Why Women Leave Their Husbands – The Top Four Reasons

Marriages just don’t last in the United States today, and it’s a shame to see a good thing go to waste. If you take a time and see why women leave husbands, you’ll realize that most of the problems that cause it can be resolved if you are willing to put some efforts into it. Below are the top four reasons on why women leave husbands and what you can do when you notice the signs. read more

One time in a land far away a client asked me if I could help her save her 15-year marriage.

Her husband was threatening to leave her, was stonewalling and was generally emotionally cold, but she said he was willing to see me. I worked with him for several months, and they stayed together.
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Will Your Next Marriage be Better?

It’s time for me to move on. I’ve learned so much – I just know that next time it will be better.
Our new relationship has a great chance, because we’ve both been married before and have learned a lot. We know that this time around we will do it so much better.
Is this true? Apparently not!
According to research by Jennifer Baker, of the Forest Institute of Professional Psychology in Springfield, Missouri, while 50% of first marriages end in divorce, 67% of second marriages and 74% of third marriages end in divorce.
Is this surprising?
From my experience, most people who end their marriages have not learned what they need to learn, so they take their same fears and insecurities, and their resulting controlling and self-abandoning behaviors, with them into their second and third marriages. Of course, eventually they create the same or similar relationship system.
Most people who leave marriages believe that the problem is mostly their partner. But relationships are systems, with both people participating in the system. If you are not aware of the overt and subtle ways you control and abandon yourself in your relationship, then you will take all your wounded behaviors with you into your next relationship.
The thing is, we keep attracting the same kind of person, as long as we are the same kind of person.
I’ve long maintained that leaving a marriage before you have dealt with your own controlling and self-abandoning behaviors is often a waste of time (unless you are in physical and emotional danger). Now the research on marriage proves this to be true. If partners were devoted to healing their controlling, self-abandoning wounded selves, the divorce statistics would go way down – for first, second and third marriages.
The Real Issue Behind These Statistics
Self-abandonment leads to trying to control your partner into giving you the attention and approval you are not giving to yourself. There is little possibility of sharing love, fun, and passion with your partner when your intent is to have control over getting love and to avoid both the pain of your own self-abandonment, and the inevitable loneliness and heartache that exist in all relationships to varying degrees. Until your intent changes from protecting/controlling to learning to love yourself and sharing your love with your partner, you will keep creating the same relationship dynamics over and over.
Ryan consulted with me because the love of his life – the woman he thought he would spend the rest of his life with, left him after an intense six-month courtship. Both Ryan and Roz had been married before. In fact, Ron had been married three times before. Both in their early 60s, their relationship seemed made in heaven. They could laugh and play together, and the chemistry between them was intense.
Roz was a giver, who had learned to give everything in relationships – and would then feel engulfed and trapped. Ryan was a taker, and was so enthralled by Roz’s giving that it didn’t take him long to completely abandon responsibility for his feelings and wellbeing, making Roz responsible for him.
Roz, not knowing how to articulate her feelings of engulfment, or how to take loving care of herself in the face of Ryan’s pull on her, abruptly ended the relationship. That’s when Ryan called.
The point here is that neither Ryan nor Roz had dealt with their wounded selves. Both were abandoning themselves and, in different ways, trying to have control over getting love and avoiding pain. Their relationship was fantastic at the beginning, before their wounded selves got triggered. It’s sad that Roz wasn’t willing to work on her end of the relationship system, and it’s hopeful that Ryan, now working on his, will heal enough so that he won’t repeat this system again.

Men And Depression After Divorce

A new study by Statistics Canada shows that men are more likely to suffer depression than women in the two years after a marriage or common-law relationship breaks up. The longitudinal data from the National Population Health Survey showed that men, aged 20-64, were six times more likely to report an episode of depression than men who were still married. Compare that to women, aged 20-64, were only 3.5 times more likely to report depression than women who were married. It seems that being the strong, silent type isn’t such a good strategy after all.
Interestingly, the study isolated out factors that could account for depression, such as loss of income, reduced social support and fewer children living in the household, to see if any of these things explained the depression. Even taking those important factors out, men were depressed simply because of the divorce itself. While most people worked through their depression within two years after the break-up, a significant minority were still depressed four years afterwards.
I found it interesting to see that men appear to be hit harder emotionally than women. In my experience, women certainly are more adept and willing to process and express their emotions. The vast majority of my clients are women and many of my coaching colleagues have that experience as well. Men are socialized to be the provider and problem solver of the family. They don’t have as extensive a social support network as women to support them in their divorce journey.
We’ve all heard about how men need to retreat to their cave at times. Quite often, men will jump straight into another new relationship as a way to cope with the loss, only to find that the same issues and unresolved needs surface yet again with the new partner. As the saying goes, If you can’t feel it, you can’t heal it. Starting a new relationship when you have unhealed emotional wounds is setting you, and your potential partner, up for a rocky ride.
So what’s a guy to do? I just so happen to have a few suggestions!
1. Talk It Out
Don’t suffer in silence. Reach out and find a divorce buddy you can really pour your heart out to. There are support groups specifically for men in many communities now. I just heard of one where every week men of all ages and marital status get together in a park and gather around a campfire, sharing their stories and simply listening to the others. A divorce coach or therapist can be a great resource, too.
2. Take a Time Out
Here’s a big tip: Take time to get to know yourself before jumping into the next serious relationship. Like an earthquake, divorce sends shock waves through your entire life. Give yourself time to let any aftershocks settle down before you rush out to lock into a new relationship. Make the investment to heal yourself upfront, and you’ll improve your odds of a successful future relationship significantly.
3. Women Love Vulnerable Men
There’s nothing more appealing to many women than a man who’s willing to be vulnerable and emotionally accessible. Drop the macho I can tough it out persona and let us see and feel your heart. Being real and authentic are critical for creating connected, loving relationships.

Why Women Leave Men – The Shocking Truth About Why Women Leave Men

So why do women leave men? Well, the reasons are usually much different than why men leave women.

For example, while men crave respect women crave appreciation. There is usually a strong misconception among men that women are usually like a classic motor car, that is, high maintenance but this is really not the case.

If only men realized that keeping their women happy just required a little consistent appreciation then they wouldn’t be going into damage control when the crunch comes and they leave.

You’ve got to understand, women in the main are loyal to their men and it will take a lot of indirect frustration from men towards women to drive them to the point of throwing their hands in the air and saying enough is enough.

How To Make Women Feel Appreciated

The relationship between a man and a women has a very fine line between love and “I’ve had enough.”

It’s not usually hate when women leave men it’s more frustration that they just can’t seem to get through to them that some appreciation once in awhile will go a long way to keeping the relationship vessel on a steady course.

Yes, a cheating man or abusive man is a green light for women to leave men and in this case, the reasons are obvious. But the fact is, many women just become dissatisfied through lack of acknowledgment and the dangers of this will usually mean looking for it somewhere else.

Men who are players will usually be lurking in the distance somewhere waiting for an opportunity.

Women who are currently dissatisfied with their man’s lack of appreciation will be drawn to these type of guys who know how to play the game and give them what their lacking. Before you know it, an affair develops.

If your woman has left for another man then ask yourself why she needed to go elsewhere to find the attention and appreciation she so craved.

Who’s to blame? Well, one of the secrets to getting your partner back is to refrain from playing the blame game. This goes for both. As a man, you could do well to admit your faults rather than “fly off the handle” and try and understand why the hiccup occurred.

Yes, it’s tough but a part of the magic of making up which needs to be addressed before the healing process can begin.

Will My Ex Come Back – Signs Your Ex Is Still Into You!

You are probably here because you want your ex back and might be wondering will my ex come back. You are still in love with your ex and despite all you have tried to do to get over them, it just seems impossible. It seem like the more you try to stop thinking about them, the more you miss them. If you are wondering if your ex will come back to you, then you must watch out for some positive signs that reveal that they are still in love with you. In this article I will provide you with some signs that reveal your ex still have strong feelings for you and want you back in their arms.
As long as you have been in the relationship with your ex for a while, even if the relationship didn’t last long, you should by now understand your ex’s body language. You are supposed to know when they want to communicate with you or not. In other words, you should be able to tell when he or she is giving off signs that they still love you and want to be with you. Although you might not be able to observe these signs at the moment since you are very emotional. If you can calm down your emotions, then you would see all the signs your ex is giving you. However, you just have to take your time to observe these signs just to be sure, before you make plans on what to do next.
Does your ex seek your advice on various matters? One positive sign that your ex is still not over you is if he or she come to you for advice. Even more better is if your ex comes to seek advice from you on personal issues. Your initial move should be to try to observe if their aim for consulting is genuine or just using it as an excuse to talk to you. If you observe that they are just using it to keep the lines of communication open, you can do the same. Ask your ex’s advice on different matters. As time goes on, the communication would become regular. You must take immediate action when you notice a regular and a constant communication. However, if the contacts are irregular, then you must do all you can to keep the lines of communication open.
Another positive sign that your ex still has strong feelings for you is if he or she tries to appear good and sexy around you. Although this might not be true all the time, but take your time to observe closely before jumping into conclusion. As long as your ex is giving off these signs you must take advantage of it. You would want to appear good and sexy as well on your part. Your next course of action would be to go out on a date, but before attempting to go on a date, first try to find out your ex’s emotional state from their friends. While on the date act like you are already back together. If there are no objections, then you should be sure of getting back together with your ex. If there are objections, those can be settled!
If you are asking will my ex come back, then these tips will help you decide. However, these are just a few tips out of the numerous out there. Most times you are in the best position to know if you ex still love you or not because you are familiar with their body language. Despite the fact that your ex is showing signs that they still love you doesn’t automatically guarantee you that you are going to be together again. You must have a step by step plan in order to win back your ex.

