Women Can Effectively Manage Work And Home

Women are more dexterous and dynamic when it comes to managing office work and house chores. They have assignments to complete at work despite having a sick child at home, check their children’s school work, handle several concurrent tasks at the office, create a good atmosphere at home and manage household chores. At the start, women are energetic and bustling with vim and vigor but after a while, it can become exasperating and difficult to maintain such a hectic schedule. She will feel the effects creeping into her and she may start responding in a negative manner. read more

By America’s #1 Love and Marriage Experts.


Don’t you just hate bullies! They try to get what they want by bullying you, by intimidating you, and by making you feel inferior to them. If you are like us, this NEVER works! Yet, so many good folks succumb to the bully. And we wonder why? read more

Having Children Is Not The Purpose of Marriage

By America’s #1 Love and Marriage Experts.
In the last several years a great deal has been reported about the purpose of marriage, lamenting the fact that Americans no longer consider children among the most important purposes of marriage. While most experts are concluding that this is a negative change, we would like to offer a different perspective based on our two and one-half decades of research on successful marriage.
For the past 26 years we have conducted interviews with successfully married couples representing the collective wisdom of over 15,000 years of successful marriage in some forty countries on five continents of the world! We have reported the results of our exhaustive research in our multiple award-winning book entitled Golden Anniversaries: The Seven Secrets of Successful Marriage and in our new book (due out in mid-year 2009), entitled Simple Things Matter in Love and Marriage. Our principal conclusion based on those interviews – marriage is alive and well.
In fact, we have found seven pervasive characteristics present in all successful marriages. And guess what – the quality of the relationship between husband and wife trumps everything else in a marriage!
And you know why? It’s simple, really. Without a positive, loving, and thriving relationship between mom and dad, children often don’t prosper, they are not well-adjusted, they don’t do well in school, and they are not as healthy, both physically and mentally.
In all of our interviews over the years with couples that have a long and successful marriage, not one of them ever mentioned that the purpose of their marriage was to have children. Oh, to be sure, they loved their children very much if they had them. They were delighted that they brought children into this world and were very proud of them for the most part. But they also reported to us time and time again that it was the strength of their relationship with each other that made their marriage happy and allowed them to attend to all the myriad of responsibilities and issues present in their marriage.
Marriages thrive and survive more than anything else because of the quality of the relationship between mom and dad. It’s no more complicated than that.
Let’s look at the facts – 73%, some three-fourths, of women 30 years old and older are currently married or widowed in the United States of America. Most importantly, over 90% of all women will have been married at least once by the time they reach the age of 50.
The truth is, American’s love marriage! We just need to learn how to get it right the first time around instead of having nearly four out of every ten of our marriages end in divorce. And the simple truth is, two-thirds of those that re-marry after divorce get divorced again. Nearly 75% who get married a third time get divorced.
So you see, the relationship between mom and dad does trump everything else. Get it right and good things follow. Get it wrong and lots of bad things often happen!
A women quoted in a recent Washington Post article got it right when she said, “When I think of marriage I don’t think of children at all. I have them. But with marriage, I think of a husband and a wife, and I don’t think it’s the children that make it work.”
The purpose of marriage within the historical and social context is strengthened when the focus is on the development of a strong, positive, and blissful relationship between husband and wife. That relationship trumps everything else. Make this relationship work and everything else follows.
The Simple Things Matter in love and marriage. Love well!
By Dr. Charles D. Schmitz and Dr. Elizabeth A. Schmitz
Authors of Golden Anniversaries: The Seven Secrets of Successful Marriage
Winner of the INDIE Book Awards GOLD Medal for Best Relationship Book
Winner of the 2009 Mom’s Choice Awards GOLD Medal for Most Outstanding Relationships and Marriage Book

Lie, Steal and Cheat Your Way to Love

By America’s #1 Love and Marriage Experts.
Okay, we admit it – our favorite new love-story movie is Leap Year (2010). We simply love the movie and have now watched it three times! The movie speaks to many of the research findings we have found over the three decades we have researched successful marriage and relationships on six of the world’s seven continents.
We are particularly enamored with the movie because it is filmed in Ireland and we recently spent a week there interviewing successfully married couples. Ireland is a beautiful country with wonderful people. We took a ton of photos, and many of our photos were of places featured in the movie.
If you are interested, you can see the iTunes movie trailer for Leap Year.
A number of the scenes in the movie are places we visited during our stay in the Emerald Isle described in one of our blogs from Ireland.
One of our favorite lines in the movie went something like this – Can you lie, cheat, and steal your way to love. And before you start getting all worked up over this line, we offer you the punch line that went like this – you can lie if you lie next to me; you can steal if you steal my heart; and you can cheat if you cheat death.
We have to admit to loving those notions! And here is what they mean in a nutshell.
1. You can lie if you lie next to me. The notion we have discovered about great marriages around the world is the essence of great love – two people in love join together to form one without losing their individual identities. Make no mistake about it, when you find the person of your dreams you will always want to be with them and have them by your side. There is something wonderful and remarkable about having a soulmate – about having someone who lies next to you while you sleep – someone who makes you feel secure and cozy because you share a bed with someone you love completely and who loves you unconditionally.
2. You can steal if you steal my heart. Being in love requires one to be vulnerable. Let’s face it; giving of yourself to another human being without conditions and with great vulnerability is not an easy thing to do! But one thing is for certain – when you fall in love completely, and you do it for a lifetime, you will do it without conditions. Stealing someone’s heart and having someone steal yours is one of the great heists of life! Enjoy it!
3. You can cheat if you cheat death. One of the important lessons we have learned in our research over this years is this – successfully married people cannot imagine life without their spouse. Near the end of our interview protocol we ask this question, Can you imagine life without your spouse? The answer is always the same – NO! People in love for a lifetime know that their life is only complete when they are with their spouse. They know that their life cannot continue to be complete without spending it with the one they have loved for a lifetime. Death changes everything! People in love want to cheat death for as long as they can because life is unimaginable without each other.
You see, you can lie, cheat, and steal in your marriage – under the proper conditions, of course!
Simple Things Matter in love and marriage. Love well!
By Dr. Charles D. Schmitz and Dr. Elizabeth A. Schmitz
For more tips to enhance your relationship get the Doctor’s best-selling and multiple-award winning book Building a Love that Lasts: The Seven Surprising Secrets of Successful Marriage (Jossey-Bass/Wiley 2010) Available wherever books are sold.
Winner of the INDIE Book Awards GOLD Medal for Best Relationship Book
Winner of the 2009 Mom’s Choice Awards GOLD Medal for Most Outstanding Relationships and Marriage Book
2009 Nautilus Book Awards Winner for Relationships

Men And Depression After Divorce

A new study by Statistics Canada shows that men are more likely to suffer depression than women in the two years after a marriage or common-law relationship breaks up. The longitudinal data from the National Population Health Survey showed that men, aged 20-64, were six times more likely to report an episode of depression than men who were still married. Compare that to women, aged 20-64, were only 3.5 times more likely to report depression than women who were married. It seems that being the strong, silent type isn’t such a good strategy after all.
Interestingly, the study isolated out factors that could account for depression, such as loss of income, reduced social support and fewer children living in the household, to see if any of these things explained the depression. Even taking those important factors out, men were depressed simply because of the divorce itself. While most people worked through their depression within two years after the break-up, a significant minority were still depressed four years afterwards.
I found it interesting to see that men appear to be hit harder emotionally than women. In my experience, women certainly are more adept and willing to process and express their emotions. The vast majority of my clients are women and many of my coaching colleagues have that experience as well. Men are socialized to be the provider and problem solver of the family. They don’t have as extensive a social support network as women to support them in their divorce journey.
We’ve all heard about how men need to retreat to their cave at times. Quite often, men will jump straight into another new relationship as a way to cope with the loss, only to find that the same issues and unresolved needs surface yet again with the new partner. As the saying goes, If you can’t feel it, you can’t heal it. Starting a new relationship when you have unhealed emotional wounds is setting you, and your potential partner, up for a rocky ride.
So what’s a guy to do? I just so happen to have a few suggestions!
1. Talk It Out
Don’t suffer in silence. Reach out and find a divorce buddy you can really pour your heart out to. There are support groups specifically for men in many communities now. I just heard of one where every week men of all ages and marital status get together in a park and gather around a campfire, sharing their stories and simply listening to the others. A divorce coach or therapist can be a great resource, too.
2. Take a Time Out
Here’s a big tip: Take time to get to know yourself before jumping into the next serious relationship. Like an earthquake, divorce sends shock waves through your entire life. Give yourself time to let any aftershocks settle down before you rush out to lock into a new relationship. Make the investment to heal yourself upfront, and you’ll improve your odds of a successful future relationship significantly.
3. Women Love Vulnerable Men
There’s nothing more appealing to many women than a man who’s willing to be vulnerable and emotionally accessible. Drop the macho I can tough it out persona and let us see and feel your heart. Being real and authentic are critical for creating connected, loving relationships.

