The 3 Biggest Mistakes Couples Make to Kill the Passion

Passion is energizing and inspiring, a great big wonderful YES! that fills life with a sense of greatness and purpose. When you have passion, life is fun and juicy.


In relationship, passion is a deeply affirmative force. When there’s passion–for one another, for spending time together, for making love–you feel loved, accepted,cherished and desired. You feel on top of the world and you love it!

Every relationship has a honeymoon phase that’s filled with passion. You’re absolutely crazy about each other. You can’t get enough of one another. You gaze into each others eyes as you plan romantic dates and getaways. The relationship is fun, exciting, full of magic and . . . hot!

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The months and years go by, though, and the delight and deliciousness fades into the background of everyday life.


The thrill is gone.
There’s just no spark anymore.
We’re stuck in a rut.


If you and your partner are making any of these 3 critical mistakes, passion doesn’t stand a chance.


Evaluation Quiz:

  • Has life become so busy and demanding that there is no time or energy for lovemaking?
  • Are the male/female differences that once drew you together now driving you crazy?
  • Do you judge your partner (and/or yourself) too often?

    If you answered even one yes, read on.

If you ever need any help with fixing your marriage, I would suggest you take a look at this video (opens in a new tab):

The ultimate couples guide to a perfect marriage by Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

MISTAKE #1: Don’t Have Time/Energy for Love

A strong, fulfilling love relationship is one life’s most precious gifts. It reduces stress, keeps you healthy, lifts your spirits, energizes and boosts confidence. It creates a happy, harmonious atmosphere at home for your children as well.

We all want that, right? But often in the race to keep up with daily life, intimacy with our mate falls to the bottom of our to-do list. Something to enjoy when we can squeeze in the time, and rally the energy.


Yawn. . . I’m too tired for sex. And it’s not just me. My partner is as wiped out as I am much of the time.

Eek! no time. My husband and I are like two ships passing in the night — every night. We want to get together, but we can’t figure out how.

Sound familiar?

A relationship is like a beautiful garden. It needs love and attention to continue to grow and flourish. Without regular, nurturing attention, weeds (aka, resentments) creep in, and love becomes a sad memory of what it once was.

TIP #1: Invest in Your Relationship

You invest in your retirement portfolio. You invest in your home. Why wouldn’t you invest in your most valuable asset—your love life? It’s easy. Schedule regular love-investment activities.

Life is so busy we need to schedule important events in our day planners to make sure we remember to show up. Lovemaking isn’t any different. Keep a standing date for intimacy. Write it down. Maybe every Friday night, or Saturday morning while the kids are at soccer practice. And keep going on fun dates, too. If they’re gone from your life, the chemistry and excitement you knew in the early days will disappear, too.

Great lovemaking is about feeling connected to your partner, outside the bedroom as well as in. Find those moments when you can be lovingly present together, no matter how briefly. Consider creating magic moments—in the morning when you first wake up, before you head out for the day, when you arrive home, before going to bed. Make it a ritual you both look forward to. Look into each others eyes as you say I love you. Leave a surprise note in your partner’s briefcase or handbag. Send a flirtatious email, or a naughty text message. Greet your partner with a hug that lasts long enough to slow down and really feel each others presence. Whatever feels right—just don’t let a day go by without recognizing the gift that you are in each others life.

MISTAKE #2: Not Appreciating the Differences Between the Sexes

The sexual polarity between you and your mate is the attractive force that originally brought you together. And that same polarity later drives couples crazy, and drives them apart. He wants sex; she wants to cuddle. She wants pillow talk; he wants some ZZZs.

Have you seen the cartoon that shows a husband and wife each holding up a protest sign? His sign reads: No Sex, No Love. Hers: No Love, No Sex.

For women, sexual desire does not begin with a desire for sex. Rather, it evolves out of an experience of emotional closeness and intimacy. For men, typically, the reverse is true. Desire begins with a craving for sex and then evolves into greater depth of emotional intimacy. These two different sexual tracks are responsible for much of the relationship tension, sexual frustration, and lack of fulfilment that couples experience.

TIP #2: Learn to Understand and Appreciate Masculine and Feminine Differences

The differences between the sexes remain a source of conflict only when those differences are misunderstood or unappreciated.

Ultimately, men and women want the same things—to feel loved, safe, desired, fulfilled, and totally turned on! What men and women need to feel that way can be very different.One of the biggest mistakes in bed is giving to your partner what you might want yourself. Often, that is the opposite of what will work.

When a man knows that touching his woman’s heart is the key to igniting her passion,and sees the positive results of his actions, he will be much more likely to find the pleasure in surprising her with flowers, or asking how her day went–and really listening. Conversely, when a woman realizes that the path to her man’s heart is through his loins, she is more likely to delight in treating him to sexy play that she initiates.

Understanding and appreciating how sex is different for men and women goes a long way towards building relationship harmony and inspiring passionate desire!

But remember, each man and each woman is an individual. There is no normal and no usual. You have to discover the specific way to touch your partner’s heart.

MISTAKE #3: Judging and Criticizing

It’s human nature to evaluate, compare, contrast, judge and criticize. We all do it all the time.

Why can’t you remember to leave the toilet seat down?
You used to get dressed up for me.
Can’t you just hold me without always wanting sex?

Judgment is often so automatic that we’re often not even aware of it. It can show up as criticism, conflict, resentment, anger, bitterness, self-doubt, comparison, shame, guilt,depression and dissatisfaction. And these feelings can become chronic.

Judgment is a negation. It is the opposite of love, which is acceptance. In an intimate relationship, the NO of judgment undermines our ability to tap into the YES of love and passion. They literally cancel each other out.
What can we do?

TIP #3: Acknowledge and Appreciate

While nothing kills passion faster than judgment and criticism, nothing builds passion faster than acknowledgment and appreciation.

I love it when you rub my shoulders.
Your laughter is one of my favorite sounds in the world.
It was really great that you cooked dinner tonight. Thank you.

Become mindful of any tendencies to judge and criticize, and refocus your attention to something you appreciate about your partner. Find opportunities to offer heartfelt compliments. Look for even simple opportunities to express appreciation.

Thanks for holding the door for me.

Scientists at the Relationship Research Institute in Seattle, Washington discovered a mathematical model that predicts with 94% accuracy which marriages will end in divorce. They found that happy couples have at least a 5:1 ratio between positive interactions and negative interactions. For every one criticism or negative comment, there were at least five compliments. That’s the magic ratio. With 5 to 1 odds, passion wins.

THE 3 KEYS:

1) Invest in your relationship by going on dates and expressing love in small but conscious ways each and every day.
2) Learn what your partner needs to feel fulfilled, especially the things that you wouldn’t normally do instinctively. Give that to each other and watch your passion rise.
3) Keep in mind the 5:1 ratio–at least 5 positive interactions to every negative one.