regular exercises to keep in shape.

Keep a list of the chores in your leather briefcase in an organized and orderly manner. You can refer to them every time you are at a loss on what tasks have to be done at home. Keep your office papers neatly in your briefcase. When you get to office, you will have an easier time settling down and starting your office work with all your office work neatly filed in the briefcase.

Take time to go shopping and spend a day at the spa. There are instances when you simply have to stop your hectic work and just take time off to relax and take it easy.

By America’s #1 Love and Marriage Experts.


Don’t you just hate bullies! They try to get what they want by bullying you, by intimidating you, and by making you feel inferior to them. If you are like us, this NEVER works! Yet, so many good folks succumb to the bully. And we wonder why? read more

Having Children Is Not The Purpose of Marriage

By America’s #1 Love and Marriage Experts.
In the last several years a great deal has been reported about the purpose of marriage, lamenting the fact that Americans no longer consider children among the most important purposes of marriage. While most experts are concluding that this is a negative change, we would like to offer a different perspective based on our two and one-half decades of research on successful marriage.
For the past 26 years we have conducted interviews with successfully married couples representing the collective wisdom of over 15,000 years of successful marriage in some forty countries on five continents of the world! We have reported the results of our exhaustive research in our multiple award-winning book entitled Golden Anniversaries: The Seven Secrets of Successful Marriage and in our new book (due out in mid-year 2009), entitled Simple Things Matter in Love and Marriage. Our principal conclusion based on those interviews – marriage is alive and well.
In fact, we have found seven pervasive characteristics present in all successful marriages. And guess what – the quality of the relationship between husband and wife trumps everything else in a marriage!
And you know why? It’s simple, really. Without a positive, loving, and thriving relationship between mom and dad, children often don’t prosper, they are not well-adjusted, they don’t do well in school, and they are not as healthy, both physically and mentally.
In all of our interviews over the years with couples that have a long and successful marriage, not one of them ever mentioned that the purpose of their marriage was to have children. Oh, to be sure, they loved their children very much if they had them. They were delighted that they brought children into this world and were very proud of them for the most part. But they also reported to us time and time again that it was the strength of their relationship with each other that made their marriage happy and allowed them to attend to all the myriad of responsibilities and issues present in their marriage.
Marriages thrive and survive more than anything else because of the quality of the relationship between mom and dad. It’s no more complicated than that.
Let’s look at the facts – 73%, some three-fourths, of women 30 years old and older are currently married or widowed in the United States of America. Most importantly, over 90% of all women will have been married at least once by the time they reach the age of 50.
The truth is, American’s love marriage! We just need to learn how to get it right the first time around instead of having nearly four out of every ten of our marriages end in divorce. And the simple truth is, two-thirds of those that re-marry after divorce get divorced again. Nearly 75% who get married a third time get divorced.
So you see, the relationship between mom and dad does trump everything else. Get it right and good things follow. Get it wrong and lots of bad things often happen!
A women quoted in a recent Washington Post article got it right when she said, “When I think of marriage I don’t think of children at all. I have them. But with marriage, I think of a husband and a wife, and I don’t think it’s the children that make it work.”
The purpose of marriage within the historical and social context is strengthened when the focus is on the development of a strong, positive, and blissful relationship between husband and wife. That relationship trumps everything else. Make this relationship work and everything else follows.
The Simple Things Matter in love and marriage. Love well!
By Dr. Charles D. Schmitz and Dr. Elizabeth A. Schmitz
Authors of Golden Anniversaries: The Seven Secrets of Successful Marriage
Winner of the INDIE Book Awards GOLD Medal for Best Relationship Book
Winner of the 2009 Mom’s Choice Awards GOLD Medal for Most Outstanding Relationships and Marriage Book