The Trials and Tribulations of Having Children in a Marriage

By America’s #1 Love and Marriage Experts.
One of the many important caveats about marriage is this – children change the dynamics of a marriage. Make no mistake about that.
Kids! We love them. We cherish them. They bring joy to our lives. When we have children in a marriage, we understand finally, and once and for all, what eternity means. While we are not immortal, we learn the meaning of everlasting life when we are blessed with children. They make us feel like we will live through time. We carry on through them. We know that through them our lives will have meaning beyond our time on this earth.
But our children are also a pain in the butt! They challenge us. They taunt us. They demand much from us. They argue with us. They divide us. They unite us. They run up one heck of a child-care bill!
On the other hand, most %0A” rel=”nofollow”>successful marriages with children wouldn’t want it any other way. They know that without a doubt, their children enrich their lives in innumerable ways. They value their children immensely. But be clear regarding this – successfully married couples with children understand the challenges they pose to a blissful and romantic marital relationship.
You thought your marriage was nearly perfect — And Then…Along Came Kids. To quote Nora Ephron in Heartburn: Having a first child is like throwing a hand grenade into a marriage. When you are responsible for the care of your children you will, without a doubt, take on some enormous stresses.
After more than 32 years of research around the world interviewing successfully married couples, one of our principal conclusions is – the quality of the relationship between husband and wife trumps everything else in a marriage! Get it right and good things follow. Get it wrong and lots of bad things often happen!
And you know why? Without a positive, loving, and thriving relationship between mom and dad, children often don’t prosper, they are not well-adjusted, they don’t do well in school, and they are not as healthy, both physically and mentally.
Our research over the years suggests that there are a number of useful tips that you can use to not only deal with the enormous stress of caregiving, but also strengthen your marriage at the same time. These tips appear on the surface to be simple, but in love, marriage and raising children the Simple Things Matter.
Tips for Parents to Strengthen Your Marriage:
1. Share openly with each other about feelings, emotions and stresses as they relate to caring for your children. In times of stress the tendency is to keep everything bottled up inside or explode at the slightest disagreement. However, this approach will not work if you want your %0A” rel=”nofollow”>marriage to survive and thrive. In successful marriages there are No Sacred Cows. Simply speaking, happily married couples talk about everything. All subjects are fair game. They trust each other. They rely on each other’s good judgment. They depend upon each other for truth and straight talk. They share insights about everything—the good, the bad and the ugly. They are each other’s best friends.
2. Make a conscious effort to keep the flame of your love affair alive with each other everyday. Can you rattle off a list of activities, topics and places you and your spouse include in your personal book of fun and romance? Have you found what clears your mind and gives you an unobstructed view of your world together? What type of priority do you place on making time for fun and romance with each other in your hectic lives? If you cannot answer these questions easily, you need to start today by carving out time to have a romantic date with each other, bring home flowers, get a hotel room, go for a long walk together, drink a bottle of wine watching the sunset, write a love note, and snuggle or in bed a little longer in the morning.
3. Don’t blame each other when things get tough, as casting blame never solved a problem. The blame game doesn’t work in love and marriage. It is destructive. There is a natural tendency in tough times to blame the one you love for your collective misfortune, but people in love don’t blame, castigate, or chastise each other in challenging times. The truth is, there usually is no one to blame for the situation. Someone has to take care of the children and the job just fell to you.
4. Don’t wallow in self-pity; it is a wasted emotion. No problem has ever been solved by feeling sorry for yourself or your situation. Trying to pretend you are the perfect super mom while you are totally overwhelmed can only result in the wasted emotion of self-pity and even more stress. Successful couples grab the bull by the horns and work for solutions – recognizing that running a household is not easy. Making a family work is, clearly, difficult even in the best of times and even more challenging when you are the caregiver for your children.
5. Enhance your love relationship by providing each other occasional time for privacy and aloneness. The recognition of the absolute need for privacy and aloneness is, in our judgment after analyzing thousands of interviews, critical to successful marriages. The amount of time available to satisfy these two needs varies from one marriage to another and from one marriage partner to another, and can increase during times of stress. We live such hectic lives at work, at home and when raising children that the time to be alone with our own thoughts is paramount to our ability to engage in any meaningful communication with each other. The quality of communication can only be enhanced between the two of you after refreshing your mind and spirit with alone time. You have to belong to yourself before you can belong to others. Unfortunately, moms spend so much time caring for others that they don’t take the time to realize their own needs. You can’t take good care of others if you don’t take good care of yourself.
You brought your children into this world with the greatest of love and now you have to balance all of the stresses they bring to your marriage. Your children won’t be with your forever, so enjoy them while you can. Believe it or not they grow up oh so quickly. Cherish those precious moments with your children but remember that — the quality of the relationship between mom and dad trumps everything else.
Creating a %0A” rel=”nofollow”>successful marriage is not always the easiest thing to do. Your visiting our blog suggests you are highly interested in making your marriage work! And truthfully, we have learned over 30 years of marriage research that there are proven effective ways to ensure a happy and healthy marriage. In fact, we took hundreds of tips from the thousands of happy couples we interviewed and put them into our award-winning and bestselling book, Building a Love that Lasts .
Today, you can see how you stack up to the best marriages around the world. Take the Marriage Quiz to assess your chances of achieving a successful marriage of your own and buy How to How to Marry the Right Guy, to find out if your guy has the essential 33 characteristics to be a great husband.
In love and marriage the simple things matter. Love well!
By Drs. Charles and Elizabeth Schmitz
America’s #1 Love and Marriage Experts

Worries Men Have About Marriage

Right before getting hitched, all men will have to deal with their worries. They can differ from each guy, and it doesn’t help that men don’t open up and talk about their fears. They are often what are preventing him from proposing, or even getting married. If you could understand them and help them, then conceivably it would free him in taking the next step ahead in the relationship. So here are some worries men worry about before becoming engaged.
Is there someone better out there?
Many individuals grow up conceiving in the concept of a one true love, finding the soul mate. One of his worries may be that he hasn’t met her yet, and that he might be making the misstep of passing by her, or meeting her after getting hitched.
Men need to realize that soul mates aren’t so much met, as they are made. Relationships take time, commitment, and sweat to make beautiful. They aren’t just walked upon, so he can quit looking outwards to find her, but look inwards to growing one with you.
When the marriage is over, things aren’t as good
Marriage is one of the last expected highlights people look to in life. So the anticipation that all things in life go sour and get less involved from there is connected to getting married. This is an anxiety he could be going through and why he hesitates to commit.
It’s unjust that this myth is blamed on weddings. The myth should really be blamed on people who let their lives get so dull. The only way all things go sour from there, is if people let it happen. People need adventurous goals in their lives to live rewarding and thrilling lives and this is the single thing that will prevent a boring life. A woman can help that change.
She will change
Because he’s devoted to the relationship, she will change, she will let things change and perhaps the way she treats him will be different as well.
Let him understand that if she hasn’t already changed or let things slide after dating him for such a long time, she isn’t about to change after marriage. They’re just his fears playing in his mind.
Will I still have personal space?
Men don’t like being crowded. In relationships they demand to continue their individuality and be presented their own free time and space, more so than women do. One of his worries is that his spouse will overcrowd him and reject him his private zone after they’re married. What’s worse is that throughout the planning periods of the engagement where much of his focus is necessary, he can imagine this as how life together is going to be and the amount of his attention will be needed.
Grant him to take a break from the arrangements from time to time and don’t go into his personal space too often. Never forget that designing weddings for guys isn’t as exciting as women find it. Giving him the distance he wants will show him that you see his need for room and that you are willing to take care of his wants for the rest of his life.
Will the relationship change?
He has noticed it in like couples that have gotten wed. He’s seen how it seems when the honeymoon phase is complete. Some spouses end up hating and fighting with one another. One of his fears is that your feelings for each other will be altered after getting married.
Keeping in mind the unsavory things can be a lot simpler to remember than the best experiences. Suggest to him that there are couples that make it, and have stimulating and satisfying lives. All dates take commitment, experience, and dedication. Let him realize that his engagement is not in the hands of destiny alone, but in his hands and will develop as much as he wants and puts in the time.
No longer free to make his own choices
After committing to marriage his obligations and devotion will no longer be only for himself, they will become for his wife. If children come eventually, he will have even less time and strength for personal use. His anxiety is that more and more of his life is disappearing from his hands as he takes these steps in a new direction.
Explain to him that as much as he spends time and energy to his wife and children, they will be the ones handing it back to him, in the form of; bliss, love, purpose, and accomplishment in life. He won’t just be pouring out without receiving anything in trade; he will be receiving from the very individuals he contributes to, which is what love is all about.
What about his freedom?
His friends have probably joked around with him about how life for him is over, how he can’t have independence or time to himself. This can create an anxiety that he will have no free-will after getting wed, that his decisions will be left up to his woman.
There is a price in getting wed, and there are sacrifices that are joined along with engagements. However, what was left out of that strand of reflection is that there are benefits that come with it as well. Where he sacrifices his single life, there is much to look up to in a joint lifestyle. Remind him of the happily married guys he knows.
We know that men can be stubborn when it comes to being open about their fears. Understanding what he is concerned about in getting married will help us comprehend how he thinks. Learning how to answer his fears can help calm them. Through proper talking you may be able to make him to take the next steps upward in a relationship.
More Interesting Articles to Read:
Reasons Why He Broke Up Without a Reason
What men want