At the end of every interview we conduct with happily and successfully married couples we ask the most powerful question of our interview protocol – Can you imagine life without your spouse?

The question always draws tears to the eyes of the couple we are interviewing. We have asked them a question they have repressed. It is a question no loving couple wants to think about. The answer is, however, nearly always the same – No! read more

What are the Warning Signs of a Failing Marriage?

By America’s #1 Love and Marriage Experts.
We have studied marriage around the globe for three decades. And while our focus has principally been on successful marriage, we have interviewed a lot of folks whose marriage was in trouble – whose marriage was falling apart.
There is nothing more painful than watching your marriage disintegrate before your eyes. It hurts. In fact, it may be amongst the most painful experiences you will have in your lifetime.
During our many radio and television interviews over the years we are often asked this simple question – How will I know my Marriage is in Trouble?’ Our research has identified the answer to this very important and often asked question.
So, friends, here are the Seven Telltale Signs of a Failing Marriage that we have identified over the years.
1. You fight and argue much more often than before and do so unfairly.
Fact is, you have nothing nice to say to or about each other anymore. You love to nitpick at each other. Your teasing isn’t fun – it is now painful and hurtful. You use each other as a personal pincushion!
Sadly, your arguments are repeatedly about the same subjects. You are increasingly critical of each other, you fight constantly, and you no longer fight fair.
As we have said many times before – it is okay to argue – all successfully married couples do – but the truth is this, successfully married couples have learned how to fight fair. Their arguments do not become personal and attack oriented.
2. One or both of you show increasing disrespect for each other.
As we have described in our recent book, Building a Love that Lasts: The Seven Surprising Secrets of Successful Marriage (Jossey-Bass/Wiley), mutual respect is at the heart of the best marriages. In failing marriages, there are growing signs of disrespect. Resentment and contempt have replaced patience and love. You go out of your way to avoid being together.
And sadly, when you are away from your spouse you are happier than when you are with them. Having fun with your mate seems to be a thing of the past.
When mutual respect and understanding fail, your marriage is well on the way to its end. Make no mistake about that.
3. You and your spouse are no longer capable of communicating with each other in meaningful and productive ways.
Communication between a husband and a wife is of paramount importance to the health of a successful marital relationship. Failing marriages communicate less and less. There are fewer and fewer meaningful exchanges between the two people who occupy the marriage bond.
Worse yet, they don’t talk with each other about their mutual problems anymore. Frankly, failing marriages lose the ability and the willingness to resolve their marital problems. They just don’t care anymore.
When communication between a husband and wife shuts down, there is little hope for the marriage. Always remember this – no problem was ever resolved, no divide ever bridged, and no disagreement ever broached when people refused to communicate. When communication falters, a marriage is in trouble.
4. Sexual intimacy in your marriage is low and increasingly non-existent.
In a failing marriage, sexual intimacy is low. Sexual intimacy becomes more and more infrequent. Marriage partners turn into roommates – they live together in the same home, but do not share the intimacies of a marriage. Unfortunately, intimacy becomes a thing of the past.
It is clear from our three decades of research that sexual intimacy is over-rated when it comes to the best marriages. There are many other elements that are equally or more important to a successful marriage than sex. But make no mistake about it; INTIMACY is more than good sex. Intimacy is holding hands on a walk, snuggling in the morning, hugging a lot, touching each other, and in general, feeling emotion for each other.
When intimacy starts to fade so does the marriage. When you and/or your spouse lose feelings of intimacy, your marriage is in trouble.
5. Financial disagreements dominate your discussions and conversations.
It is clear, when you argue increasingly and incessantly about financial issues, your marriage is in trouble. We have written extensively about this subject over the past two years, and if the truth were known, most arguments in a marriage center on financial issues.
Worse yet, you discover your spouse is lying about money and other financial related issues. They lie about the bills, the balances, the payoffs, and the commitments. A very bad sign, indeed.
It is clear; we live in trying times when it comes to economic uncertainty. Unemployment is historically high, the Stock Market has wild swings, we worry about our retirement income and our savings, and our home values are in the tank. There is a lot of economic uncertainty.
But here is the truth – the best marriages survive and thrive during trying economic times. The best marriages find a way to deal with the economic uncertainties. Failing marriages have not learned to cope with economic uncertainty because they have not learned how to communicate with each other. If all you talk about is your financial plight, you marriage is in trouble.
6. You do not trust your spouse anymore.
Trust is the centerpiece of a great marriage! In fact, there is nothing more central to a successful marriage than the ability to trust. If you can’t trust your spouse, whom can you trust?
When you or your spouse start to have thoughts of being unfaithful and think more and more about divorce, your marriage is in trouble. When you worry about infidelity in your marriage, your marriage is in trouble.
Let’s face it, when the trust level between you and your spouse nears zero, there is little hope for your marriage. You cannot imagine how important it is to trust your spouse. When you don’t trust them anymore, there is little hope for your marriage.
7. Family members increasingly choose up sides instead of striving for common ground and common understandings.
Your immediate family (your children, each other, your extended family) finds it more and more difficult to find common ground in debates, discussions, and conversations. Family members start to choose up sides. Winning and losing becomes the order of the day. Compromise is out the window.
Moreover, you and your spouse try to isolate each other from family and friends. Divide and conquer becomes the order of the day.
It is sad but true – those marriages that become dysfunctional display symptoms of division and lack of common understandings among family members. Family unity begins to disintegrate. Feuding families are not good for a healthy marriage.
It is important to know the telltale signs of a failing marriage. Pay close attention. When you witness the signs, take action. Save your relationship if you can. Having a healthy and happy marriage is one of the great success stories of life. It is not too late to save your marriage.
In love and marriage the simple things matter. Love well!
By Dr. Charles D. Schmitz and Dr. Elizabeth A. Schmitz
**For hundreds of tips to enhance your relationship get the Doctor’s best-selling and multiple-award winning book Building a Love that Lasts: The Seven Surprising Secrets of Successful Marriage (Jossey-Bass/Wiley 2010) Available wherever books are sold.
Winner of the INDIE Book Awards GOLD Medal for Best Relationship Book
Winner of the Mom’s Choice Awards GOLD Medal for Most Outstanding Relationships and Marriage Book
Nautilus Book Awards Winner for Relationships

Why Would Another Woman Sleep with Your Husband and Destroy Your Marriage?

Your husband had an affair. I’m sorry to hear that, I really am. I know how difficult it can be to deal with something like that. It can seem like your whole stomach just drops right down through the floor, you feel dizzy, and none of it seems like its really happening.
What can be even more infuriating though is the thought that another woman went and willingly started meddling in your marriage and pulled your husband away from you. A lot of women may even feel motivated to confront the other woman just to get a better idea about what she’s thinking.
First of all, yes, I understand that not all women know that the man they’re sleeping with is married. Some of them are in the dark on the whole situation. You can’t really blame them if your husband slips off his wedding ring before he approaches her at a bar and starts things. In all likelihood, she probably just thought he was a charming single man.
But what about those women who know that he’s married? Why would they try to tear your marriage apart?
Well, chances are that she isn’t some kind of evil-doer who takes pleasure from tearing happy couples apart.
If your husband cheated, then there’s a good chance that there were some serious problems in your marriage to begin with. He probably wasn’t getting all of his needs met, either emotional or physical needs.
The other woman probably started out as a simple platonic friends. Somewhere along the line, he probably confided in her about the problems in your marriage and the specific frustrations he was having with it.
Being a friend, she empathized with him and out of their sharing and discussion, the spark of attraction started. When all she hears from him is all the problems he’s having with his wife (you), it’s easy for her to stop seeing you as the unique, multi-faceted person that you really are. Instead, you become some kind of oppressor to this wonderful man. It’s because of this mentality that she probably doesn’t feel much guilt in having the affair.
Now, I’m not saying that she’s right or that you are a bad person. Indeed you are probably a good person, and so is the other woman. It’s just how she sees things from the story she gets from your husband.
Maybe there is some value in approaching the other woman and talking to her. Don’t do it for revenge though, if you do it make sure it is to gain understanding or to try and convince her to cut off the affairs.
Remember, that regardless of what happened, it was still your husband’s choice to have the affair. Perhaps the other woman isn’t free from all guilt, but this is still your husband’s choice and he ultimately holds the responsibility for his actions. It’s easy to point the finger at a the third party, but remember that an affair is ultimately a symptom of a problem between you and your husband, and you need to deal with that first and foremost.

