*Why Men Are Afraid of Commitment (And How To Help)
Freedom means different things for different men. For some, the main joy of relationships is challenge. They happily pursue a woman as long as they don’t have her, but once they do, they start feeling trapped. These men feel as if excitement and new possibilities are now cut off.
Once commitment is in the picture these men feel as though they are trapped and imprisoned. They often say that once a woman has him, he’ll be putty in her hands. In the end he feels he will lose his sense of masculinity. For them it’s all a power game. The one who’s strong is the one who needs less. The power is in not needing.
These men need to be in control to feel their power. It’s no wonder that men like these cannot stay with one woman long. Sooner or later feelings of dependency start to grow. At this point, these men take to the hills. No matter how strong they think they are, their loneliness and frustration only intensify each time they run.
Other men start to feel used when time comes for commitment. Many women feel as though they need a man to make a commitment in order to feel secure. But when a man senses this, it can make him feel like an object, as if he’s being used for the woman’s security.
No man wants to feel as if he’s being used. As soon as he does, he’s going to leave. Feeling loved is different from feeling used. When a woman can give a man freedom, when she has a full, independent life of her own, it can take his fear of being used away.
Deep within all men want to feel loved in relationships. They want to stay and experience being valued and valuing another as well. Once their fears and patterns of running away are understood, they can be handled, and everyone can win. To begin, we must see where these patterns come from, and what they are protecting the man from.
Sometimes the pattern develops at an early age. At one point in a young man’s development the father becomes his opponent, his rival for the mother’s love. When the boy has a healthy maturation, he is able to relinquish his mother and overcome his rivalry with his father. At this point, his father becomes his friend, he identifies with him and is later able to go forward and attain a love of his own.
Some men do not overcome the rivalry with the father. They never grow to feel they can have a woman of their own. And, they act out this pattern over and over in all kinds of relationships. They may give themselves an unconscious message that love is dangerous, perhaps forbidden. Or, they tell themselves the love object, (mother), ultimately belongs to another, (to father). No matter how much I want her, they think, I can never have the woman of my dreams for myself. Or, if I do have her, I am taking her away from someone else.
These men often find that they are unable to be successful competing with other men; they are convinced other men will easily win the woman they desire. For them, some other man has more to offer, just as they believed their father did. This is a clear replay of childhood, when they felt they could never measure up to dad.Unless this dynamic is worked through a man’s ongoing relationship with women will, sooner or later, be troubled.
Sometimes it is the relationship with the mother, not father, that causes a man to fear and run from love. In other cases, some mothers hold onto their sons emotionally and refuse to let go. Other mothers withhold the love their sons need. Some are rejecting or overpowering with her son. When this happens the woman becomes the opponent for the man.
Men who suffer from this situation run from women continually, seeing love as a trap, a place where they will never get their needs met. Many men are much more fragile than they seem. Harsh words from a woman they are dating can cut very deep.
A woman in relationship with a man like this would do well to encourage him to express his feelings. She should listen quietly and be careful about criticizing him. When she does express her needs and feeling, it is important to do it carefully, in a non-critical manner, making sure he is also aware of how much she values him.
Ultimately, for a man to be healthy romantically, he must work out unfinished business. Once he does he will develop a basic confidence in himself and be able to move forward and find a loving, suitable woman of his own. Commitment is an organic process that takes time. It usually happens in small steps and is the natural progression of the heart.
Touchstones To Remember
(How To Deal With Men Who Are Afraid Of Commitment)
– Listen carefully to what he tells you. Don’t criticize. Understand.
– Don’t think your love will change him or make him want you more. He wants you as much as he can right now.
– The less pressure, guilt and obligation in this relationship, the better. The busier you are, the more self fulfilled, the better the chances for this relationship to continue.
– Look at your pictures and expectations in relationships. Understand why you feel trapped in relationships and always need a way out. What or who is it you are really running from?
– Try to form a relationship where you can give yourself the emotional freedom to be who you are. Many men feel they constantly have to perform for the woman and therefore do not want to stay for too long. Allow yourself to be true to yourself in the relationship. Say no when you want to. Then you can say yes.
– Find women who are more accepting. Ask them in advance about what they need to feel good in a relationship. If they are too possessive, go on to someone else.