By America’s #1 Love and Marriage Experts.


Today is a day to remember! Our publisher officially released our multiple award-winning book in paperback! Our labor of love – our heart’s work for the past 26+ years – has come to fruition in a format that will reach even more people. read more

How Important Is Trust In Marriage?

By America’s #1 Love and Marriage Experts.
Successfully married couples literally trust each other with their lives, their wellbeing, and their sacred honor. The words they use to describe the one they love more often than not include words and expressions like trust, honesty, loyalty, respects me, admires me, always there for me, never lets me down, truthful, and never lies to me. Their trust for each other is about as complete as you can get.
In our interviews with thousands of happily married couples throughout the world, we are always struck by their undying trust in each other. Over the past 30 years, when we asked couples in love to place, in an overall sense, where their relationship is on a 10-point scale with 10 being Absolute Trust, without exception, they say 10! Isn’t that wonderful? As love and marriage experts, we find that remarkable!
Trust is not something all loving relationships start with. For some couples the trust becomes complete in a few years. For others, it takes awhile. But one thing is for sure; happy marriages survive and thrive on the basis of this trust. Trust is so pervasive in their relationship that they never give it a second thought. They expect it. It’s always there. It is part of the fabric of their relationship.
To be truly in love is to be unequivocally and unconditionally dedicated to the one you love. Successfully married couples never cheat on their spouse! To betray your spouse in intimate ways is to destroy your relationship, make no mistake about that. Most marriages cannot recover from this form of betrayal. Don’t fool yourself into thinking it can. As love and marriage experts, we can confirm that once lost, trust cannot be fully regained.
There is one thing you can take to the bank—all people in love have faced temptations in their relationship. Couples who are truly in love in their relationship know that a few moments of sexual satisfaction can NEVER replace the loving, trusting, and caring relationship they have developed with their mate. As someone once said to us, I have a marriage license but I didn’t give up my looking license! Admiring others in intimate ways is normal and healthy. But acting on those urges has ruined many a marriage and many a loving relationship.
Those wonderful couples we have interviewed resist these normal urges and temptations of life because they know their relationship is so much more important to them. Destroying the trust between them would literally cause the very foundation of their relationship to crumble. Destroy that foundation and you destroy your love. When you do so there is rarely redemption—there is rarely ever reconciliation.
Character in a successful marriage or relationship does matter, and character is about trust. Being honest and trustworthy is at the heart of all the best loving relationships we have studied. It really is a 10 on a 10-point scale. In our estimation, character is the foundation of true love!
Creating a successful marriage is not always the easiest thing to do. Your visiting our blog suggests you are highly interested in making your marriage work! And truthfully, we have learned over 30 years of marriage research that there are proven effective ways to ensure a happy and healthy marriage. In fact, we took hundreds of tips from the thousands of happy couples we interviewed and put them into our award-winning and bestselling book, Building a Love that Lasts .
Today, you can see how you stack up to the best marriages around the world. Take the Marriage Quiz to assess your chances of achieving a successful marriage of your own.
you witness the signs, take action. Save your relationship if you can. Having a healthy and happy marriage is one of the great success stories of life. It is not too late to save your marriage.
In love and marriage the simple things matter. Love well!
By Drs. Charles and Elizabeth Schmitz
America’s #1 Love and Marriage Experts

Looking for Love in All the Right Places

By America’s #1 Love and Marriage Experts.
We believe that many folks are afraid of marriage because they read the dire predictions about marriage in the news, they watch way too much television where the focus is, more often than not, on glorifying sex and multiple relationships, and because they hear too many people belittling the value and sanctity of marriage. It’s a shame really because it causes people desperate for love to look for love in all the wrong places.
There is science involved in understanding why so many marriages beyond the first one fail. People desperate for love go to singles bars, nightclubs, parties, etc. Now ask yourself this very honest and forthright question – do you really expect that your best chance to find Mr. or Ms. Right is through one of these venues? That is not to say that it doesn’t happen from time to time, but we suspect that people looking for lasting love in these places rarely find it. This is not meant as a criticism of these venues so much as our attempt to open your eyes to the limited chances of finding someone to spend your life with in places like this.
Our advice is go to places where you are more likely to find another person looking for true and lasting love – at church or synagogue, at volunteer opportunities, by belonging to social organizations like dance clubs, at interest-oriented meetings such as book clubs, car clubs, outdoor organizations or community action groups, at the bookstore over a cup of coffee, or at work (this gets a little complicated!), to name a few. If you meet a person doing what you enjoy doing the most, chances are, you will find a person who shares your same interests and passions. Make a list of all of the things you love doing, then start doing them.
Fairly recent on the matchmaking front are the dating services and on-line dating sites. There is still no clear conclusion about the long-term success rate or validity of the matching capabilities of these services. However, one thing is for sure, much caution has to be used when engaging these services. For tips on things to watch out for see: Does online dating lead to marriage?
In our judgment a principle cause of divorce is because people end up married to the wrong person after searching for love in all the wrong places. Start doing what you enjoy the most and you will be looking for love in the right places. We are confident you will find the one you can love and who will love you for a lifetime.
Simple Things Matter in love and marriage. Love well!
By Dr. Charles D. Schmitz and Dr. Elizabeth A. Schmitz
For more tips to enhance your relationship get the Doctor’s best-selling and multiple-award winning book Building a Love that Lasts: The Seven Surprising Secrets of Successful Marriage (Jossey-Bass/Wiley 2010) Available wherever books are sold.
Winner of the INDIE Book Awards GOLD Medal for Best Relationship Book
Winner of the 2009 Mom’s Choice Awards GOLD Medal for Most Outstanding Relationships and Marriage Book
2009 Nautilus Book Awards Winner for Relationships