Lie, Steal and Cheat Your Way to Love

By America’s #1 Love and Marriage Experts.
Okay, we admit it – our favorite new love-story movie is Leap Year (2010). We simply love the movie and have now watched it three times! The movie speaks to many of the research findings we have found over the three decades we have researched successful marriage and relationships on six of the world’s seven continents.
We are particularly enamored with the movie because it is filmed in Ireland and we recently spent a week there interviewing successfully married couples. Ireland is a beautiful country with wonderful people. We took a ton of photos, and many of our photos were of places featured in the movie.
If you are interested, you can see the iTunes movie trailer for Leap Year.
A number of the scenes in the movie are places we visited during our stay in the Emerald Isle described in one of our blogs from Ireland.
One of our favorite lines in the movie went something like this – Can you lie, cheat, and steal your way to love. And before you start getting all worked up over this line, we offer you the punch line that went like this – you can lie if you lie next to me; you can steal if you steal my heart; and you can cheat if you cheat death.
We have to admit to loving those notions! And here is what they mean in a nutshell.
1. You can lie if you lie next to me. The notion we have discovered about great marriages around the world is the essence of great love – two people in love join together to form one without losing their individual identities. Make no mistake about it, when you find the person of your dreams you will always want to be with them and have them by your side. There is something wonderful and remarkable about having a soulmate – about having someone who lies next to you while you sleep – someone who makes you feel secure and cozy because you share a bed with someone you love completely and who loves you unconditionally.
2. You can steal if you steal my heart. Being in love requires one to be vulnerable. Let’s face it; giving of yourself to another human being without conditions and with great vulnerability is not an easy thing to do! But one thing is for certain – when you fall in love completely, and you do it for a lifetime, you will do it without conditions. Stealing someone’s heart and having someone steal yours is one of the great heists of life! Enjoy it!
3. You can cheat if you cheat death. One of the important lessons we have learned in our research over this years is this – successfully married people cannot imagine life without their spouse. Near the end of our interview protocol we ask this question, Can you imagine life without your spouse? The answer is always the same – NO! People in love for a lifetime know that their life is only complete when they are with their spouse. They know that their life cannot continue to be complete without spending it with the one they have loved for a lifetime. Death changes everything! People in love want to cheat death for as long as they can because life is unimaginable without each other.
You see, you can lie, cheat, and steal in your marriage – under the proper conditions, of course!
Simple Things Matter in love and marriage. Love well!
By Dr. Charles D. Schmitz and Dr. Elizabeth A. Schmitz
For more tips to enhance your relationship get the Doctor’s best-selling and multiple-award winning book Building a Love that Lasts: The Seven Surprising Secrets of Successful Marriage (Jossey-Bass/Wiley 2010) Available wherever books are sold.
Winner of the INDIE Book Awards GOLD Medal for Best Relationship Book
Winner of the 2009 Mom’s Choice Awards GOLD Medal for Most Outstanding Relationships and Marriage Book
2009 Nautilus Book Awards Winner for Relationships

Men And Depression After Divorce

A new study by Statistics Canada shows that men are more likely to suffer depression than women in the two years after a marriage or common-law relationship breaks up. The longitudinal data from the National Population Health Survey showed that men, aged 20-64, were six times more likely to report an episode of depression than men who were still married. Compare that to women, aged 20-64, were only 3.5 times more likely to report depression than women who were married. It seems that being the strong, silent type isn’t such a good strategy after all.
Interestingly, the study isolated out factors that could account for depression, such as loss of income, reduced social support and fewer children living in the household, to see if any of these things explained the depression. Even taking those important factors out, men were depressed simply because of the divorce itself. While most people worked through their depression within two years after the break-up, a significant minority were still depressed four years afterwards.
I found it interesting to see that men appear to be hit harder emotionally than women. In my experience, women certainly are more adept and willing to process and express their emotions. The vast majority of my clients are women and many of my coaching colleagues have that experience as well. Men are socialized to be the provider and problem solver of the family. They don’t have as extensive a social support network as women to support them in their divorce journey.
We’ve all heard about how men need to retreat to their cave at times. Quite often, men will jump straight into another new relationship as a way to cope with the loss, only to find that the same issues and unresolved needs surface yet again with the new partner. As the saying goes, If you can’t feel it, you can’t heal it. Starting a new relationship when you have unhealed emotional wounds is setting you, and your potential partner, up for a rocky ride.
So what’s a guy to do? I just so happen to have a few suggestions!
1. Talk It Out
Don’t suffer in silence. Reach out and find a divorce buddy you can really pour your heart out to. There are support groups specifically for men in many communities now. I just heard of one where every week men of all ages and marital status get together in a park and gather around a campfire, sharing their stories and simply listening to the others. A divorce coach or therapist can be a great resource, too.
2. Take a Time Out
Here’s a big tip: Take time to get to know yourself before jumping into the next serious relationship. Like an earthquake, divorce sends shock waves through your entire life. Give yourself time to let any aftershocks settle down before you rush out to lock into a new relationship. Make the investment to heal yourself upfront, and you’ll improve your odds of a successful future relationship significantly.
3. Women Love Vulnerable Men
There’s nothing more appealing to many women than a man who’s willing to be vulnerable and emotionally accessible. Drop the macho I can tough it out persona and let us see and feel your heart. Being real and authentic are critical for creating connected, loving relationships.