Imagine Life Without Someone To Share It With

By America’s #1 Love and Marriage Experts.
Okay, we are madly in love after all these years! We have been married for nearly 46 years and we cannot imagine life without each other. We are each other’s constant companions and wouldn’t want it any other way!
But we must admit, we often think about all the lonely people who are, in their advanced age, all alone. They have no one with whom to share their days and nights with. Worse yet, no one to share their advancing age with.
On a recent trip to our neighborhood Starbucks, we were struck by the number of people there who were by themselves. These weren’t old people with a dead spouse – they were people in their 20’s, 30’s, and 40’s who were accompanied by no one. They sat by themselves sipping their latte, reading the newspaper or a book, or checking their email.
In all the times we have gone to this bustling coffee shop we noticed the same thing, but never did anything about it until today. We decided to follow up our experience by sharing our thoughts about seeing so many lonely and alone people in one space.
Is this the new America? Is this the way it’s going to be in the 21st Century? The answers to these questions are worth pursuing we think.
We begin by asking this simple question – why are there so many people spending their days alone? Is it our imagination or are we truly on to some profound changes going on in our society?
It is clear—the number of those getting married in our society is declining. According to the University of Virginia study entitled The State of Our Unions 2010 marriage has been on the decline since the 1960’s.
For example, marriage today among white males and white females has dropped some 20% overall since the 60’s. The marriage decline is even more pronounced for black males during this same time frame where marriage is down 40% overall. And, even more dramatic is the marriage decline for black women where marriage is down over 50% since the 1960’s.
Part of the aforementioned decline is due to people getting married at an older age than in the 1960’s. People getting married at the ages of 15, 16, 17, and 18 is much less prevalent in our society today than it was in 1960, and that fact is a good thing.
While getting married later in life is a good thing that has lead to higher success rates in marriage, not getting married at all is not good for people and not good for America. The truth is that in the American middle class and among the African-American community, marriage is in trouble!
These are the five major conclusions one can draw from the University of Virginia study:
1. Marriage is an emerging dividing line between America’s moderately educated middle class and those with college degrees.
2. Marital quality is declining for the moderately educated middle but not for their highly educated peers.
3. Divorce rates are up for moderately educated Americans, relative to those who are highly educated.
4. The moderately educated middle is dramatically more likely than highly educated Americans to have children outside of marriage.
5. The children of highly educated parents are now more likely than in the recent past to be living with their mother and father, while children with moderately educated parents are far less likely to be living with their mother and father.
Their most stunning summary statement of the report reads as follows:
So the United States is increasingly a separate and unequal nation when it comes to the institution of marriage. Marriage is in danger of becoming a luxury good attainable only to those with the material and cultural means to grab hold of it. The marginalization of marriage in Middle America is especially worrisome, because this institution has long served the American experiment in democracy as an engine of the American Dream, a seedbed of virtue for children, and one of the few sources of social solidarity in a nation that otherwise prizes individual liberty.
Just imagine – the most fundamental and central component of American society – the glue of our socialization process for the total of American history (and for nearly 6000 years of recorded world history) – has been marriage. There has been no more important glue for the social structure of America than marriage. Any threat to the sanctity or importance of marriage between two people puts our society at risk.
In the end, we believe the University of Virginia should have added a 6th conclusion – there is great danger for the Republic when people in love choose to stay single and not make the commitment to marriage so prevalent in our history as a nation.
Don’t be fooled into thinking that the great societal traditions of America will continue without marriage. Don’t think that spending most of your life without someone is good for you or good for America. Everybody needs somebody. Of that you can be sure.
Marriage between two people who love each other has been an enduring element in the success of America from the beginning of our great country. There are many reasons to support marriage as an institution, but perhaps one of the most compelling reasons is this – you will not grow old by yourself.
In the end, it is of utmost importance to all of us to have someone who loves us, has our best interests at heart, commits to being our life’s companion, is our advocate, stays with us through thick and thin, and is there for us during the ending stages of our life.
We are reminded again of the lyrics from Neil Diamond’s 1972 song, Morningside – The old man died. And no one cried. They simply turned away. (Prophet Music, Inc. (ASCAP)).
No one wants to grow old alone. We would dare say that most everyone wants someone to be their companion when they grow old. To laugh with them while they live and cry for them when they die.
Why all the lonely people? Where do they all come from? All the lonely people, where do they all belong? (Eleanor Rigby, The Beatles, Capitol Records, 1966).
Don’t grow old by yourself. Life is too short to spend it alone. Go to Starbucks with someone you love today! Don’t join the ranks of all the lonely people.
By Dr. Charles D. Schmitz and Dr. Elizabeth A. Schmitz
For hundreds of tips to enhance your relationship get the Doctor’s best-selling and multiple-award winning book Building a Love that Lasts: The Seven Surprising Secrets of Successful Marriage (Jossey-Bass/Wiley) Available wherever books are sold.
Winner of the INDIE Book Awards GOLD Medal for Best Relationship Book
Winner of the Mom’s Choice Awards GOLD Medal for Most Outstanding Relationships and Marriage Book
Nautilus Book Awards Winner for Relationships

Your Marriage in Trouble – Is a Trial Separation the Way to Go?

Your relationship has gotten so bad that you are talking about divorce – when you are talking at all. Should you consider a trial separation? Why and why not.
A trial separation is a huge step to take – an acknowledgement that your marriage is on the brink of collapse – a public statement of your situation that can no longer be hidden from your children, family, and friends. Choosing to live apart for a time is not an action to be undertaken lightly – but neither is divorce.
When a trial separation is probably a poor choice:
1. You are both sure that you want the marriage to work and are committed to making changes to create a better relationship. If you are not actively considering divorce, don’t consider a trial separation either – regardless of your day-to-day conflicts.
2. One or both of you are sure that you want a divorce. A workable trial separation requires both parties to be in civil communication, and to agree that there is some possibility for the future of the relationship. If either your partner or you knows they want a divorce, a “trial separation” would be a painful farce.
3. Something unacceptable has occurred in your relationship. Physical violence or threats of violence are always unacceptable. You may or may not also consider adultery or other behaviors unacceptable.
4. One or both of you intends to date or have sex with someone else during the “trial separation” period. If either of you desires to be intimate outside the relationship, just get the divorce and be done with it.
5. Either of you is sure that the other is 100% to blame for your difficulties. Reconciliation – whether through a trial separation or otherwise – requires YOU to change. If you are unwilling to consider making changes, file for divorce now.
A trial separation is likely to produce a good outcome when you and your partner agree that either reconciliation or divorce are possible and acceptable outcomes of your current difficulties. Both of you understand that the purpose of a trial separation is to reach a mutually acceptable conclusion about the viability of your marriage.
A trial separation has NOT failed if you both end up amicably agreeing to divorce. A trial separation is a time to weigh both options – without attachment to either.
The benefits of a trial separation are the opportunity to:
1. Eliminate co-dependence. Spending time away from your partner, provides each of you with the space to develop self-assurance and minimize neediness.
2. Develop self-responsibility. When there is no one else to blame, life looks different, and provides an opening to become more aware and responsible.
3. Explore new interests. Develop new hobbies. Join affinity groups. Try a photography group or a book club.
4. Experience a relatively stress-free cooling-off period and gain a more detached perspective.
5. Minimize the stress on your young children. While some experts would argue that having one parent move out of the home increases the stress on children, I believe that the benefit of no longer seeing Mommy and Daddy fighting far outweighs any negative effects.
If you do opt for a trial separation, it is important to:
1. Deepen your support system. Share yourself even more deeply with those who know and love you.
2. Become more introspective about your situation. Keep a daily journal. Consider what you like about yourself and your life. Consider what you would like to change about yourself, as well as your relationship.

There are many reasons why people get divorced. This article explores some of the most common reasons that cause the end of a marriage.


It will come as no surprise that adultery is an extremely common reason for divorce. However, research shows that many people are willing to forgive someone for cheating once. If the behaviour is common though, that often spells the end of a marriage. Adultery results in a lack of trust within a relationship. read more

Infidelity is Not Okay and it is Not Forgivable!