Never Go To Bed Mad At Each Other

By America’s #1 Love and Marriage Experts.
On the Today Show a remarkable segment aired. It was remarkable not because it was good or enlightening, but because it wasn’t. In fact, it was downright misleading and irresponsible based upon the research evidence, and we want to comment on it.
A psychologist and the managing editor of Good Housekeeping were on the Today Show to proclaim that the notion of never go to bed mad at each other was a myth. Imagine, calling such a time-honored notion a myth. Listening to them made our skin crawl and here’s why – credible research does not support what they said.
As many of our readers know, we have been researching successful marriages for almost 30 years. We have interviewed thousands of successfully married couples in 46 countries on six continents of the world, learning a lot about what makes good marriages work.
Towards the end of our interview protocol we ask these wonderful couples if they could offer three pieces of advice that we could share with newlyweds. And guess what, the number one piece of advice they have given, and it is has been consistent over three decades of research, is Never go to bed mad at each other!
Remember, this advice comes from thousands of happily married couples. The advice they give isn’t designed to shock the media with something unusual or out of the ordinary. These are the words of couples with a proven track record. Frankly, we got the impression when we watched the Today Show that the purpose of referring to Never go to bed mad at each other as a myth was to get a spot on a highly watched morning television show! But the sad truth is, their message was a terrible message to send to newly married couples. Our fear – they just might listen to the advice they heard on TV and that would be a big mistake in our judgment.
From time to time you hear so-called experts throw out information as if it were scientific fact. People believe it as if it were gospel. The problem is, much of what you hear has no scientific or research base.
The good news about the notion of Never go to bed made at each other – it is based on research from those who would know best – those who have been happily, blissfully, and successfully married for 30-60 years!
Married couples do, from time to time, have disagreements. They argue over big things and little things. They argue over stuff that doesn’t matter and stuff that does. But here is what we have learned from 30 years of research – successfully married couples rarely ever go to bed without resolving their differences on an issue, be it big or small. Many report to us that they have stayed up all night trying to bring closure to an issue that has divided them. They know that gaining resolution is far more important than getting a good night’s sleep. And remember this, issues that are not attended to more often than not fester through the night and only appear worse in the morning.
Do not be fooled by those who tell you that it is not important to resolve divisive issues before you go to bed. They are simply misguided and the advice they give can be hurtful to your relationship. Accept the advice of those who know – those whose marriages are happy and have stood the test of time.
In love and marriage the simple things matter. Love well!
By Dr. Charles D. Schmitz and Dr. Elizabeth A. Schmitz
For hundreds of tips to enhance your relationship get the Doctor’s best-selling and multiple-award winning book Building a Love that Lasts: The Seven Surprising Secrets of Successful Marriage (Jossey-Bass/Wiley 2010) Available wherever books are sold.
Winner of the INDIE Book Awards GOLD Medal for Best Relationship Book
Winner of the Mom’s Choice Awards GOLD Medal for Most Outstanding Relationships and Marriage Book
Nautilus Book Awards Winner for Relationships

There is No Recovery from Infidelity

By America’s #1 Love and Marriage Experts.
Frankly, if we hear yet one more person talk about infidelity in a relationship as if it were okay, not a big deal, and forgivable, we are going to get angry!
We have studied the best marriages for nearly 28 years and we know this – the best marriages would never engage in unfaithfulness – they would never engage in infidelity.
Here is the whole truth and nothing but the truth – being disloyal to the one you love is an unpardonable sin! Why would anyone who engages in this disloyal, dishonest, and morally reprehensible behavior think it is okay? To betray someone you purport to love is unconscionable. And as we often say, based on our years of research with successfully married couples, there is a character element to marriage and to violate the code of conduct in a marriage – to engage in the ultimate form of betrayal – is to destroy the core, the heart, of that relationship.
As you have noticed over the years, we are not angry people. Clearly, we are not unreasonable people. And the truth is, we know what makes marriages work. Being unfaithful to the one you love is not conducive to a wholesome, successful, and endearing relationship.
Here’s the deal – there are NO excuses for infidelity! There is no way to excuse infidelity. Being unfaithful to the one you love is the most unpardonable of all sins. To violate the core of trust in your marriage or loving relationship is, simply put, to destroy the relationship.
It is our considered opinion – based on many years of research on six continents of the world and 45 countries – that the notion of character in marriage is real. To suggest otherwise is to ignore the basic tenets of successful relationships. We guess that it is time to say, The buck stops here! Literally translated – there are no excuses for disloyalty and infidelity to your spouse – to your lover.
Over the years, we have interviewed a lot of people who purported to be in love. We have interviewed a lot of couples that repeated the vows, Until Death Do Us Part. And these are not just words! To love someone for a lifetime does not occur by accident. To be in love is not an accident. To be in love is to do the simple things day in and day out of your relationship with the one you say you love. But trust us on this – you cannot betray the one you love and expect your marriage to survive and thrive.
It pains our heart to see couples espouse the virtues of the Desperate Housewives who think it’s okay to cheat on the one your love, and everything will be okay. It drives an arrow through our heart to think that there are people engaged in a loving relationship who think that betrayal is an offense for which there is forgiveness.
The ultimate betrayal of the one you say you love is an unrecoverable act! Writers, therapists, counselors, and psychologists who suggest otherwise are not only fooling themselves, they are misleading those they purport to represent.
Don’t be fooled and don’t be foolish. There is rarely EVER a recovery from a relationship that sinks to betrayal, infidelity, and disloyalty. Those who have been successfully married for years and years know this to be true. Once you cheat on your spouse, absolute trust – so central to the core of successful marriage – is NEVER regained. Don’t be misled by those who suggest otherwise, they are promoting a lie. Our advice to you – NEVER cheat on your spouse!
Simple Things Matter in love and marriage. Love well!
**For hundreds of practical tips to strengthen your love, read the best-selling and multiple-award winning book Building a Love that Lasts: The Seven Surprising Secrets of Successful Marriage (Jossey-Bass/Wiley 2010) Available wherever books are sold.
By Dr. Charles D. Schmitz and Dr. Elizabeth A. Schmitz

Your Marriage in Trouble – Is a Trial Separation the Way to Go?

Your relationship has gotten so bad that you are talking about divorce – when you are talking at all. Should you consider a trial separation? Why and why not.
A trial separation is a huge step to take – an acknowledgement that your marriage is on the brink of collapse – a public statement of your situation that can no longer be hidden from your children, family, and friends. Choosing to live apart for a time is not an action to be undertaken lightly – but neither is divorce.
When a trial separation is probably a poor choice:
1. You are both sure that you want the marriage to work and are committed to making changes to create a better relationship. If you are not actively considering divorce, don’t consider a trial separation either – regardless of your day-to-day conflicts.
2. One or both of you are sure that you want a divorce. A workable trial separation requires both parties to be in civil communication, and to agree that there is some possibility for the future of the relationship. If either your partner or you knows they want a divorce, a “trial separation” would be a painful farce.
3. Something unacceptable has occurred in your relationship. Physical violence or threats of violence are always unacceptable. You may or may not also consider adultery or other behaviors unacceptable.
4. One or both of you intends to date or have sex with someone else during the “trial separation” period. If either of you desires to be intimate outside the relationship, just get the divorce and be done with it.
5. Either of you is sure that the other is 100% to blame for your difficulties. Reconciliation – whether through a trial separation or otherwise – requires YOU to change. If you are unwilling to consider making changes, file for divorce now.
A trial separation is likely to produce a good outcome when you and your partner agree that either reconciliation or divorce are possible and acceptable outcomes of your current difficulties. Both of you understand that the purpose of a trial separation is to reach a mutually acceptable conclusion about the viability of your marriage.
A trial separation has NOT failed if you both end up amicably agreeing to divorce. A trial separation is a time to weigh both options – without attachment to either.
The benefits of a trial separation are the opportunity to:
1. Eliminate co-dependence. Spending time away from your partner, provides each of you with the space to develop self-assurance and minimize neediness.
2. Develop self-responsibility. When there is no one else to blame, life looks different, and provides an opening to become more aware and responsible.
3. Explore new interests. Develop new hobbies. Join affinity groups. Try a photography group or a book club.
4. Experience a relatively stress-free cooling-off period and gain a more detached perspective.
5. Minimize the stress on your young children. While some experts would argue that having one parent move out of the home increases the stress on children, I believe that the benefit of no longer seeing Mommy and Daddy fighting far outweighs any negative effects.
If you do opt for a trial separation, it is important to:
1. Deepen your support system. Share yourself even more deeply with those who know and love you.
2. Become more introspective about your situation. Keep a daily journal. Consider what you like about yourself and your life. Consider what you would like to change about yourself, as well as your relationship.

By America’s #1 Love and Marriage Experts.