The Trials and Tribulations of Having Children in a Marriage

By America’s #1 Love and Marriage Experts.
One of the many important caveats about marriage is this – children change the dynamics of a marriage. Make no mistake about that.
Kids! We love them. We cherish them. They bring joy to our lives. When we have children in a marriage, we understand finally, and once and for all, what eternity means. While we are not immortal, we learn the meaning of everlasting life when we are blessed with children. They make us feel like we will live through time. We carry on through them. We know that through them our lives will have meaning beyond our time on this earth.
But our children are also a pain in the butt! They challenge us. They taunt us. They demand much from us. They argue with us. They divide us. They unite us. They run up one heck of a child-care bill!
On the other hand, most %0A” rel=”nofollow”>successful marriages with children wouldn’t want it any other way. They know that without a doubt, their children enrich their lives in innumerable ways. They value their children immensely. But be clear regarding this – successfully married couples with children understand the challenges they pose to a blissful and romantic marital relationship.
You thought your marriage was nearly perfect — And Then…Along Came Kids. To quote Nora Ephron in Heartburn: Having a first child is like throwing a hand grenade into a marriage. When you are responsible for the care of your children you will, without a doubt, take on some enormous stresses.
After more than 32 years of research around the world interviewing successfully married couples, one of our principal conclusions is – the quality of the relationship between husband and wife trumps everything else in a marriage! Get it right and good things follow. Get it wrong and lots of bad things often happen!
And you know why? Without a positive, loving, and thriving relationship between mom and dad, children often don’t prosper, they are not well-adjusted, they don’t do well in school, and they are not as healthy, both physically and mentally.
Our research over the years suggests that there are a number of useful tips that you can use to not only deal with the enormous stress of caregiving, but also strengthen your marriage at the same time. These tips appear on the surface to be simple, but in love, marriage and raising children the Simple Things Matter.
Tips for Parents to Strengthen Your Marriage:
1. Share openly with each other about feelings, emotions and stresses as they relate to caring for your children. In times of stress the tendency is to keep everything bottled up inside or explode at the slightest disagreement. However, this approach will not work if you want your %0A” rel=”nofollow”>marriage to survive and thrive. In successful marriages there are No Sacred Cows. Simply speaking, happily married couples talk about everything. All subjects are fair game. They trust each other. They rely on each other’s good judgment. They depend upon each other for truth and straight talk. They share insights about everything—the good, the bad and the ugly. They are each other’s best friends.
2. Make a conscious effort to keep the flame of your love affair alive with each other everyday. Can you rattle off a list of activities, topics and places you and your spouse include in your personal book of fun and romance? Have you found what clears your mind and gives you an unobstructed view of your world together? What type of priority do you place on making time for fun and romance with each other in your hectic lives? If you cannot answer these questions easily, you need to start today by carving out time to have a romantic date with each other, bring home flowers, get a hotel room, go for a long walk together, drink a bottle of wine watching the sunset, write a love note, and snuggle or in bed a little longer in the morning.
3. Don’t blame each other when things get tough, as casting blame never solved a problem. The blame game doesn’t work in love and marriage. It is destructive. There is a natural tendency in tough times to blame the one you love for your collective misfortune, but people in love don’t blame, castigate, or chastise each other in challenging times. The truth is, there usually is no one to blame for the situation. Someone has to take care of the children and the job just fell to you.
4. Don’t wallow in self-pity; it is a wasted emotion. No problem has ever been solved by feeling sorry for yourself or your situation. Trying to pretend you are the perfect super mom while you are totally overwhelmed can only result in the wasted emotion of self-pity and even more stress. Successful couples grab the bull by the horns and work for solutions – recognizing that running a household is not easy. Making a family work is, clearly, difficult even in the best of times and even more challenging when you are the caregiver for your children.
5. Enhance your love relationship by providing each other occasional time for privacy and aloneness. The recognition of the absolute need for privacy and aloneness is, in our judgment after analyzing thousands of interviews, critical to successful marriages. The amount of time available to satisfy these two needs varies from one marriage to another and from one marriage partner to another, and can increase during times of stress. We live such hectic lives at work, at home and when raising children that the time to be alone with our own thoughts is paramount to our ability to engage in any meaningful communication with each other. The quality of communication can only be enhanced between the two of you after refreshing your mind and spirit with alone time. You have to belong to yourself before you can belong to others. Unfortunately, moms spend so much time caring for others that they don’t take the time to realize their own needs. You can’t take good care of others if you don’t take good care of yourself.
You brought your children into this world with the greatest of love and now you have to balance all of the stresses they bring to your marriage. Your children won’t be with your forever, so enjoy them while you can. Believe it or not they grow up oh so quickly. Cherish those precious moments with your children but remember that — the quality of the relationship between mom and dad trumps everything else.
Creating a %0A” rel=”nofollow”>successful marriage is not always the easiest thing to do. Your visiting our blog suggests you are highly interested in making your marriage work! And truthfully, we have learned over 30 years of marriage research that there are proven effective ways to ensure a happy and healthy marriage. In fact, we took hundreds of tips from the thousands of happy couples we interviewed and put them into our award-winning and bestselling book, Building a Love that Lasts .
Today, you can see how you stack up to the best marriages around the world. Take the Marriage Quiz to assess your chances of achieving a successful marriage of your own and buy How to How to Marry the Right Guy, to find out if your guy has the essential 33 characteristics to be a great husband.
In love and marriage the simple things matter. Love well!
By Drs. Charles and Elizabeth Schmitz
America’s #1 Love and Marriage Experts