By America’s #1 Love and Marriage Experts.
Frankly, if we hear yet one more person talk about infidelity in a relationship as if it were okay, not a big deal, and forgivable, we are going to get angry!
We have studied the best marriages for more than 25 years and we know this – the best marriages would never engage in unfaithfulness – they would never engage in infidelity.
Here is the whole truth and nothing but the truth – being disloyal to the one you love is an unpardonable sin! Why would anyone who engages in this disloyal, dishonest, and morally reprehensible behavior think it is okay? To betray someone you purport to love is unconscionable. And as we often say, based on our years of research with successfully married couples, there is a character element to marriage and to violate the code of conduct in a marriage – to engage in the ultimate form of betrayal – is to destroy the core, the heart, of that relationship.
As you have noticed over the years, we are not angry people. But the notion that betrayal is acceptable or excusable gets us riled. Clearly, we are not unreasonable people. And the truth is, we know what makes marriages work. Being unfaithful to the one you love is not conducive to a wholesome, successful, and endearing relationship.
Here’s the deal – there are NO excuses for infidelity! There is no way to excuse infidelity. Being unfaithful to the one you love is the most unpardonable of all sins. To violate the core of trust in your marriage or loving relationship is, simply put, to destroy the relationship.
It is our considered opinion – based on many years of research – that the notion of character in marriage is real. To suggest otherwise is to ignore the basic tenets of successful relationships. We guess that it is time to say, The buck stops here! Literally translated – there are no excuses for disloyalty and infidelity to your spouse – to your lover.
Over the years, we have interviewed a lot of people who purported to be in love. We have interviewed a lot of couples that repeated the vows, Until Death Do Us Part. And these are not just words! To love someone for a lifetime does not occur by accident. To be in love is not an accident. To be in love is to do the simple things day in and day out of your relationship with the one you say you love. But trust us on this – you cannot betray the one you love and expect your marriage to survive and thrive.
It pains our heart to see couples espouse the virtues of the Desperate Housewives who think it’s okay to cheat on the one your love, and everything will be okay. It drives an arrow through our heart to think that there are people engaged in a loving relationship who think that betrayal is an offense for which there is forgiveness.
The ultimate betrayal of the one you say you love is an unrecoverable act! Writers, therapists, counselors, and psychologists who suggest otherwise are not only fooling themselves, they are misleading those they purport to represent.
Don’t be fooled and don’t be foolish. There is rarely EVER a recovery from a relationship that sinks to betrayal, infidelity, and disloyalty. Those who have been successfully married for years and years know this to be true. Don’t be misled by those who suggest otherwise.
The Simple Things Matter in love and marriage. Love well!
By Dr. Charles D. Schmitz and Dr. Elizabeth A. Schmitz
Authors of Golden Anniversaries: The Seven Secrets of Successful Marriage
Winner of the INDIE Book Awards GOLD Medal for Best Relationship Book
Winner of the 2009 Mom’s Choice Awards GOLD Medal for Most Outstanding Relationships and Marriage Book
2009 Nautilus Book Awards Winner for Relationships

Will A Trial Separation Save Or Break Your Marriage? Find Out Here!

Many couples out there with a failing marriage question whether or not a trial marriage separation will make or break their marriage. If you are seriously thinking about whether or not you and your spouse should get separated, please read on.
Many couples with failing marriage living under the same roof can not coexist with each other without fighting, arguing or even build more resentment between one another. If you have children, staying under the same roof with your spouse can do more hurt than good.
Keep in mind if you and your spouse want to make your marriage work, but it seems impossible while you guys are living together, separating for a little bit can save your marriage (with the help of marriage counseling).
Marriage separation can help your marriage if each person commits to saving their marriage. A Trial separation is a great way for each person to breathe and reflect about their marriage.
It is best to not date other people while you’re separated, if you have any hopes of making your marriage work. When you and your spouse are separated, take time to reevaluate your life. Think about what went wrong in the marriage. A trial separation can also give each person the space they need for themselves. With this space, (like mentioned above) reflect about where your spouse fits in and the steps you need to making your marriage work. This time alone allows you to really think about where your relationship stands with your spouse.
A planned marriage separation is more likely beneficial to your marriage than an unplanned separation. An unplanned separation is when one person moves out without discussing it with their spouse. In an unplanned separation, there are no plans or guidelines to make your marriage work, which will indefinitely cause divorce.
It’s always best to give a trial marriage separation a try rather than heading straight for divorce. Frequently telling your spouse that one day you will leave if they don’t change their ways may not hold the impact you hope until one day you actually move out. Many people with a spouse who threatens to leave don’t really believe they will leave until there are packed bags in front of the door.
By not immediately filing for a divorce, it gives your spouse a wake up call. This may be the final straw it takes for your spouse to really listen to your words and agree to see a marriage therapist.
If you and your spouse plan for a temporary marriage separation make sure you:
Communicate what your goals are for the separation. Are you goals similar to your spouse’s goals? When you guys talk about this, come to an agreement on what you guys want to happen during the marriage separation.
Set a time frame for how long you guys will be separated for. During this time, make sure you guys are taking strides to make your marriage work. Whether you guys see a marriage counselor at the time or begin dating again, make sure you guys keep in contact with each other to cultivate your marriage.
Making sure you guys set guidelines before you separate. Make sure that the guidelines are clear and that each party has a clear understanding.
A trial separation can heal your marriage. Don’t forget to take this time to also work on your own self improvements. It takes two people to make a relationship work and two people to make it fail. Find out what areas you need to work on yourself as well as your relationship issues.
Remember, the point of the marriage separation is that you get the space you need away from your spouse to think about things. This means, don’t call your spouse every day to see how their doing.
Your marriage separation should help reduce how much toxic emotions you and your spouse invoke in one another and give you the space you need to figure out the necessary steps to saving your marriage.

Five Reasons Why Second Marriages Fail at a High Rate

For some time the divorce rate in the USA for first marriages has held at about 50%. This is a national tragedy. This statistic also means that many people have subsequent marriages.
Common sense suggests that someone who remarries is older, wiser, more mature, has learned from their mistakes, and knows better what they want and need in a partner. Therefore, the divorce rate for second marriages would be expected to be substantially lower than the rate for first marriages. Despite our common sense expectations, according to demographic data, the divorce rate for subsequent marriages is, in fact, significantly higher than that of first marriages—65%, nearly two out of three! Why?
1. Money, Sex, and In-Laws
The above big three issues are the primary problems that plague most first marriages. These same issues also impact subsequent marriages—but even more so. The money problem becomes even more troublesome in second marriages due to child support and spousal maintenance payments. Second marriages feel the strain when money is tight and hubby has to send checks to the first wife.
The sex issue also gets interesting in subsequent marriages, if, for no other reason, one or both of the partners were previously in a committed relationship. Uncomfortable questions and comparisons are likely to arise.
The in-law situation becomes especially taxing in subsequent marriages, particularly when both partners bring a child into the new relationship. There would be husband’s parents, wife’s parents, husband’s ex’s parents, and wife’s ex’s parents. Whose house do you go to for Thanksgiving? Statistically, two of these in-law couples could be divorced so that could add another pair of in-laws this new couple may have to appease. If one of the partners is marrying for the third time and had a child with the previous two spouses, the mathematical permutations of potential in-laws is beyond this liberal arts graduate.
2. Children
Children keep tenuous marriages together. While natural children are binding agents in first marriages, step-children are often divisive factors in subsequent unions. Many parents struggle with managing their natural offspring; nearly all step-parents are frustrated with dealing with their step-kids. A major problem in blended families is partners not supporting each other with regard to the management of their respective natural children.
3. Ex’s
Some ex-spouses are pleased to see their ex enter a new relationship—especially if it could result in fewer legal motions being filed or reduced child support and alimony payments. Some ex’s, though, especially if they were the dumpee, are resentful when their ex finds a new relationship and may attempt to sabotage it. Some angry ex’s continue to bring their ex-spouse back to court for various reasons long after the divorce is final. This adds emotional and financial tension to the new partnership. Another sad but unfortunately common ploy is to negatively lobby the child against the new partner. This tends to make problem # 2 worse.
4. The Speed at which We Re-Couple
When you have been rejected by someone you once loved or decide to end a committed relationship, attention from another possible suitor is quite intoxicating. The data shows that many separated individuals are in a new exclusive relationship before the ink on the divorce decree is dry. We like to be coupled. A sizable number of persons will purposely enter a new relationship as a means of extricating themselves from an unfulfilling marriage. Rushing from one relationship into another is foolish and does not provide the time to fully explore the new one before becoming emotionally committed to it. Once the infatuation wanes, the new relationship could be in trouble.
5. Unconscious Dynamics
Psychoanalytic theory holds that who we marry is pre-determined. We are unconsciously attracted to individuals with certain characteristics. This attraction does not guarantee a healthy paring; this subconscious desire, in fact, may lead to angst in the relationship. Unfortunately, most of us are unaware of our unconscious forces. If the marriage ends, we tend to put all the blame on our ex and rarely consider our role in that failed relationship. Thus, we subsequently unconsciously seek another partner with essentially the same dynamics of our ex—and the next relationship is in jeopardy.
I recommend that if you have left a committed relationship, for any reason, you should immediately get into counseling for a minimum of nine months before you consider entering another exclusive relationship.