We have witnessed time and time again marriages in which one or both partners failed to understand the importance of being alone, not only for themselves, but for their spouse as well. read more

How to Deal with Money Problems in a Marriage

By America’s #1 Love and Marriage Experts.
While times are tougher than normal in the country today, the best marriages and love affairs will sustain the test of tough times for all the right reasons – during good or bad times the best loving relationships find ways to survive and thrive.
The more important question through all this is, How do we as a married couple, or lovers engaged in a loving relationship, make sure we sustain our love affair through all this turmoil, through all this uncertainty?
As we stated so clearly in one of our books entitled Building a Love that Lasts, people in love must talk sense when dealing with their dollars. Here’s what we mean.
Balancing the family budget requires teamwork. It requires common goals. It most certainly requires family support. People in love support each other through thick and thin – through tough financial times and uncertainty.
People in love don’t blame, castigate, or chastise each other in tough economic times. They work together to make ends meet and to prepare for tomorrow.
There is a natural tendency in tough times to blame the one you love for your collective misfortune. There is, sadly, the desire to find a scapegoat when times get tough. There is, unfortunately, the need to find someone to blame when your economic fortunes go south. But it doesn’t have to be that way because the truth is, there usually is no one to blame for your misfortune.
People in love don’t wallow in self-pity. They grab the bull by the horns and work for solutions – recognizing that running a household is not easy. Making a family work is, clearly, difficult even in the best of times. But the unequivocal truth is this – if you don’t view your relationship as one requiring teamwork, all is lost. If you don’t work together to address head-on the economic challenges of your relationship with each other, there is little hope of success.
Whether you lost your job due to downsizing or whether you had to take a pay cut to keep the job you have, always remember this, what sustains your relationship is being in love with someone you trust – someone you would trust with you love, your sacred honor, and with your life.
In summary, here are the seven most important actions you can take to deal with your financial issues together:
1. Communicate openly about all financial issues in your relationship. You are in this together. Never make a major purchase without talking it over with your spouse and sleeping on it. You would be surprised at the number of purchases you don’t make if you sleep on it! Financial communication and sharing is the best insurance that you both agree on the purchase. It prevents a serious fault finding session later, if the decision was a bad one from a financial point of view.
2. Don’t run up a butt load of debt. This is the number one cause of stress in marital relationships. Too much month at the end of each paycheck makes it tough to relax and enjoy life together. Work out a budget together and stick to it. Put off purchasing anything that you can until you save enough money to pay for it.
3. Approach all financial problems as a team, setting goals for resolving your financial setbacks. These are after all our problems not my problems and your problems. Agreeing on a course of action together provides the clarity of purpose necessary for finding a solution.
4. Don’t blame each other if things go wrong. The blame game doesn’t work in love and marriage.
5. Don’t wallow in self-pity; it is a wasted emotion. No financial problem has ever been solved by feeling sorry for yourself or your situation. Climbing out of financial difficulties takes focus and a positive team approach.
6. Take ACTION today to begin addressing your financial issues together. When you are in love being the Lone Ranger doesn’t earn you bonus points.
7. Celebrate each time you have a financial success such as paying off a credit card or finding a way to cut expenses. Fiscal responsibility is a virtue. Taking time to celebrate together creates the feeling that the next goal is even more achievable.
Times do occasionally get tough, but here’s the bottom line – if you have a loving and trusting relationship with someone, believe in that. If you love someone completely, then understand that your true love will sustain you through the best of times, and the worst of times.
The financial difficulties you are experiencing will improve if you work together to find solutions and build a team approach to handling money matters in your marriage.
In love and marriage the simple things matter. Love well!
By Dr. Charles D. Schmitz and Dr. Elizabeth A. Schmitz
For hundreds of tips to enhance your relationship get the Doctor’s best-selling and multiple-award winning book Building a Love that Lasts: The Seven Surprising Secrets of Successful Marriage (Jossey-Bass/Wiley 2010) Available wherever books are sold.
Winner of the INDIE Book Awards GOLD Medal for Best Relationship Book
Winner of the Mom’s Choice Awards GOLD Medal for Most Outstanding Relationships and Marriage Book
Nautilus Book Awards Winner for Relationships

Love is Colorblind to Those in Love

Real Love Is Colorblind
By America’s #1 Love and Marriage Experts.
The romantic 1955 movie, Love is a Many Splendored Thing, tells the story of an American reporter who falls in love with a Eurasian doctor. And as you might have guessed, they encounter prejudice from both of their families. Such prejudice was, unfortunately, all too common in 1955. It is all too common in 2011.
People in love it seems do not always find a colorblind world. That’s too bad. Love is love. People, who are in love, love each other irrespective of their race, creed, color, or national origin. True love between two people is colorblind – never forget that! Love does not see color, it only sees love.
In the nearly three decades we have studied successful loving relationships we have often encountered people in love who have suffered the slings and arrows of misfortune because their relationship was a bi-racial one, or in many cases, a multi-racial relationship. Often times, there are people who observe others in love, but they do not always just see love. They see race. They see people who are different. Their prejudices take over. The dark side of some takes over. Too bad.
During the film, Love is a Many Splendored Thing, some intensely romantic meetings occur on a high and windswept hill. The song lyrics are clearly audible during many parts of the film.
This intensely romantic song touches the heart. It touched our heart. It will touch yours. It goes like this:
Once on a high and windy hill,
In the morning mist, two lovers kissed,
And the world stood still.
You see, two people in love know their love for each other is timeless. They know their love is unconditional. They know it transcends everything else, even prejudice. Love between two people who are truly in love trumps everything else.
There is another line from the song that we think is particularly lovely:
Love is nature’s way of giving.
A reason to be living.
Love must be shared. Love must be enjoyed. Love, quite frankly, is nature’s way of telling people in love that they have many reasons to live – that they have many reasons to spend their life with the one they love.
There is another message about love. Love, when it comes your way, must be embraced. When you fall in love, you must seize the moment. Love does not always wait. When you fall in love, when you feel it completely, you must seize the moment:
Love is a many splendored thing
It’s the April rose that only grows in the early spring.
When you fall in love, when you fall deeply in love, there is a good chance it will be forever. True love is between two individuals who see only love when they gaze into each other’s eyes. Those in love do not see race, color, national origin, or prejudice. They see only love.
Love is a many splendored thing. Love is colorblind to those in love, and it should be to those who observe those in love.
In love and marriage the simple things matter. Love well!
By Dr. Charles D. Schmitz and Dr. Elizabeth A. Schmitz
For hundreds of tips to enhance your relationship get the Doctor’s best-selling and multiple-award winning book Building a Love that Lasts: The Seven Surprising Secrets of Successful Marriage (Jossey-Bass/Wiley 2010) Available wherever books are sold.
Winner of the INDIE Book Awards GOLD Medal for Best Relationship Book
Winner of the Mom’s Choice Awards GOLD Medal for Most Outstanding Relationships and Marriage Book
Nautilus Book Awards Winner for Relationships