Worries Men Have About Marriage

Right before getting hitched, all men will have to deal with their worries. They can differ from each guy, and it doesn’t help that men don’t open up and talk about their fears. They are often what are preventing him from proposing, or even getting married. If you could understand them and help them, then conceivably it would free him in taking the next step ahead in the relationship. So here are some worries men worry about before becoming engaged.
Is there someone better out there?
Many individuals grow up conceiving in the concept of a one true love, finding the soul mate. One of his worries may be that he hasn’t met her yet, and that he might be making the misstep of passing by her, or meeting her after getting hitched.
Men need to realize that soul mates aren’t so much met, as they are made. Relationships take time, commitment, and sweat to make beautiful. They aren’t just walked upon, so he can quit looking outwards to find her, but look inwards to growing one with you.
When the marriage is over, things aren’t as good
Marriage is one of the last expected highlights people look to in life. So the anticipation that all things in life go sour and get less involved from there is connected to getting married. This is an anxiety he could be going through and why he hesitates to commit.
It’s unjust that this myth is blamed on weddings. The myth should really be blamed on people who let their lives get so dull. The only way all things go sour from there, is if people let it happen. People need adventurous goals in their lives to live rewarding and thrilling lives and this is the single thing that will prevent a boring life. A woman can help that change.
She will change
Because he’s devoted to the relationship, she will change, she will let things change and perhaps the way she treats him will be different as well.
Let him understand that if she hasn’t already changed or let things slide after dating him for such a long time, she isn’t about to change after marriage. They’re just his fears playing in his mind.
Will I still have personal space?
Men don’t like being crowded. In relationships they demand to continue their individuality and be presented their own free time and space, more so than women do. One of his worries is that his spouse will overcrowd him and reject him his private zone after they’re married. What’s worse is that throughout the planning periods of the engagement where much of his focus is necessary, he can imagine this as how life together is going to be and the amount of his attention will be needed.
Grant him to take a break from the arrangements from time to time and don’t go into his personal space too often. Never forget that designing weddings for guys isn’t as exciting as women find it. Giving him the distance he wants will show him that you see his need for room and that you are willing to take care of his wants for the rest of his life.
Will the relationship change?
He has noticed it in like couples that have gotten wed. He’s seen how it seems when the honeymoon phase is complete. Some spouses end up hating and fighting with one another. One of his fears is that your feelings for each other will be altered after getting married.
Keeping in mind the unsavory things can be a lot simpler to remember than the best experiences. Suggest to him that there are couples that make it, and have stimulating and satisfying lives. All dates take commitment, experience, and dedication. Let him realize that his engagement is not in the hands of destiny alone, but in his hands and will develop as much as he wants and puts in the time.
No longer free to make his own choices
After committing to marriage his obligations and devotion will no longer be only for himself, they will become for his wife. If children come eventually, he will have even less time and strength for personal use. His anxiety is that more and more of his life is disappearing from his hands as he takes these steps in a new direction.
Explain to him that as much as he spends time and energy to his wife and children, they will be the ones handing it back to him, in the form of; bliss, love, purpose, and accomplishment in life. He won’t just be pouring out without receiving anything in trade; he will be receiving from the very individuals he contributes to, which is what love is all about.
What about his freedom?
His friends have probably joked around with him about how life for him is over, how he can’t have independence or time to himself. This can create an anxiety that he will have no free-will after getting wed, that his decisions will be left up to his woman.
There is a price in getting wed, and there are sacrifices that are joined along with engagements. However, what was left out of that strand of reflection is that there are benefits that come with it as well. Where he sacrifices his single life, there is much to look up to in a joint lifestyle. Remind him of the happily married guys he knows.
We know that men can be stubborn when it comes to being open about their fears. Understanding what he is concerned about in getting married will help us comprehend how he thinks. Learning how to answer his fears can help calm them. Through proper talking you may be able to make him to take the next steps upward in a relationship.
More Interesting Articles to Read:
Reasons Why He Broke Up Without a Reason
What men want

By America’s #1 Love and Marriage Experts.


Today is a day to remember! Our publisher officially released our multiple award-winning book in paperback! Our labor of love – our heart’s work for the past 26+ years – has come to fruition in a format that will reach even more people. read more