Why Some Marriages Last and Others Don’t!

Some marriages work and some don’t. After divorce, people begin to TRY to decipher the difference so we don’t make the same mistakes when we re-marry! So what is the difference between couples that make it through the challenges of life and those that don’t? Discover the 3 core elements that need to be present in order for a marriage to sustain the pressures of life!
People are always pondering about what makes one marriage last over another. What is it that leads to divorce? If you’ve been married once before, like I have, then you can almost become obsessed with this question – as I have over the years! We worry about remarriage. Some people are so afraid, that they never get remarried, and some people roll the dice, hoping for the best!
So let me start by asking this question: If you squeeze an orange, what comes out? Do you get lemon juice? Grapefruit juice? No! You get orange juice! Relationships are like an orange. When pressure is applied, what comes out is what is already on the inside. Nothing else.
So what is the difference that makes the difference? What are the components that keep the marriage lasting? In the early years of my marriage to my husband, I was very analytical. Always looking for the difference because I didn’t want to make the same mistake again. I wanted this one to last.
At first, I deduced that the reason for my failed marriage (when all was said and done) was because he just wanted to live a different life than I did. However, as I started working with more and more couples, I started to notice a pattern. Yes, there are specific core traits of successful couples!
1. Admiration. Successful couples truly admire each other. But even when things are crazy, they really have a mutual admiration for who they are, deep down inside. I was working with a couple the other day, and the husband was talking about a troubling situation they were dealing with as a blended family. As he was speaking, his wife just watched and listened and there it was on her face – the look of admiration! He didn’t see it because he was engrossed in the story, but there it was!
2. Respect. Successful couples have respect for each other. Sometimes, when we are dealing with stress in our life and/or family, we might not be at our best. We can behave disrespectfully, because we are angry or frustrated or whatever! That is different than respecting the other person. When our partner is in alignment with who we are and our values, there is a mutual respect present within the relationship that can weather adversity.
3. Shared lifestyle vision or dream. Successful couples share the same ideas when it comes to how they want to live the life both in the present and in the future. Did you ever notice how many couples on those decorating shows will say Our style is… and they seem to have the same style? They are either modern or traditional or country. This is true for overall lifestyle! They’re not necessarily exactly alike, but the bulk of how they want to live their life and how they envision their future is the same.
If your relationship isn’t like this right now, this does not mean that you should go break up or get divorced! It just means you have some work to do. By the way, if you’re currently single, do the assignment based on your past relationships. It will help you create a great one in your future!
1. Evaluate where you are in relationship with your spouse/significant other in these three key areas. Rank on a scale of 1-10, 10 being perfect score, for both you and your partner. What is your level of compatibility? It is feasible that one person admires more than the other!
2. Get real about the differences. Spend some time thinking through the What and Why of these differences and where they might be playing a role in the challenges you are experiencing in your relationship.
3. Get clear about your own desires! Based on what you’ve discovered, write out details of what the expression of admiration and respect is ideally like for you. Write out details of how you want to be living your life now and in the future. Be as specific as possible! You can’t make it happen if you’re not clear.
4. Talk with your partner! Let them know what you discovered – both the differences AND the similarities. If they’re not reading this article, share it with them. Have them do the same assignment and then come together to discuss ways to blend what you both want for yourselves. If anything, this will help you to re-connect, because, at the heart of every successfully blended family is a strong partnership!

What Everyone Needs to Know about Extramarital Affairs…and what you can do to help

Recent statistics suggest that 40% of women (and that number is increasing) and 60% of men at one point indulge in an affair. Put those numbers together and it is estimated that 80% of the marriages will have one spouse at one point or another involved in an affair.
That may seem like a very steep number. However after two decades plus of full time work as a marriage and family therapist, I don’t believe that number is off the charts. I worked with a great number of people involved in affairs who were never discovered.
The possibility that someone close to you is or soon will be involved in an extramarital affair (any of the three parties) is extremely high.
Maybe you will know. You will see telltale signs. You will notice changes in the person habits and behavioral patterns as well as a detachment, lack of focus and reduced productivity. Maybe you will sense something out of character but be unable to pinpoint what it is.
It is not a given that he/she will tell you. Those hiding the affair will continue to hide. The victim of the affair often, at least initially, is racked with anger, hurt, embarrassment and thoughts of failing that preclude divulging the crisis.
It might be important to confront the person with your observations, depending on the status of your relationship with the person.
It is important to understand that extramarital affairs are different and serve different purposes.
Out of my study and experience with hundreds of couples I’ve identified 7 different kinds of affairs.
Briefly, some affairs are reactivity to a perceived lack of intimacy in the marriage. Others arise out of addictive tendencies or a history of sexual confusion or trauma.
Some in our culture play out issues of entitlement and power by becoming trophy chasers. This boys will be boys mentality is subtly encouraged in some contexts.
Some become involved in an affair because of a high need for drama and excitement and are enthralled with the idea of being in love and having that loving feeling.
An affair might be for revenge either because the spouse did or did not do something. Or the revenge may stem from rage. Although revenge is the motive for both, they look and feel very different.
Another affair serves the purpose of affirming personal desirability. A nagging question of being OK may lead to usually a short-term and one-person affair. And finally, some affairs are a dance that attempts to balance needs for distance and intimacy in the marriage, often with collusion from the spouse.
The prognosis for survivability of the marriage is different for each. Some affairs are the best thing that happens to a marriage. Others serve a death knell. As well, different affairs demand different strategies on the part of the spouse or others. Some demand toughness and movement. Others demand patience and understanding.
The emotional impact of the discovery of the affair is usually profound. Days and weeks of sleeplessness, rumination, fantasies (many sexual) and unproductively follow. It typically takes 2 – 4 years to work through the implications. A good coach or therapist can accelerate and mollify the process. I don’t recommend marriage counseling, at least initially.
The devastating emotional impact results from a couple powerful dynamics. Trust is shattered – of one’s ability to discern the truth. The most important step is NOT to learn to trust the other person, but to learn to trust one’s self. Another is the power that a secret plays in relationships. THE secret exacts an emotional and sometimes physical toll that needs to be acknowledged and dealt with.
How can you help?
Those in the midst of their affair crisis told me they need this from you:
1. Sometimes I want to vent, get it out without censor. I know sometimes I will say what I shouldn’t be saying. It may not be nice, pretty or mild. Please know that I know better, but I need to get it off my chest.
2. Every so often I want to hear something like, This too shall pass. Remind me that this is not forever.
3. I want to be validated. I want to know that I am OK. You can best do that by nodding acceptance when I talk about the pain or confusion.
4. I want to hear sometimes, What are you learning? What are you doing to take care of yourself? I may need that little jolt that moves me beyond my pain to see the larger picture.
5. I may want space. I may want you to be quiet and patient as I attempt to sort through and express my thoughts and feelings. Give me some time to stammer, stutter and stumble my way through this.
6. I want someone to point out some new options or different roads that I might take. But before you do this, make sure I am first heard and validated.
7. When they pop into your mind, recommend books or other resources that you think I might find helpful.
8. I want to hear every so often, How’s it going? And, I may want this to be more than an informal greeting. Give me time and space to let you know exactly how it IS going.
9. I want you to understand and welcome the ambivalent feelings and desires. I would like you to be fairly comfortable with the gray areas and the contradictions about how I feel and what I may want.
10. I want you to be predictable. I want to be able to count on you to be there, listen and speak consistently or let me know when you are unable to do that. I will honor that.
Affairs are powerful. Affairs are costly. They affect family, friends, colleagues and employers. Affairs are also an opportunity – to redesign one’s life and love relationships in ways that create honor, joy and true intimacy.
Dr. Huizenga is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with over 20 years of professional experience, working with hundreds of couples and thousands of individuals. He has done extensive research and study in the specialty area of extramarital affairs.
Dr. Robert Huizenga
616.456.1178 Ext. 12
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Break Free From the Affair