On Valentine’s Day the Core Values of Love Matter

By America’s #1 Love and Marriage Experts.
Valentine’s Day is just around the corner. Commit to the seven core values of successful love and marriage and you can make your Valentine’s Day the best ever.
We have learned a lot about successful love and marriage in the USA and around the world over these past 32 years. The results of our studies are shared in our multiple award winning book entitled Building a Love that Lasts. In this article we would like to do is share with you what we have found to be the Seven Core Values of All Loving Relationships.
Over the past 32 years, we have learned much about what makes great marriages tick – about what makes them successful. Even in spite of ominous odds from time to time, the best marriages survive and thrive, and we know why! They survive and thrive because they are committed to the Core Values present in all great marriages and successful loving relationships. Here they are in a nutshell.
1. The couple in love is committed to always putting each other first in their relationship with each other.
The first thing you notice in all highly successful loving relationships is that those who purport to be in love recognize that their relationship is not about you and me, it is about US. Discovering that YOU are not the center of the universe is the hallmark of a great relationship. Actually putting another human being number one is a powerful indication that you are truly in love.
2. The couple in love is committed to democracy in their relationship.
Always remember, successful loving relationships are egalitarian. Namely, the best relationships understand that theirs is a shared relationship. If one person has all the power and makes all the decisions, it is NOT love! True love is a very democratic thing!
3. The couple in love is committed to ensuring their mutual happiness.
Remember, true love is not just about ensuring your happiness. More importantly, and often for the first time in your life, you actually enjoy and are motivated by ensuring the happiness of someone other than yourself. It is a good feeling!
4. The couple in love values absolute trustworthiness and integrity in their relationship with each other.
If you cannot trust the one you love, then it is not true love! Trust us on that. The most successful loving relationships report that they trust their mate unequivocally and without hesitation. To violate that trust is to undermine and, ultimately destroy, the relationship with the one you say you love.
5. The couple in love is committed to caring and unconditional love for each other.
When you truly love someone you do so without conditions. It is not about loving you IF . . . True love is unconditional.
6. The couple in love is committed to being mutually respectful towards each other.
There is a Golden Rule in true love and it is like the one you learned early in your life – Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Do not expect to be treated with respect when you are disrespectful to the one you love. Respectfulness is at the heart of all great loving relationships.
7. The couple in love values their mutual sense of responsibility for each other.
People in love care for each other in ways that they have never cared for another human being. They feel a sense of responsibility for another person that they have never felt before. It feels so good to put another’s needs above your own. To do so is to love deeply.
The Core Values of all successful loving relationships are at the heart of the matter. If you and your mate master these values, your love will, in all probability, last a lifetime. What a Valentine’s Day gift that would be!
Simple Things Matter in Love and Marriage, particularly on Valentine’s Day. Love well!
Read How to Marry the Right Guy, to find out if the man you think you are in love with is marriage material.
By Drs. Charles and Elizabeth Schmitz
America’s #1 Love and Marriage Experts
* Creating a %0A” rel=”nofollow”>successful marriage is not always the easiest thing to do. Your visiting our blog suggests you are highly interested in making your relationship work! And truthfully, we have learned over 30 years of marriage research that there are proven effective ways to ensure a happy and healthy marriage. In fact, as love and marriage experts we took hundreds of tips from the thousands of happy couples we interviewed throughout the world and put them into our award-winning and bestselling book, Building a Love that Lasts

Toilet seats can come between you and your spouse!

By America’s #1 Love and Marriage Experts.
As we say repeatedly, the simple things matter in love and marriage. Do the simple things and your marriage or loving relationship will prosper.
Charley learned his lesson some 43 years ago! He grew up in a rural area of Missouri back when outhouses were more prevalent than toilets that flushed! When we first got married some 43 years ago, Charley, the consummate gentleman as Liz refers to him, had to learn an important lesson about toilet seats.
As it turns out, toilet seats are designed to protect women and save marriages! There are four kinds of husbands when it comes to Toilet Seat Love. Here they are, briefly described.
First, husband number one goes to the bathroom. He lifts the seat and goes, then replaces the seat in its down position. Wife loves husband when he does this! The marriage is saved!
Husband number two fails to lift the seat and, thusly, goes ON the seat. But, being a kind and respectful husband, he cleans up his mess with a handful of Kleenex. Wife still loves husband but not as much.
The third kind of husband goes to the bathroom, doesn’t lift the seat, goes ON seat, doesn’t clean seat, and wife sits in his mess later that day. Wife is not happy with husband! Trust us on this.
The fourth kind of husband raises the seat before he goes, but leaves seat in the upright position when he is done. Later that day, wife sits in the toilet bowl and the impact splashes toilet bowl contents on the floor. Occasionally, she gets stuck in bowl and needs assistance in getting out. Wife does not love husband when he does this. The marriage is in jeopardy!
We hope you enjoyed the levity of this little story but, more importantly, you find its meaning to be helpful as you think about the simple things that make your loving relationship with someone else thrive. Toilet Seat Love describes just one of those simple things that really matter. Always remember that lasting relationships and successful marriages are built on an accumulation of the simple things.
Simple Things Matter in love and marriage. Love well!
By Dr. Charles D. Schmitz and Dr. Elizabeth A. Schmitz
Authors of the best-selling book and multiple-award winning book Building a Love that Lasts: The Seven Surprising Secrets of Successful Marriage (Jossey-Bass/Wiley 2010) Available wherever books are sold.
Winner of the INDIE Book Awards GOLD Medal for Best Relationship Book
Winner of the 2009 Mom’s Choice Awards GOLD Medal for Most Outstanding Relationships and Marriage Book
2009 Nautilus Book Awards Winner for Relationships

Why Passive Aggressive Behavior is so Hard to Grasp When You Are in Love

It seems to be a silent but growing epidemic of miscommunication between people in any kind of relationships. If you read forum comments, help requests are popping up everywhere, and the hurt from miscommunication seems to be a shared national pain.
Several factors have contributed to the prevailing attitude of non-confrontational, evasive behavior we can finally call passive aggressive. What happened to old fashioned personal, deep dialogue?
People are now more used to accept loneliness;
we don’t know how to manage confrontations with love and respect;
we can’t accept other people’s negative feedback, etc.
Whatever the reasons to use this confusing art of “talking without getting into anything deep,” let’s look at its impact on marriage.
As you can’t not communicate with others, (we are social beings, remember?) you can communicate with others in such a way that it denies the basic purpose of communication that is to connect people with each other…How?
People say general things, never in a direct way, and let the other person guess the meaning of the words spoken to avoid confusion;
Or change the subject to something neutral like the news, or the weather, all to avoid being present and responsible in the interaction.
People don’t accept responsibility for their own behaviors, and edge, deny, or avoid going deeper into some relational conflict, as to never have to propose needed changes to their own behavior.
In short, some people are officially married but so compromised by their own need to avoid what they consider a dangerous enmeshment with the spouse as to sabotage the real heart of connection, that is simple, direct and responsible conversation.
This is a direct attack to the heart of any love relationship, where developing trust and learning to share our intimate aspects are the tasks we need to learn at this stage of our lives. And the consequences are devastating:
We have women saying of this emotional isolation: I’m single in a marriage with three children…
What do we need to learn of this behavior?
The first point to understand is that this passive aggressive spouse has grown up perfecting a non-relational communication style.
He has a permanent challenge in his mind:
Who can say the most words without giving the other person any personal information of importance?
Who can use language to confuse and disorient the other and make her believe that this is a personal relationship, when in reality is an old battle against some controlling figures of his past?
Who can be the master of this game of gas-lighting the other without paying any price and enjoying all the benefits of being married without being personally engaged?
In this frame of thinking, given that this behavior is a legitimate response developed along time to protect the self against intrusive, demeaning and overly critical parents, the newcomer, (the new bride or wife) has not created it.
Given that being elusive and prone to hiding his emotions, especially his anger is a response learned way back, it is not now a response to her behaviors…it’s his normal response to everything that happens in his world, his marriage included.
Why does she prefers to believe that is her the caused of his morose responses or lack of?
First, he tells her exactly that he is behaving so because she did X;
Second, believing it gives her some power: if she caused this behavior, she can do something to prevent or change it….so with her change will come the right husband she dreams of.
Now, comes the unconscious pact in which both will spend 20-30 years battling each other. Mostly of the women responding to our surveys in the blog share stories of being married for more than 20 years when they finally they realize that the passive aggressive response is always there, that there is no change but minimal, and that they have been alone in a marriage for too long!
Why do they take so long to realize what’s going on?
The confusing impact of passive aggressive language is one powerful reason, because it prevents her insight. She is blinded by her love.
The second one is her relentless hope that she can change their husband by doing better in the house, taking care of this or that aspect, etc.
When everything fails, at least there is power in realizing that:
It is his behavior, adopted to defend himself since his childhood;
There is little or nothing she can do to change it;
She is neglecting her own personal growth in a battle that was lost from the beginning.
When she has the courage to see the real picture, then she can have a plan to develop her own sources of love and companionship.