Break Free From the Affair

Why a Woman Leaves Her Man For No Reason

How often do I hear of marriages that end in divorce, and when asked about it, the male partner who was left behind will say something like, I don’t get it. I loved and provided for her. I thought we were fine. She left for no reason.
Often a woman’s affection toward her husband does a nose dive when he begins to choose other activities or people over her. This is a blind spot for so many guys, as they aren’t really aware of the way their misplaced priorities damage their relationship.
Many husbands are shocked when their wives leave them for no reason after ten, twenty or even thirty years of marriage. They feel a sense of betrayal for providing everything their wives needed, or wanted—a nice home, a good car, plenty of money to raise the children, vacations, and financial security. Yet that wasn’t enough. Why? A woman needs so much more than things.
For a marriage to flourish, a wife needs to know she has a very special place in her man’s heart. She needs for her spouse to grant her honor. She needs her man to attach high value, worth and importance to her above everything and anyone else, and below God.
Let me ask you a look-in-the-mirror question: Does your wife feel less important than your work, hobbies, golfing or fishing buddies?
I’m not saying you’ve got to donate the fishing gear to the Salvation Army, or sell your Callaway clubs at the next garage sale. A lot of husbands reading this will probably feel threatened by the thought of giving their wives special treatment, fearing they will lose out with their friends, career, or hobbies. They falsely believe if they give up other activities for the sake of being with their wives, they will give them up forever.
Full disclaimer: Nothing that I coach men about winning in their relationships revolves around giving up their masculinity, or losing their identities in their marriage. The first lesson I learned in my first failed marriage was that I had to reinvent how to connect to the heart of a woman, NOT how to reinvent my manhood!
Remember, when a wife feels she is #1, she gets excited about her husband being able to do the things he wants to do. But words are cheap. Simply telling her she’s first so she’ll let you off the hook to head out and play doesn’t work. In fact, if she finds out you’ve tried to manipulate her, find the dog house because that’s where you’ll be sleeping for a while. Worse off, you may be faced with major problems concerning her trust in you and her own feelings of worth.
So you must step up like a real man and honor the sweetheart of your youth. If you really want your wives to feel they’re the most important thing, that’s noble of you, and I send a high-five your way. But it’s hard right?….until we honor her through action.
Here’s your coaching lesson to step-up like a real man. Remember that feelings follow thoughts and actions. In other words, it’s not until after you place your wife on the pedestal she deserves to be on, and put the queen’s crown on her head, that you will begin to have that warm and fuzzy sensation inside of you. That’s the feeling you get when you treasure someone.
Fair warning: your ego will probably be bruised living these principles, but that’s good news—it’ll tell you you’re on the right track. Humility is the strength of a true servant leader.
Your woman needs to see action and not hear mere promises. Give her time to watch you climb the mountain if she ain’t buying it first. The more consistently you connect to her heart, the more trustworthy you’ll become. Soon she’ll put on her hiking boots and trek up the cliff with you.
So what happens after you attach high value to your girl, the mother of your children? She will be free to encourage your fishing expeditions and the early bird back 9 tee time with your buddies (or, for a female friend I know, support her man’s rigid running routine), knowing that she’s at the top of your list.
My wife encourages me to enjoy and pursue my interests in sports and writing because she feels secure in her position of importance. If something drastic happened, she knows my first commitment would be her. Even if it happened during game seven of the NBA Finals, with the Lakers playing the Celtics!
To your success,

Top 3 Reasons Why Marriages Fail

Are you married and the worse case scenario for you and your spouse is divorce? Perhaps you are already in a struggling marriage that’s headed for disaster. Here are 3 tops reasons why marriages fail. Are you doing any of these things that’s ruining your marriage?
This one may be obvious, but communication is such a crucial component to any relationship. Do you and your spouse communicate in an effective manner? Problems due to lack of communications is usually when one or both spouse refuse to listen or don’t talk at all. If you and your spouse refuse to communicate, listen or talk, your marriage is set to fail.
Many people have different ways of communicating. When this happens, it’s crucial for you and your spouse to learn how to relate to one another. If you and your spouse cannot relate to one another, you guys won’t be able to express your emotions, feelings and goals in an effective and satisfying manner. Couples with the inability to relate to each other are usually the ones headed for divorce.
2. Commitment
Commitment is the next biggest reasons why marriages do not work out. Divorce is preventable. It’s not going to be easy but if you are committed to making it work, no matter how tough it gets any marriage can survive. There are times where it seems easier to give up and quit. When this happens, each person usually brings their problems and inability to communicate effectively to their next marriage, create a vicious cycle of failing relationships.
Many people who lack commitment in their marriage tends to put anything to everything in front of their marriage. Work, friends, family and so forth are important but should never take place over your marriage. Is your marriage your top priority? If you can’t genuinely say yes, you’re going to have to reevaluate your priorities and make sure you put your marriage on top of your priority list.
3. Arguments and Conflicts
There is no such thing as a marriage without conflicts. It doesn’t mean you have bad marriage if you and your spouse argues every now and then. Arguing all the time is another story. Unresolved fights will make sure the problem will come up again. If you find that you and your spouse constantly disagree over the same thing, it is imperative that you and your spouse sit down and talk about the issue until it’s resolved. This is where you’re going to have to communicate effectively. Make sure you both can relate to each other’s issues.
Another big time marriage killer is resentment. Resentment occurs when you don’t fully express your emotions and needs. Some people stifle their true emotions because of fear that their spouse will get upset or for whatever reasons. When you don’t express when you’re mad, sad or upset, feelings of resentment will arise.

Why Couples Separate And Divorce

Every separation is unique. If you asked 100 couples who have divorced what caused them to split, you could get dozens of different reasons. However, surveys show there are common factors in many divorces. Here are some of those common factors:

Not really serious. This really does occur particularly when the couple is young. One or both partners had not fully understood that marriage is a life-long commitment. Now, unable or unwilling to accept that fact, the marriage ends.

Money. Pressure of not being able to pay the bills can be a factor why couples separate. It might be that one spouse has failed to balance his or her budget when living at home or unemployment has dented the couple’s income. But whatever the cause is, money worries are often a factor in couple’s separation.

Adultery. It’s an old-fashioned word, but cheating on your spouse is a major factor in the breakdown of many marriages.

Criminal behavior. Abuse can take many forms. Physical violence is a well-known face of abuse but verbal threats, intimidation and psychological cruelty are also part of abuse. This reprehensible behavior is a significant factor in forcing couples to separate.

Lack of communication. It seems silly that this factor causes a marriage to fail, but there are many couples who find it difficult or impossible to communicate with one another. Many disagreements can be sorted out if only the partners sit down and calmly discuss the situation. If they can’t, the separation begins.

Mid-stream change of plans. A couple may create plans and agree on what they will do as the years roll on, but one partner might change his or her mind. It could be moving interstate, not having a child or more children, or one spouse no longer wanting to stay at home to care for the children. When a major shift in the original agreement occurs, some couples can’t handle the change and separate.

Alcohol and drugs. Addiction to alcohol or drugs is a worry not just for the user but also for those who are nearest and dearest to him or her. Many marriages fail when addiction rears its ugly head.

Second marriages. The divorce rate is higher with second and subsequent marriages than with first-time unions. One of the contributing factors to this could be the relationship with the step-children. Oftentimes, when someone re-marries, one or both spouses become a step-parent. While the couple needs to get to know one another, there are the kids to consider as well. Children, who don’t like their new step-parent or vice-versa, can be a factor in the breakdown of the marriage.

Why Does Your Wife Want Divorce? Here’s the Truth:

“My wife wants divorce, and I don’t…I still have no idea why. I have no idea how I can get my wife back…What should I do?”
If your wife has told you that she wants a divorce, but you still don’t really understand why or you’re totally lost as to what you can do about it, then this article was written for you.
As you continue reading, I’m going to walk you through several of the common reasons why your wife wants a divorce, and then once were done with that, I’m going to explain to you what you can do to change your wife’s mind.
In other words, I’m going to walk you through some of the most powerful tips and techniques that you can use to stop your divorce and get your wife to want to stay in the marriage.
I’m not talking about psychological games or Jedi mind tricks, just a good old fashioned understanding of relationships and women.
But enough talk, let’s get to the meat and potatoes, shall we? If your wife wants to divorce, then just keep on reading.
First Things First; Understanding Why My Wife Wants Divorce
There are a number of reasons that could explain why your wife wants divorce. Many women have different standards of what constitutes grounds for divorce.
What I’d like to do in this section is talk with you about a few of the most common thoughts that enter a forlorn wife’s head when she is unhappy in a marriage. Many times these little seeds of thought will turn into big poisonous weeds in her mind, and undermine your relationship and your marriage.
Reason #1. Boredom
Let’s face it, marriage gets boring.
It’s just a fact of life… Doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong or that you’re doing something wrong, it’s just the way the world goes.
However, with sitcoms and reality TV and dare we say it – porn? – Our society has become very fast-paced and gratification based.
In other words, we want to feel good and we want to feel good all the time.
Furthermore, if we don’t feel good and we don’t feel good all the time, then we feel like there’s something wrong… We feel like were entitled to this constant gratuity and fast-paced, hyper exciting fantasy lifestyle.
Especially in new marriages and in a couple where one or the other spouse is going through a midlife crisis, sometimes the boredom can be a little bit overwhelming.
* In a new marriage, the newlywed wife suddenly realizes her mistake, and in a fit of ‘desperately taking action’ she decides to get a divorce.
* The mid-life crisis wife is suddenly reminiscing about her dreams and former aspirations, and wondering what life would’ve been like if she hadn’t married you.
Yeah I know it sounds mean, but that’s just the way it is. If she feels bored, then it’s much more likely for her to have these thoughts around this time in her life. I’m just telling you this so that you understand what your wife might be thinking.
Of course, no matter what chapter of life you’re in, boredom is always a possibility, so don’t feel like this problem is restricted only to certain age groups or even certain genders… Men/husbands certainly get bored just as often as women/wives.
Reason #2. A Negative Outside Influence
If your wife’s mother or sister isn’t too fond of you, then over time that negative pressure can become overwhelming and burdensome.
When faced with even the slightest marriage problems, a negative outside influence can have a magnified power over your wife.
So, if you’ve been having recent problems in your marriage and you know that one of your wife’s close friends or relatives doesn’t really care for you, then that could explain why.
“So you’re telling me that my wife filed for divorce because of one of her friends?”
Again, chances are that something is going on in her head that you’re not aware of. If your wife is being impatient and acting emotionally then this isn’t necessarily the way she always feels (although I’m not making any promises).
Reason #3. You Have Failed to Keep Your Word
Have you promised your wife that you would be more present at home?
Maybe you’ve promised that you would break that porn habit that you’ve had for so long?
Maybe you promised to take her on date nights or give her more time away from the house or be better with the kids or even to start doing basic household chores?
The fact of the matter is that you made a commitment and promised something to your wife and you didn’t follow through.
And then you probably did it again, and again, and then again.
If this doesn’t describe you at all, then feel free to skip this point, but I think most of us can empathize with this image… A lazy husband who has become – let’s admit it – a little bit bored in the marriage; he just isn’t putting as much energy into the marriage anymore, and it shows.
Sound familiar? If it doesn’t, then obviously ignore this tip!
But if you’ve been flaky with your commitments and your husbandly duties, then it could be that your wife has just had enough.
Again, women can be emotional sometimes. If you let this kind of stuff build up too long it will definitely become a problem.
Reason #4. Infidelity
This one probably doesn’t need too much explaining – If you cheated on your wife, then that explains why she wants a divorce.
If your wife is cheating on you, then unfortunately, that also probably explains why she wants a divorce.
Either way, it’s still possible to save your marriage (as I will discuss further down in the article) but you need to make sure that you really want to.
* If you’re the cheater, then you need to make a firm unyielding commitment to never betray your wife in that way again.
* If you’re the cheated on, then you need to consider the saying “once a cheater always a cheater” and make sure that you really want to stay with a woman who’s willing to leave for another man.
Cheating is borderline mental cruelty, so whichever side of the fence you’re on, keep that in mind.
Reason #5. She Has Fallen Out of Love with You…
Or she thinks you have fallen out of love with her.
Either way, it doesn’t really matter, in her mind they could both become grounds for her to want to file for divorce.
* Have you and your wife been having problems for a while?
* Could it be that your wife is frustrated because she feels like you haven’t seen any progress with your marriage for so long?
* How long have you and your wife been having problems for?
* Have you tried marriage counseling?
* Did it do any good at all, or did things eventually turn right back to the way they were before counseling?
It may be that your wife is finally frustrated enough with the lack of progress to give up and ask for divorce.
How long do you think your wife could have conceivably been thinking about divorce? Do you think that it is a recent decision, or one that she’s been stewing on for a long time?
But really, all of these reasons come down to one easy-to-understand major reason that lies behind all decisions to get divorced…
Are you ready?
Do you want to know what it is…the answer to “why my wife wants divorce”?
Here it goes…
In the End, Your Wife Wants Divorce Because She Thinks it Will Make Her Happier Than Marriage
Your wife has decided that divorce would bring her more net-happiness than continuing to stay in the marriage with you (even if you don’t want a divorce).
She honestly feels like happiness is either too difficult or too far away from the way things stand right now, and that getting a divorce would allow her to freely pursue their own happiness to a greater height than she can right now.
In other words, she has finally decided to pursue her own happiness individually instead of as a couple.

What Do I Do after My Wife Had an Affair?

“My wife cheated on me; I’m struggling to cope with her affair and I can’t get the images out of my mind! What do I do?”
Do you feel nothing but rage when you imagine your wife breaching your love and trust with another man?
Perhaps just knowing that your wife is cheating has left you in complete and total shock, and you’re unable to contain the anger that boils inside of you?
Are you looking for a way to make the pain of your wife’s infidelity go away?
Well don’t pitch your wedding ring just yet; I know that infidelity hurts. I know that there aren’t many pains in this world that can compare to the feeling when your wife’s infidelity crops into your mind.
Today I’d like to talk to you about how to recover from her infidelity and finally work towards a revived marriage.
Learning to control the immense amount of emotion that wells up when dealing with your wife’s unfaithfulness will be one of the first steps in recovering from, or at least surviving, her affair.
As you continue reading this article, you’re going to be learning how you can control your anger and manage your emotions, especially in the context of your wayward spouse. If you can’t find calm among all the emotions twirling inside of you, then this is the article for you.
After all, it’s only natural that you’re angry and paranoid right now. Whether you’ve confronted her about the affair or not, sexual infidelity is enough to wreck any man. And honestly, most men cope MUCH worse than you are right now.
3 Tips to Help Contain the Emotion After Infidelity
When I was cheated on by my high school sweetheart, it nearly tore me apart…The amount of rage that I had built up inside of me took months, if not years, to work through and understand fully. And I’m sure that doesn’t compare to what you’re experiencing now.
Sincerely and truly, I’m sorry that you’ve been put in this position and that you now have to find a way to cope with a cheating wife.
Things will finally start to look up once you realize how to work with and use your emotion instead of letting it ruin day after day.
Here are 3 tips I put together that I think will help you if you’re thinking, “my wife cheated on me and I’m lost”.
Tip #1. Get Physical!
This is one of the oldest and most useful ways of relieving emotional stress…Intense physical work. Not only is it proven to be therapeutic, it’s something you can start doing right now, night or day.
It doesn’t have to be working out, and if you’re not really the ‘fit’ type you’ll need to find a substitute. Even if all you do is start taking a 30 minute walk every day, this will almost 100% guarantee you’ll think more clearly.
However, the fact remains that intense physical work, the kind that’ll make you sweat bullets, is one of the best therapies out there. So if you can, invest a few bucks in a punching bag or a kettle bell or a gym membership or something.
I promise it’ll make you feel better.
Physical work is the safety net for many men, and I always recommend it when possible.
Tip #2. Identify What About Her Infidelity Makes You Mad
Many times the key to getting through the rage is to first understand EXACTLY where it comes from.
Okay, right now you’re thinking I’m an idiot.
I mean, obviously your mad that your wife cheated on you, right?
But here’s the thing…There are bound to be certain parts that make you more mad than others.
For example, many men hate the actual physical act of sex. For them it makes no difference whether their wife committed emotional infidelity or had a purely physical affair…It’s all the same, and it’s all equally painful for the betrayed husband.
So for many married men, the act of sex and physical contact is what they struggle to get over in an affair.
Other men, for example, find it hard to get over the fact that they’ve been lied to.
Still others can’t get over the fact that their wife wasn’t satisfied with their sex life; it shakes the betrayed spouse’s self confidence to the core.
Other men feel guilty or responsible, like they should have been able to stop the affair.
If you can identify exactly what you’re struggling to get over regarding your wife’s unfaithfulness, then you’re awareness will in and of itself make your life easier.
Tip #3. Are You Angry About the Past Relationship?
Many times, any issues that you and your wife have had in the past will come up again around the same time that you find out about her cheating. If this describes you, then you need to take this as a sign and recognize that the easiest way to work through all of it is going to be to separate out each individual issue.
It’s much easier to forgive several little problems than one big one, so let each problem be it’s own problem, and you’ll soon start to see that healing your marriage actually isn’t all that impossible.
In this type of scenario, marriage counseling or individual therapy may be helpful.
If you believe that your marriage can be saved, and you’re willing to do everything possible to get your wife back, then it’s time for you to take action. Divorce doesn’t have to be how this story ends; just give yourself and your wife a chance to change.
In the end, remember that life is short, and if you can salvage the love you had for your wife at some point and get back to the good days, then you should feel encouraged to do so. Not obligated, just encouraged.
If you’re the guy saying “Help! My wife cheated on me and I can’t let go of it!” then I hope this article has been helpful to you.