Your Wife Wants Space! How to Handle This in a Compassionate Way

The day a man marries he’s doing so with a full heart and the very best intentions. You’d be hard pressed to find a man who recently wed who will say that he doesn’t believe his marriage will last. People just don’t take the walk down the aisle or make the emotional commitment if they don’t believe their union is going to fulfill them for a lifetime. read more

How to Fall In Love Again with Your Spouse

By America’s #1 Love and Marriage Experts.
Let’s face it – we love our spouse more than life itself. And frankly, we cannot imagine life without them! But the truth is, from time to time, our love for each other needs renewal. While love can be forever, it often needs nurturance, recommitment, and an occasional makeover. Love has its season for renewal.
Every so often, our love affair needs rekindling. Every once in awhile, we need to strike another match and rekindle the fire in our relationship. And the simple truth is, sometimes we need to fall in love all over again!
When your marriage starts to stagnate, when it starts to suffer from the doldrums, and when it needs resuscitation, rest assured, there are steps you can take to bring your marriage back.
All marriages go through bumps in the road. Marriage is not always fair, just, and beautiful. Over the past 26+ years, we have interviewed successfully married couples on five continents of the world that have been married for 30-77 years. Frankly, not one of these couples reported that their marriage was consistently at the nirvana level! Every successfully married couple we have studied has reported to us that their marriages had been challenged from time to time. Sometimes, they wanted to throw in the towel with their marriage. But in the end, their desire to save their relationship was more important their desire to call it quits. There are important lessons to learn from these couples.
Learning how to overcome the challenges and make it work is a true testament to why love and marriage can last a lifetime. Sometimes, your marriage and relationship needs nothing more than a check-up. Is it time for your relationship check-up?
All too often, the daily demands of life take us away from time together. But in the end, the relationship between the two of you trumps everything else. Your love for each other and your relationship, one to the other, is truly the fuel that keeps you going.
So here is the question of the day – how do you keep your love alive? How do you fall in love all over again?
Our research on successful marriage suggests five actions you can take to fall in love again – to incur the passion you once knew in your marriage. Here they are in nutshell:
1. Our research has revealed time and time again the importance of the loving touch. The human touch is paramount to the most basic of all human connections. So, the first thing you must do in re-establishing the passion of your relationship is to touch! Touch often. Touch much. Hold hands when you walk. Take turns wrapping around each other in bed at night. Feel the warmth. Feel the love. If you pass your spouse 100 times a day, touch them 100 times. By doing so, you are acknowledging their presence and you are telling them how much you love them. You cannot express love without the human touch. Get started today!
2. Engage in a process that allows you to re-establish the communication links between the two of you. We suggest that you start with these three questions: 1. Why did we fall in love? 2. Why did we get married? 3. What are our hopes and dreams for the future? The communicative links between the two of you are highly important and no love, no marriage, and no relationship will ever be jump-started again without the re-establishment of the communicative ties that bind. Getting serious about communication in your relationship is among your highest priorities. Get started today! Check out our Seven-Week Program for Developing Ongoing Sharing in Your Marriage in the appendix of our book, Golden Anniversaries: The Seven Secrets of Successful Marriage.
3. Work hard to have fun with each other! Dine out at your favorite restaurant. Spend a night in a motel. Take a vacation to Disneyland, just the two of you! Cook a romantic dinner at home. Whatever you do, do something that ignites the passion and the fun! Do something that takes your relationship beyond boring. Do something together that makes your lives exciting and fun-filled. Marriages can fall into the doldrums but it doesn’t have to be that way. Rediscover what makes you excited, what gives you a sense of adventure, and what makes your adrenalin flow! Successful marriages are not boring! Plan a passion starter today!
4. Upend expectancies! Do not always do that which is predictable. Here’s an example. One of the lovely couples we interviewed a few years ago told this wonderful story. Their life together was getting too predictable and too boring. At 85 years of age, they were both entirely too focused on settling in. They would sit in front of the TV, rarely talking, and content with their station in life. Shoot, they were both 85 years old they thought! But as they shared with us, it didn’t have to be that way. When Clarence came home from a golf outing one glorious Sunday afternoon, he was met by his beautiful wife, Grace, at the front door in her altogether. Grace thought, What the heck, if I can’t get him interested in anything but golf and TV, I will just meet him at the door naked. Maybe he will get interested in me! As it turns out, Clarence got the message. Of course, what happened after this homecoming episode they didn’t share with us! The most important lesson is this – Clarence and Grace decided that upending expectancies was a good thing from time to time! Try it. You be surprised at what can happen!
5. Tell your spouse how much you love them and why! Never, we repeat, never, fall into the trap that says, I don’t have to tell him/her I love them, he/she knows I do. Nothing could be further from the truth! People who love people are the luckiest people in the world, of that you can be sure. And to tell the one you love, I Love You and to do it often, makes them even luckier! Never take the one you love for granted. Big mistake! To love people is wonderful. To tell them you love them is amongst the greatest gifts you could ever give. Start today.
You see, the rekindling of love is not so complicated. Don’t make it so. Just take these five simple actions and you will re-ignite your love affair with your mate.
In love and marriage, the
Simple Things Matter. Love Well!
Enjoy receiving our new companion hardback book Simple Things Matter in Love and Marriage at no cost with the purchase of the multiple award winning book Golden Anniversaries: The Seven Secrets of Successful Marriage through special publishers’ closeout of hardback versions.
By Dr. Charles D. Schmitz and Dr. Elizabeth A. Schmitz
Authors of Golden Anniversaries: The Seven Secrets of Successful Marriage
Winner of the INDIE Book Awards GOLD Medal for Best Relationship Book
Winner of the 2009 Mom’s Choice Awards GOLD Medal for Most Outstanding Relationships and Marriage Book
2009 Nautilus Book Awards Winner for Relationships
Look for Building A Love That Lasts due out in January 2010 (Jossey-Bass/Wiley)

Love the Second Time Around – Falling Back in Love

By America’s #1 Love and Marriage Experts.
People in love sometimes fall out of love. But sometimes, they fall back into love all over again. While we have seen many instances of this in our interviews over the years, a great example of what we are talking about is the love affair between Tom and Anna.
Tom and Anna were married 4 years and then they got divorced. Hard to tell why, but in the end, they decided they didn’t love each other anymore. For two years after their divorce they didn’t talk to each other. No contact. Nothing. Nada!
Then one day when Tom went to pick up his son (Anna and he shared joint custody), he said, Daddy, Mommy is awfully sick. Mommy was, of course, Tom’s wife of 4 years – the woman he had divorced – it was Anna.
Tom went in the house to check on Anna. She was, indeed, very ill. He got her to a hospital, she was nursed her back to health, and she got well. Tom was thrilled to see Anna healthy again. And a funny thing happened along the way – Tom and Anna fell in love again. Tom and Anna fell in love all over again.
Over time, their relationship regained the flame it had in the beginning, and today they are celebrating their 25th anniversary of their SECOND marriage to each other.
We have found that the case of Tom and Anna is not all that unusual. Sometimes, the flames of love ebb and flow. Sometimes people in love fall out of love, only to fall back into love all over again. Love is funny that way. Love is not always predictable.
Today, Tom and Anna are madly in love! They share many things in common. They love to be together in the great outdoors. They love their beloved St. Louis Cardinals. In fact, each year, Tom makes an elaborate hat to demonstrate his loyalty to the Cardinals. This past year, his hat had replica 2006 World Series Championship trophies all over it. His hat has made him quite a celebrity in St. Louis, home of the Cardinals.
There is hardly a person of importance in St. Louis that Tom, adorned with his Cardinals hat, has not had taken his picture taken with – the mayor of St. Louis, the owner of the Cardinals, the fans, and the guy or gal on the street. Tom has become something of a legend in his own hometown. His hats are recognizable everywhere.
As to Anna – she loves Tom to pieces and shares his love for the Cardinals. Just today, as we enjoyed ourselves at the Cardinals Winter Roundup – an annual event in St. Louis that attracts thousands for the Cardinals charitable wing, Cardinals Care – there was Anna, adorned in her Cardinals collection, having fun with Tom. Everybody was photographing Tom and Anna. They are the stuff of legends. They are the stuff of love.
As we drove home today, we talked a lot about Tom and Anna. We talked about their love affair. We talked about their enduring relationship with each other for 29 years through TWO marriages to each other, and their one divorce from each other, and how, in the end, they have found everlasting love for each other.
Sometimes, love works in strange ways. In the case of Tom and Anna, it worked out well. Falling in love all over again to the same person sometimes works. Just ask Tom and Anna.
For hundreds of tips to enhance your relationship get the Doctor’s best-selling and multiple-award winning book Building a Love that Lasts: The Seven Surprising Secrets of Successful Marriage (Jossey-Bass/Wiley) Available wherever books are sold.
Winner of the INDIE Book Awards GOLD Medal for Best Relationship Book
Winner of the Mom’s Choice Awards GOLD Medal for Most Outstanding Relationships and Marriage Book
Nautilus Book Awards Winner for Relationships

Romance for Marriage Minded People: Fantasy or Reality?