Understanding Male Psychology Will Help Get Him Back And Fall In Love With You

Eighty percent of men are distancers and 80% of women are pursuers. Women have 10-15 times more oxytocin (the bonding hormone) than men, and men have 10 times more testosterone (go-getter hormone) than women: so based on that chemical proportion alone, it’s obvious women need more closeness than what most men can give. At least when we understand this, we will be less inclined to feel abandoned or think of worst case scenarios.
He’s Really That Into You, If Only You Knew How to Inspire Him To Emotionally Attach to You
The female brains are also 35% more active than the male brains that make us compulsive thinkers. And since our natural tendency is to focus on relationship(s), most of our thoughts naturally revolve around our partners (families). We think much faster than men when it comes to relationship and coupled with capacity for emoting to the highest degree, we always tend to find something needs fixing in that department at any given moment that drives men nuts. Men just can’t keep up with our inherent and urgent needs for “connection.” We work under very different timetables and clocks (their clocks are probably broken).
Men, on the other hand, as the primordial hunters have their priorities set millions of years ago in their genes; i.e. achieving, providing, protecting, going after status in their community. Canoodling, cooing and cuddling, while serving a purpose when their mind is set to it, can only take place when everything else about being a man is taken cared of.
In other words: men can’t focus on their relationship when they are unhappy with their work, while women can’t focus on their work when they are unhappy with their relationship.
I know What You Think: Is He Emotionally Unavailable Or Is He Just Not That Into You?
So you see how we can’t be more “mismatched” and it’s no surprise we have all the typical problems in relationship. But it really doesn’t have to be that way. I think, exactly because we are so different we are attracted to each other, in a sense we complete each other like the yin and yang symbol of the Taoist.
Understanding this, now we know that guys are always much slower than women: they need their space before they have the urge to come to us. So to make them miss you more really means to be fun when you’re around him and be less available in between. Nice but not overly nice that he becomes lazy and starts taking you for granted.
Every relationship needs the balancing act of pursuing and distancing to function. Play the dynamics of distancer and pursuer to your advantage (we are both in different times/circumstances). We can practice performing this dance harmonically when we understand the basic make-up that makes men men and women women.
To understand what makes men tick: what attract and repel them, you need to learn the secret of being a high-value woman that he seeks after.
What Is A High-Value Woman And How To Become One So He Can’t Resist Committing To You?
You will learn the ultimate solution to the puzzle why he disappears or break up with you and what you can do to prevent that once and for all.
However, if you have broken up with your beloved, don’t despair because you can still get him back by implementing the advice above and use this tool to get your love life back on track:
Learn to Read A Man Reverse Your Breakup

What to Do When an Affair Ends Your Marriage – Help Dealing With the Guilt

You don’t go into a marriage planning to have an affair and hurt your spouse in the deepest way possible, but it happens all too often. In some cases an affair can highlight problems within a marriage and you can come back together stronger then ever, but in many other cases it is the final act that destroys the relationship.
If you were the one who had the affair that ultimately ended your marriage, how do you deal with the guilt? The following tips are not solid solutions as no one can promise you that, but they will direct your thinking so you have a fighting chance of freeing yourself from the guilt.
Accepting Responsibility
The first thing you need to do is to take responsibility for the affair, but not necessarily for the breakup of the marriage. We will discuss who accepts blame for the end of the marriage in a moment, but your very first step is to just accept that you had the affair and that it caused your spouse and you a lot of pain.
Many people want to hide in excuses or denial, but the guilt will always be under the surface eating you up if you do this. Make peace with the fact that you did in fact have the affair. It may even help you to admit this fact to your spouse, but don’t do that if it has been some time since the divorce. They have likely already made peace with the affair and you don’t want to re-open the scars for them.
It Wasn’t All You
It is equally important to understand that your affair was not the sole cause of the divorce. Yes, it may have been the final straw and it may have been the final act that highlighted all the other problems in your relationship, but it was not the only reason the marriage broke up.
When an affair occurs there is always a reason behind it. Solid relationships between two people who are head-over-heels in love with one another do not allow the separation and emotional void that allows an affair to occur. If someone has cheated, then there were problems within the relationship even if both parties did not recognize it prior to the affair.
You don’t necessarily have to go through rehashing what all of those marital problems may have been, but it is important to let yourself off the hook some by realizing the problems were there. You are not a horrible person for having the affair and you are not solely to blame for the destruction of the marriage.
It doesn’t matter whether or not your ex ever acknowledges that the marriage was already rocky before the affair, but it is very important that you acknowledge it.
Understand Your Needs
Now, spend some time thinking about your needs that may not have been met adequately in your marriage. This is not done to blame your ex or shift responsibility. It is done as a learning experience. Work with a therapist or a coach to identify what you were seeking when you started the affair and why those needs were not being met in the marriage.
This knowledge will help you notice warning signs in future relationships when something is not right. You will know what needs have to be met in your relationship in order for you to be happy, and, you can look for that in the future.

What Can You do to Increase Your Chances of Surviving an Affair?

It might be shocking to find out that you and your spouse have now become part of the infidelity statistics. With almost half of all marriages experiencing infidelity it shouldn’t be such a surprise. However, it’s hard to reconcile what has now happened with the head-over-heals love affair that started your marriage.
In truth, most marriages survive affairs. In fact, many even report to having stronger marriages after the affair. There are some tried and true ways to ensure that your marriage survives and even thrives after the infidelity.
Stop The Affair – This might seem like an obvious solution, but you would be shocked to find out how many people think they can keep the affair going while finding out if their marriage will work. You can’t do that. You have to end it completely without regard for yourself or if you’ll wind up alone if your marriage doesn’t survive. Showing that you are willing to give that up for your spouse will mean a lot.
Be Empathetic – Regardless of which side you happen to be on when it comes to the affair both spouses need empathy. The one who was cheated on needs more, but so does the one who cheated. Sometimes cheating spouses have even more trust issues than the non-cheating spouse. They think they are good people, and assume that since they are good and still cheated that no one is safe.
Expect Forgiveness But Not Forgetting – The hardest part of an affair is finding the way toward forgiveness and realizing that to forgive you do not need to forget. After all forgetting would only serve to lead you both back to where you were when the affair happened. No, instead you want to remember and forgive so that you can move forward in a more trusting, safer, stronger marriage.
Get Professional Help – Whether it’s a life coach, a minister, or a professional counselor, find someone who is trained in helping couples overcome infidelity. Each professional may have their own agenda. Talk to them together to ensure that they are on the same page as to your goals to work out the marriage and survive the affair. Check out the materials the person provides to ensure that your values line up.
Make Your Marriage a Priority – You may have thought you were doing that, but chances are, if an affair has happened one or both of you have not put the marriage first. Sometimes putting the marriage first has nothing to do with emotions but rather the contract you two agreed to when you got married. The marriage has to be upheld as something more important than you both individually, and sometimes more important than how you feel at the moment.
Be Willing to Answer Questions – This is especially important if you’re the one who cheated. You must be willing to answer every question from your spouse about the affair. It’s true that at some point it must be over and behind you, but the months after an affair your spouse will need to feel safe coming to you with questions. Remember that you’ve had more time to deal with this than they have. Plus, it was your choice to take the problems in your marriage this far, therefore you own most of the fallout.
Work on Yourself Too –Taking responsibility for yourself can go far in helping strengthen yourself and your marriage. Remember that you are not responsible for anything someone else does, only for what you have done. If you can get to that point, you can accept your part in anything that has gone wrong without crossing over into the blame game. Sometimes an affair is only one person’s fault, but many times a professional can trace a relationship back to when the breakdown first occurred before the affair started. If you can do that, and come out working on your own issues, and letting your spouse work on theirs – and helping each other when appropriate – then you will make it.
Recommit To the Marriage Together – Pick a time and date in the future to have a re-commitment ceremony so that you can wipe out the past and work toward the future. Having that demarcation date will help more than you know. It can be the end of the questions, the end of the pain, the end of not having intimacy with your spouse and a new beginning from which to build on the marriage.
Surround Yourself with Support – This can be a difficult thing to do. The best of all worlds is that you and your spouse simply do not tell anyone who will be less than supportive of your goal to work on your marriage. This may mean keeping information from your parents or other friends and family. But, the marriage has to come first and it’s best to keep as much of your private life private as possible if you want to ensure your marriage’s survival.
Increasing your chances of surviving an affair really just revolves around proving your commitment to each other and the marriage. You will, over time, rebuild the love and trust you once had. Maybe this time it will be even better because you and your spouse are more realistic and more mature. You may both come out of this stronger than ever and more willing to ask your spouse for the things that you need from them, thus making your marriage stronger than ever before.
What type of tip can you offer readers to help them survive an affair? Did you ever have an affair? If so, did your marriage survive? If not why not?