I was interviewed this week for a tele-summit on Passion and Romance. The first question was an interesting one and I wanted to share my answer with you. I was asked, What do you think of Romance? Is it embedded in reality or is it more or a fairy tale concept that no one can ever attain?
Below are some of my thoughts about romance, what it means to be romantic, and what makes someone romantic or not, especially as a marriage minded person.

* Romance is a state of mind – a way of being, the way you look at life and its action- what you do for your partner. For instance, texting your partner, good morning to touch base daily or wanting to plan a weekend getaway is considered thinking romantically.

* Romance is giving special attention to someone you care deeply for. What does that special attention look like? Spending one on one time together where you are delighted to be in each other presence no matter the other demands on one’s life. It’s paying attention to the little things, her favorite coffee, his favorite Italian dish and bringing dinner to her when she has to work late. Looking lovingly at your partner.

* Romantic gestures like giving your sweetheart flowers, writing poetry or love notes and buying gifts makes someone feel special and that she(or he) matters. The effort and time spent planning the gesture is important, as well.

* Romance is as real as you want to make it. There are some people who strive to live a romantic life and they design their life to make it happen. They just need a responsive partner that cares about romance as much as they do.

* There are different degrees of romance. There are the everyday little things you do such as giving her a foot massage or bringing her a box of her favorite chocolates. Then there are the grand gestures that marriage minded people make such as an airplane flying by with a sign saying Will you marry me? at the right planned time and place.

* Personally, I also think that in order to support a romance in your relationship, it requires TIME. This is what many couples are missing with one another- quality time to be romantic and think romantically. Romance takes time and space. Time to ponder and dream, and then create romance opportunities. We have many demands on our time – with more disruptions and the fast pace of life. Both people need to put time and attention into being romantic – that is when the magic happens!

* For marriage minded people there is a no one size fits all to being romantic. Different people respond to different gestures. Take the time to explore what your partner consider romantic and what they enjoy.

So how do you see romance in your life? How do you want your partner to be romantic with you? How can you add some romantic spice to your life? It’s up to you to create the opportunity for passion to occur.
I hope you will join me for my Google Hangout interview on Wednesday, April 1 to learn more about The 3 Keys to Finding Lasting Connection when Dating for Love and Marriage. Sign up to get access at http://motivatedtomarry.com/passionsummit
There is so much more for me to share with you!

What are the Warning Signs of a Failing Marriage?

By America’s #1 Love and Marriage Experts.
We have studied marriage around the globe for three decades. And while our focus has principally been on successful marriage, we have interviewed a lot of folks whose marriage was in trouble – whose marriage was falling apart.
There is nothing more painful than watching your marriage disintegrate before your eyes. It hurts. In fact, it may be amongst the most painful experiences you will have in your lifetime.
During our many radio and television interviews over the years we are often asked this simple question – How will I know my Marriage is in Trouble?’ Our research has identified the answer to this very important and often asked question.
So, friends, here are the Seven Telltale Signs of a Failing Marriage that we have identified over the years.
1. You fight and argue much more often than before and do so unfairly.
Fact is, you have nothing nice to say to or about each other anymore. You love to nitpick at each other. Your teasing isn’t fun – it is now painful and hurtful. You use each other as a personal pincushion!
Sadly, your arguments are repeatedly about the same subjects. You are increasingly critical of each other, you fight constantly, and you no longer fight fair.
As we have said many times before – it is okay to argue – all successfully married couples do – but the truth is this, successfully married couples have learned how to fight fair. Their arguments do not become personal and attack oriented.
2. One or both of you show increasing disrespect for each other.
As we have described in our recent book, Building a Love that Lasts: The Seven Surprising Secrets of Successful Marriage (Jossey-Bass/Wiley), mutual respect is at the heart of the best marriages. In failing marriages, there are growing signs of disrespect. Resentment and contempt have replaced patience and love. You go out of your way to avoid being together.
And sadly, when you are away from your spouse you are happier than when you are with them. Having fun with your mate seems to be a thing of the past.
When mutual respect and understanding fail, your marriage is well on the way to its end. Make no mistake about that.
3. You and your spouse are no longer capable of communicating with each other in meaningful and productive ways.
Communication between a husband and a wife is of paramount importance to the health of a successful marital relationship. Failing marriages communicate less and less. There are fewer and fewer meaningful exchanges between the two people who occupy the marriage bond.
Worse yet, they don’t talk with each other about their mutual problems anymore. Frankly, failing marriages lose the ability and the willingness to resolve their marital problems. They just don’t care anymore.
When communication between a husband and wife shuts down, there is little hope for the marriage. Always remember this – no problem was ever resolved, no divide ever bridged, and no disagreement ever broached when people refused to communicate. When communication falters, a marriage is in trouble.
4. Sexual intimacy in your marriage is low and increasingly non-existent.
In a failing marriage, sexual intimacy is low. Sexual intimacy becomes more and more infrequent. Marriage partners turn into roommates – they live together in the same home, but do not share the intimacies of a marriage. Unfortunately, intimacy becomes a thing of the past.
It is clear from our three decades of research that sexual intimacy is over-rated when it comes to the best marriages. There are many other elements that are equally or more important to a successful marriage than sex. But make no mistake about it; INTIMACY is more than good sex. Intimacy is holding hands on a walk, snuggling in the morning, hugging a lot, touching each other, and in general, feeling emotion for each other.
When intimacy starts to fade so does the marriage. When you and/or your spouse lose feelings of intimacy, your marriage is in trouble.
5. Financial disagreements dominate your discussions and conversations.
It is clear, when you argue increasingly and incessantly about financial issues, your marriage is in trouble. We have written extensively about this subject over the past two years, and if the truth were known, most arguments in a marriage center on financial issues.
Worse yet, you discover your spouse is lying about money and other financial related issues. They lie about the bills, the balances, the payoffs, and the commitments. A very bad sign, indeed.
It is clear; we live in trying times when it comes to economic uncertainty. Unemployment is historically high, the Stock Market has wild swings, we worry about our retirement income and our savings, and our home values are in the tank. There is a lot of economic uncertainty.
But here is the truth – the best marriages survive and thrive during trying economic times. The best marriages find a way to deal with the economic uncertainties. Failing marriages have not learned to cope with economic uncertainty because they have not learned how to communicate with each other. If all you talk about is your financial plight, you marriage is in trouble.
6. You do not trust your spouse anymore.
Trust is the centerpiece of a great marriage! In fact, there is nothing more central to a successful marriage than the ability to trust. If you can’t trust your spouse, whom can you trust?
When you or your spouse start to have thoughts of being unfaithful and think more and more about divorce, your marriage is in trouble. When you worry about infidelity in your marriage, your marriage is in trouble.
Let’s face it, when the trust level between you and your spouse nears zero, there is little hope for your marriage. You cannot imagine how important it is to trust your spouse. When you don’t trust them anymore, there is little hope for your marriage.
7. Family members increasingly choose up sides instead of striving for common ground and common understandings.
Your immediate family (your children, each other, your extended family) finds it more and more difficult to find common ground in debates, discussions, and conversations. Family members start to choose up sides. Winning and losing becomes the order of the day. Compromise is out the window.
Moreover, you and your spouse try to isolate each other from family and friends. Divide and conquer becomes the order of the day.
It is sad but true – those marriages that become dysfunctional display symptoms of division and lack of common understandings among family members. Family unity begins to disintegrate. Feuding families are not good for a healthy marriage.
It is important to know the telltale signs of a failing marriage. Pay close attention. When you witness the signs, take action. Save your relationship if you can. Having a healthy and happy marriage is one of the great success stories of life. It is not too late to save your marriage.
In love and marriage the simple things matter. Love well!
By Dr. Charles D. Schmitz and Dr. Elizabeth A. Schmitz
**For hundreds of tips to enhance your relationship get the Doctor’s best-selling and multiple-award winning book Building a Love that Lasts: The Seven Surprising Secrets of Successful Marriage (Jossey-Bass/Wiley 2010) Available wherever books are sold.
Winner of the INDIE Book Awards GOLD Medal for Best Relationship Book
Winner of the Mom’s Choice Awards GOLD Medal for Most Outstanding Relationships and Marriage Book
Nautilus Book Awards Winner for Relationships